Alcohol is tearing up this marriage, and I'm running out of options

I recently retired in January. For several years now, my wife, who is self-employed, has taken to afternoon drinking, first just a glass of wine, then 2, then more. The other day, I detected it on her breath barely after noon. I now realize we are in trouble.

I'm guilty of enabling by ignoring her drinking problem, although painfully aware of it and the damage it will do to her and to us. As is often the case, she truly is in denial - it's an amazing thing to see this stuff take a person over. I dread every afternoon, never knowing how she will be - belligerent, tipsy, occasionally just nice. Her appearance is changing, her face is beginning to show the affects of drinking, and she has become masterful at deception, hiding her stashes, the whole thing. We've been together for over 30 years, and still love each other, but this stuff is driving a wall between us. We argue frequently. She won't seek help, and I haven't gotten to the point of calling her friends to try an intervention, a risky last resort. So, parting ways is becoming an option, but not one I want to do unless I have no alternative left. I'm 60 and don't really want to have to start life over now.

Anyone else here had/have this dilemma, and have some advice? It'd sure help. Thanks.

Tim

by OldCorps 1 Post
Posted on 6/23/2008 4:15 AM

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Answers for "Alcohol is tearing up this marriage, and I'm running out of options" (3) (You must be logged in to answer)

Sounds like other people have way more to offer than me. My advice--whatever you do, get your name off her car. If she gets lit and whacks somebody in a jointly-titled vehicle, in a lot of states that opens jointly-titled assets to judgment creditors. Separate your finances and keep an eye on the money; if she crashes and burns, it would be nice if she had something stable to come back to once she rises from the fire.

by UNCJD 21 Posts
Posted on 6/25/2008 11:02 AM

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I went through the same issues - my future ex-wife went from a sexy successful executive to a trailer trash drunk. After a couple of years of carrying her out of restaurants, she went on a bender that got progressively worse. Like most alcoholics, she had to hit bottom before she got any help - I moved, filed for divorce, her friends and parent called her out, she crashed her car while drinking with a client. She went through rehab and has been clean for six years.

At the end of the day, the drinking is symptomatic of depression or other issues. If the underlying issues aren't resolved, you'll relive them later. Maybe she'll see a therapist - if her friends suggest it - without starting in on the drinking. SHE has to want to make a life change - threats, interventions, divorces don't stop a dedicated alcoholic.

You need to get to a place where you realize that your well being is not dependant on her problem. I recommend that YOU go to some AA meetings - either the family meetings or the regular AA meetings. Alcoholics and addicts in recovery give it straight up - it gives you perspective. After being married for 30 years (or 30 days) you're probably not going to change your wife's behavior - only she can do that - but you can gain some peace and serenity in the decisions you make.

by sidvicious 1 Post
Posted on 6/24/2008 1:27 AM

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you sound like a great husband, trying to help her and very concerned. i would not even think about divorce at this point. many people suffer with addiction and there are solutions. you need to try everything before thinking divorce.

by paula1 15852 Posts
Posted on 6/23/2008 8:24 AM

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