Do you confront the 'other person' in an affair?

I had a confrontation with the OW when I found them in my house. She smiled and left going down the road. Now, I feel like a ass and wish i would have just got in my car and drove away.
Be careful if you go to his work he can get you on harassment. I think walking away would be the best thing. Now for telling his wife I have said if I started to date and found out the man was married I would tell his wife. But think on this do you want to go this route?
For your libido it will be just fine once you heal.

Hmmmm. Hello everyone. I have just joined this group by typing in that exact same question, "should I confront the guy". Briefly, my wife and I met 23 years ago and got married 17 years ago. We had what I thought was a good marriage. 2006 especialy was a wonderful for us and I do not think we have ever been closer. Just before that years Christmas after my wife had gone on a works "do", she became withdrawn. A month later she told me she did not love me like she used to. I discovered my wife had an affair just before last Christmas by finding a screwed up letter in the rubbish.  There has been no intimacy between us now for two years. My wife says her libido is non-existant. Like alot of you I guess, I ended up phoning the samaritans one bleak night and have the sleepless nights. I know the affair is with a work mate. She claims it is over and has been all this year.
I could blame everything on the menopause and that she may be going through a mid-life crisis as she is 39. She recently has been nicer towards me. But ......... I have just found screwed up in the rubbish an empty Christmas card envelope with the words "My angel" on the front and a torn up gift tag. Is it from him? I tackled her and she says I am being paranoid! She says it was not for her and already in a bag she brought home from work.
So, my instinct is to phone and explain just exactly how HIS and my wifes actions have impacted on our family (bearing in mind the affair happened while his wife was pregnant).

i accept I could get lies from him. I still dearly love my wife but to find this envelope then meant i had another completely sleepless night while I agonised over whether the affair was back on. Your comments would be much appreciated even down to saying stop being so soppy! Regards to all ..............

As hard as it is, going through the same thing, but my husband is having an emotional affair, and I would love to confront the other women, until I think about it harder. I know that it is the spouse your married to that made the big wrong. She should have and could have walked away from the other guy but she didn't. Put all the focus on wanting to confront the male onto your wife, and the wrong that she committed. Even better take that energry and focus it on your kids and making sure that your as happy as possible given the situation. You need to stay strong for them, but it is them that need you the most right now..

Good luck

I think you would be standing up for yourself by being a bigger person and leaving it alone. Be the best dad that you can and know that you will have a great girlfriend one day that loves and cares more about you then you thought possible. this guy is only scum so why get your hands dirty with that?

Having been cheated on, I know exactly how you feel. However, no good will come from confrontation. Sure, you may feel temporarily good but what else could come from the experience? The chances of them calling it off are slim, and no matter how calm, collected and reasonable you are, you're going to come across as a crazy jealous husband (especially if the confrontation is in public) and therefore justify their behavior in the eyes of others. And take this advice from someone who went the confrontation route.
My current beau, on the other hand, took the high road. He knew his ex was having an affair with a coworker (who was also a friend of his); rather than act out, he exited the relationship peacefully. When word got out about her affair (they both had public jobs, and he had a wife and kids of his own), my beau's public reaction was that he was happy she found someone who suited her needs better than he ever did. The end result over the past year has been for my boyfriend to become highly regarded and his ex to be ostracized in many circles. His reaction of "I just want what's best for her" has been the best PR he could have ever done for himself. Sure, he has his moments of bitterness with me -- and he hates it when outsiders offer sympathy -- but truly, his reaction makes her look like a world-class jerk day in and day out. From my side of the fence, it's pretty hilarious.

HD, I know EXACTLY what you are experiencing.  I've confronted my wife's lover twice now.  First time was a week after finding out she and he were "friends" that talked alot about their problems.  I know him well, counted him as one of my best friends even.  I called him and told him I always valued his friendship, but that I expected him to respect the fact that we are married and that we are moving on without him in our lives.  He said he respected my feelings and thanked me for the call.  Said something like "thank you for calling, it means more to me than you know" or close to it.

Then two months later I discover the relationship is not over, although they may have stopped the sex.  So I told the wife that if she wants to stay at home and work on our relationship and her feelings for me she's welcome to but will have to put an end to the affair, at least for now.  She said ok and I said "call him and tell him in front of me".  So she calls the guy and tells him I know all about the affair and the sex and the cellphones etc and that it's over.  She gave me the phone and I let him have it in the most gentleman-like way possible.  I told him I'd been a pretty nice guy not to spill the beans for his wife and he agreed.  I told him if he doesn't disappear, those days are over.

I tell you it felt great to do that.  Backbone is a great medicine for the loss of dignity you feel.

Having said (written?) that, don't do anything stupid like causing a scene at his office.  Unless you know him well enough for him to recognize your voice, I think you should just let him go on about his business.  Let your attorney send him a letter if necessary.

Good luck Friend, I'm pulling for you.

@Spanznskitz - I guess what I am feeling is that I need to stand up for myself, for my family and retain some dignity and pride.  The emotion that I am dealing with is that someone came into my relationship and stole something from me.  I want to make sure that he/they (his family) knows that it is unacceptable and that there are boundaires, and if he feels the neds to cross them, then he'll deal with the consequences.  I understand completely what you have said, and agree with you.  I am just conflicted.

The other option is to simply contact the guys wife, make sure she knows what happened, and let her deal with his transgressions.  In the end, I prolly won't do anything, but I am concerned that my libido will take a hit becuase I didn't do anything.

What is dignified about causing a scene?

 

What if he just laughs in your face & makes some dumb comment like "if you could satisfy your wife she wouldn't need me" or something else derogative.

 

Don't confront the guy, it won't make you feel better - and you may not be a violent person, but he could be.

If you need to get your feelings out, write him a letter, then throw it out, or burn it in effigy - find another outlet for your feelings. Therapy even.

Confrontations only have constructive outcomes when the person you are confronting actually might care what you think.

It also could seriously hurt your divorce proceeding if your stbx uses it against you as well.