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  Posted to group - Should I Stay or Should I Go    <<Previous    Next>>

I don't know what to do..

I have been married for almost 5 years now, and I couldn't tell you if you asked why I got married. I wasn't even 18 yet and we had only been dating for a few months. There were signs in the begining that he was controlling, but things really got bad after we said I do. That was the last day I wore make-up, the last day I went anywhere without him, the last day I spoke to any of my old friends. Since then I have just went along with everything and pretended it was okay. I'm not going to pretend I'm not in fault also, I let him think that this was okay.. I went along with it and grinned saying, "yes I'm happy," even though I knew I wasn't. Now 5 years later we have a 3 year old little boy and I am closer than ever to divorcing him.. I don't want our little boy to think that treating your wife this way is okay.. Am I just being selfish? Should I feel bad for wanting to be treated as an adult? Should I feel bad for wanting friends?

by MissConfused   8 Posts 
Posted on 6/30/2008 12:19 PM
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Answers for "I don't know what to do.."  (5) (You must be logged in to answer)




Well definitely taking into account your child is a top priority.  Of course we all know childen mimic what they see, and if he's abusive towards you then you are setting up your child for a life of problems.  Also children are much more perspective than they are given credit for.  If you are unhappy and there are problems in the home, I'm sure at some level, even at the age of 3, your child knows things just aren't right with his parents.

Considering your history together, I would go as far as to guess that initially in the relationship and in the marriage a good portion of you liked the situation.  Hindsight is 20/20 and say now I don't like the controlling ways may be true, but initially there could have been a significant portion of you that liked being accounted for, taken care, and controlled.  Being controlled isn't so bad considering that you have very little responsibilities.  And considering the age when you got married, teens are taken care of and controlled.  Figure that it was what you knew, but you also probably wanted to get out of the house and establish yourself as an "adult."  Probably not the best way to do it, but hey, we all make mistakes.  Though, you have aged, and have aged in a very significant portion of your life.  What you wanted or were comfortable with initially can significantly change.  That's okay, it's your life, and it's up to you to make it a happy place.

 

And in closing, wanting friends.  For your husband it probably comes a major shock.  For 5 years, you've been solely with him and he thinks that's the way things are.  Though, people change and interests/desires change.  It is easily possible to stay together and to change together, but both parties have to be in the situation equally.  If he would come to understand that you've missed out a major portion of your development as a young adult and need the perspective/company of others, and this in no way is a slight against him (hell maybe you expand your social network together) I could see that portion of your relationship working.

 

by Newbatdivorce   50 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2008 1:58 PM
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Well this is one time you shouldn't back down.  It's a marriage at stake, it sounds like you're already one foot out the door anyway.  I mean, it's up to you.  If it were me, I'd give it every attempt to make sure later, there were no regrets.  That's why I wouldn't back down or feel guilty.  You've told us how and why now tell him.Veryclueless is right, there's no guilt in having your own life and friends.  It's how we grow.  As a husband I always wanted my wife to expand her friendships, it helped us grow as a couple.  I would never want my wife stagnant and unhappy.

I would recommend you stand up for you, and give him a chance.  If you're strong for yourself and your family and e fails to see, then at least you know.
by Robert-Boyd   3874 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2008 1:33 PM
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I have tried to talk to him about the things I'm unhappy with before, but everytime I do he starts making me feel guilty and I just back off. Normally he'll say things like.. "Is that really more important than your family." or "The baby will hate you one day for breaking our family apart." And he will not go to counseling, he has went once before for some anger issues he has [I went with him] and he walked out when the counseler realized what was going on and started asking me questions about our relationship.
by MissConfused   8 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2008 1:18 PM
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Oh sweety your not selfish for wanting to be treated as an adult  but also as a person. So many of us ( me included) turn a blind eye when it comes to the person we love. and dismiss things we would never allow someone else to treat us in that way. Have you tried counseling ( do you think he'll go) if not I suggest that you go. You are young and you need to decide if this is the way you want to live with this man for the next 50-60 yrs. There is nothing wrong with having freinds, going out with out him and having your own indepence in fact it's healthy to have that and he should know that ..I would try talking with him and telling him how this is upsetting you , but I would also say if nothing changes you'll need to decide either to live this way or not. and you are 100% correct when saying you do not want your son growing up thinking this is how you treat the one you love. Good luck , and keep us posted
by veryclueless   31 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2008 1:05 PM
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Well you say you told your husband in the beginning that you were happy and that everything is ok.  Have you tried telling him that you're NOT happy?  You at least owe him a chance to try and work things through.  These are not things I would do in a relationship, but we all have different conceptions of what makes a "good" relationship. If your husband thought this was right and you allowed him to think so, then you need to explain to him what's going on, and why it isn't who you are.

I would also recommend you start seeing a counselor.  It sounds like you have a lot of feelings and questions built up that you need to work through.  This will help clear your direction.  Also if You are Christian, I would recommend prayer.  Ask God to show you the direction, and his truth in this.  He is always faithful.

Keep us posted on how things are going. We do care.
by Robert-Boyd   3874 Posts
Posted on 6/30/2008 12:55 PM
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