July 17th, 2008 will now and forever be seared in my mind as the day that I forced "The Beginning of The End" to my marriage. I put in the vacation request yesterday so I can take the 17th and 18th off from my main job so I could file the divorce papers, serve my husband and hopefully file the service papers back to the court within those 2 days.

My stomach was churning as I turned it in to my supervisor and told my department manager about my reasons for taking those days off. My manager has been a wonderful support system for me and I am comfortable talking with him regarding my life - heck, he's been my manager for 9 years out of the 12 I've been with the company, so I'm comfortable with him period - and he's had some wonderful advice, both professionally and non-professionally.

Last night I told my husband...er, stbx, I guess is more appropriate now...that I put in for vacation next Thursday and Friday. He then asked me why and I told him it was so I could file the divorce papers. He didn't say anything and just walked away, though I know that he was hurt, yet again.

When I talked to him this last weekend about filling out some of the paperwork and arranging for parenting classes (by law for divorcing couples with children in our state), he asked me if I was still going to go through with "this" (divorce).

He doesn't want a divorce...I know that...but this is what has to be done and I cannot "cry wolf" any longer. I have to follow through...otherwise my word means nothing...just as it has meant nothing to him when I spoke of divorce over the course of the last 18 months.

I think it just kills him that I am not being angry, bitter or vindictive in all of this - I am actually being as nice to him as possible and discussing the process of this divorce in no-nonsense terms without any hurt coming from my voice - and it is confusing him.

It's confusing to both of us, really, and as I have said in many other entries, I didn't want this divorce, but I feel as if I have no other option at this point.

To him, I am the one creating all the turmoil and problems in our lives, yet he doesn't want me to divorce him...he just wants me to stop doing whatever it is that is upsetting him and let go of all the 11 years of history we have and never judge him again for his past mistakes (that have only stopped within the last few months - as is the pattern and why I can't just let go of wondering when that pattern will show the ugly side again). He believes so many bad things about me and shuts me out of his life instead of talking to me, but doesn't want to be divorced because I am all that he needs to be happy.

To me, if he really wanted to stay married, maybe he'd actually look at some of his own problems and let go of his pride enough to say that after all of these years of trying to deal with things on his own, that he just isn't strong enough to do it on his own and ask for some help. If he really wanted to stay married, he'd work on his own problems while I worked on mine, not just focus on my problems (which I think are more projected problems of his more than really big problems with me, but what do I know?).

So, the fateful day of ending the double standards for both of us is upon me very shortly and I am scared, sick to my stomach, heart broken, and yet, still lovingly caring for him and trying to find the good that will come from the freedom we both will have from this. 

I am beginning the ending of this chapter in our lives out of love, not out of spite or hate, and I can only hope I can be strong enough to get through the next 8 days without falling back into believing that somehow if I just tried harder...again...that love can conquer all.