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first time post

Wow, I never thought I'd be in this boat (I'm sure everyone says that!). Found this site by accident while I was doing some research on family law.

Have been married 15 years with two small children, ages 8 and 5. Most of the time things were good, but the last few years, not so much. He had an affair after our second child was born. He claimed it was over, but I don't think it is. Last week he said he wanted a divorce. I'm actually okay with this, since I think we did all we could to save the marriage (counseling, etc.) and I can honestly say I don't love or trust him anymore. So now I'm in the beginning stages of contacting a lawyer, etc. So far things are weird, but civilized. He wants me to move out, which I'm okay with since I don't care so much about the house, and has promised that we will share custody of the kids. He seems very eager to give me what I want, which leads me to think that he's already picked out my successor.

Not sure where I'm going with this but it's just nice to know I'm not alone. This really sucks.

by duchick 619 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 9:11 PM

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Answers for "first time post" (12) (You must be logged in to answer)

duchick,

You're right, this does suck. Divorce is a nightmare. I'm glad that you did find this site and find that you're not alone. Hang in there, it will, in time get better. As you said to me, just got to get the lid on the pot. It'll happen, just in time. chris

by CHRIS36 185 Posts
Posted on 7/21/2008 5:58 PM

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Hi caligirl - no worries, no offense taken. :-)

We actually only have 2 children.

I do feel fortunate that we are able to deal with this in a semi-civilized manner, but believe me, it wasn't easy to get to this point. And things are still pretty weird. For example, tonight the four of us went out to run some errands and grabbed a bite to eat, for all the world like some happy family. And just for a moment, I remembered why we had gotten married in the first place. But then I remembered all the bad stuff, too. So it's pretty confusing.

by duchick 619 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 9:10 PM

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I didn't mean to belittle your position at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I know it must be hard, especially after 15 years and 3 kids. Do you have family in the area for emotional support?

by caligirl 5 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 8:00 PM

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Yeah Duchick, keeping your sense of humor can be the hard part. If you're like me, you'll look for anything that will make you laugh.

We didn't have kids, so we didn't have the "telling the kids" issue. I can tell you, as a kid who was told, if you're sure it's over, the sooner the better. Also, do it with love, and make sure they know that this has nothing to do with them. This is just a "Change" and it won't necessarily be a bad thing for them, just different. And please, please, don't put them in the middle of this.

I don't know why I'm telling you. You're the mom, and from what you've said here, you seem like a good and responsible one. It'll be fine.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 1:08 PM

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LOL Robert-Boyd!!!
That's the first time I've actually laughed in several days. Trying to keep my sense of humor through this has been a challenge.

We haven't told the kids anything yet, but that conversation will have to take place soon. Already my 8-year old is wondering why mommy and daddy are sleeping in different rooms.

The fun just goes on and on.

by duchick 619 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 1:01 PM

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Kick in the nads? That's like the ideal Christmas gift. Save it. Then you can even let the kids give him one. ;)

You're handling this right. It is better for the kids to see how mommy and daddy can act like adults. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, I think you'll do fine through this.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 12:43 PM

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Thanks to all for your kind words. Still haven't heard back from the lawyer I contacted (found him through my company's EAP). He left me a message on Friday afternoon but that was the last I heard.
About the house...yes, it looks like he will try to buy me out. Eventually the plan is that I will buy a residence of my own...in the meantime, I'm hunting for an apartment nearby that I can afford. Above all, I'm trying to keep this civil for the sake of our children. This man may be the devil, but he's still the father of my kids and so I have to maintain some kind of civil relationship with him, as much as I'd rather just kick him in the nads and be done with it.

More to come, I'm sure.

by duchick 619 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 10:29 AM

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I don't think you should just give him the house. You're time and sweat and tears have gone into it and he's just gonna move her right in. Your kids need a home and a judge will agree , can you buy him out? I left my home because I couldn't afford it on my own and he made a mess of it anyway its a big part of why I left.
Welcome and good luck. you'll find lots of advise and support here everyone is really nice.

by asim 775 Posts
Posted on 6/24/2008 12:10 AM

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I know it must make you feel like you're being rejected for someone "better", but that's not the case. Don't think for a minute that he's "trading up".

I also envy you. My wife has been in denial over the whole situation for nine years, and it makes it extremely difficult to even initiate the discussion. I'd give my eye teeth to be in a position where we both agreed that divorce was the way to go, and she wanted to be fair about everything. You have a much easier time ahead of you than many of your peers here.

But don't think for a minute that you're inferior to the "second Mrs. X". You two are just wrong for each other, and there is someone right for you, if that's what you want. Be patient and careful, and you'll find him.

by 2much42long 3031 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 10:27 PM

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Yeah, it sucks, but at least you're moving forward. Some people get stuck in the "nobody's moving, and nobody's giving anything" phase and they just sit there, miserable.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but this is a really good community. Post what you want, everybody here is friendly and helpful. Welcome.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 10:17 PM

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Well, I'm making it sound cleaner than it is. The last few months have been hellish, but we both finally admitted that this was not working. It hurts, though, that he's already got the second Mrs. X picked out.

by duchick 619 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 9:24 PM

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I have to say, I almost envy your position. I wish that the decision would be made for me. My husband is so difficult that when I have approached the topic in the past, he just gets defensive and mean.

Good luck, though. I know it must be hard with 3 little ones. I have a 10 year old daughter.

by caligirl 5 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 9:19 PM

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