So this is my first post.  My family thinks I need to talk about things (go to counseling), but the wounds are really fresh and I really don't want to waste more money on something else right now.

My husband and I have had an up and down relationship since day one.  He was 29 and and I was 19 when he actively pursued me while I was in college.  I had plenty of other offers from guys my own age to date, but he was very aggressive and made me feel like the world revolved around me.  We have been together for 12 years almost, married for 7, with a 2 and 4 year old.

About 4 months ago he started saying I was keeping him up at night and he couldn't sleep, so he started sleeping on the couch downstairs.  Shortly after this started, I caught him sneaking out in the middle of the night and did not confront him until he had done it multiple times.  Each time he was gone for at least an hour and a half.  He said he was going to get food because he was hungry.  Of course I did not buy this at all.

I started asking him who she was, how long it had been going on, and he denied it and stated how offended he was that I would even suggest such a thing.  I finally had enough adn was so emotionally drained I asked him to leave, and surprise surprise he did.  Less than a week after moving out I let him have the kids for a day and my 4 year old son came home stating he was going to have 2 mommies now.  I confronted him about this and he called my son a liar.

A few more weeks went by and he finally admitted that he was cheating on me, he had been for about 3 months prior to leaving home, and he had been (and before leaving) taking my children around his mistress for months.  I asked where he met her, he said at the gym he teaches at, and that he had known her for 2 years but only recently started a relationship with her.  He told me that their personalities matched better than ours and he had needs that she satisfied.  He also said he told her that our marriage was over 3 years before, we were only staying together for the kids, and that he chose to leave the house.  So anyone that can do math my youngest child is 2, we have been intimate even recent to his infidelity, and I asked him to leave.  I want to totally blame him, but she is at fault as well because she knew he was married with young children.  He told me she is older than me (I don't believe it, he likes younger women), has a son, and has never been married.  My son told me that her son is his age, 4.  He stated she was perfectly fine with sleeping with him and had no guilt that he was married.  So that makes both of them the big W word in my book (Wh***s).  How can a woman who is supposed to be a role model to her child be such a bad example.  So we have a future cheater in the making because she has no morals, neither will her son.

Here is where my confusion comes in - I was totally okay with him leaving especially after I found out he was actively cheating.  He has been out of the house almost 6 weeks now, and now I am completely torn, want him to come home, and want to go to marriage counseling.

For all of you groaning right now............go ahead.

I was so angry when he admitted he had a girlfriend, and that it was more than just a benefits kind of thing, he was actually seriously considering a relationship with her.  Now I am thinking I could forgive him, go to counseling, and try and start healing.

I broached this subject with him and he stated he does not want to come home, he has not had feelings for me in a very long time, and he is not interested in reconciling.

Even after him telling me this, it is just making me want to try even harder to reconcile and have him come home.

Am I totally nuts?  I don't know if I am coming or going anymore, and honestly really don't know what to do.  There is this little voice on one shoulder saying move on and find someone who will love you and never cheat and hurt you.  Then there is this other little voice on the other shoulder saying, marriage is for better or worse and you deserve it for your family to fix this because you love him still.

Advice?  Just moving on is easier said than done.