Is it at all possible?

Does anyone know, if it is possible for my husband to forgive me a second time? I had an affair and was caught, we worked things out (apparently not), I swore that I would never do this again. Well, I did it again and was caught, he is crushed and his heart is like it was tied up with barbed wire...the pain for him is unbearable. I love him so much, I can't believe I have done this again, I want to work it out again, to try to make things work but I'm thinking that it's just impossible because the trust has been thrown out the window (as well as it should), I have no idea how I'm capable if this monsterous act of violation. He called it a rape. It's hard to keep it together even writing this...We had problems no doubt, I felt less than perfect when I was around him, like I couldn't do anything right (was this all just in my head because of my low self confidence?), he can be jugemental and he doesn't show his emotions much, so it seems like he's always angry or frustrated about something. It makes me all unsettled and nervous, almost when he is out of town I can be myself and relaxed. Anyway, these are things I failed to really discuss with him, I have made comments in regards to it, but never said that how you make me feel, makes me want to live without you...so insead I seek out that attention from others...a cowardly act. I'm going to therapy, and she wants me to see a psychiatrist to make sure there is no chemical imbalances on my part (Manic?), I don't know but I need to change my behavior because I need to be a good role model for my 8 year old daughter, and if my marriage should not survive, I need to think to future "long term" relationships, so I don't continue the same behavior. I hate who I am.

by dirtbety 7 Posts
Posted on 6/17/2008 4:14 PM

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Tags: affair , trust

Answers for "Is it at all possible?" (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

I really appreciate all your comments, after the first affair I promised my husband I wouldn't ever do this again to him, to cause him the pain. The other day I was talking to my therapist and asked the question of why I would do this to him again and how could I prevent it from happening again, she said that I need to make a promise to myself, and when she said that I knew exactly what she ment that I need to promise myself that I wouldn't do this to me...to cause me, all this pain, and this is how I know I wouldn't do this again. I'm still very lost, I don't know what the future holds for me or my husband, all I want to do right now is to work on our marriage and make changes.

by dirtbety 7 Posts
Posted on 6/29/2008 9:54 AM

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I'm not going to judge you. But one of the things I would do if I were you, is stop,and look at my life. You can't go back and change it. You can prevent it from happening again.You can. You have to set your mind to it. Yes you hurt your husband and you broke a trust. That is very hard to over come. My advice to you is,to forgive yourself, and don't do it again, and if he can start trusting you again, work on the marriage. If he cant, then except it. You did a very hurtful thing. It takes trust on both sides to make a marriage work. If you can't be faithful to him, let him go, so he can move forward and be happy in life. Get the medical help you need and move forward and be a good mother.

by hulagirl 159 Posts
Posted on 6/21/2008 4:47 PM

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She has not been with any women but that is something that she has been open to. During our last seperation she very nearly did cross that divide with a friend of hers that had sent some signals that made her think it was an option. I don't think it went that far although I have seen them kiss one another more than once. She is also married and having some problems in her marriage. They really kind of kidded around with that but she admitted that she would have if her friend had pursued it. Both of my wifes affairs were with married men...and like you she felt safe. She had no intentions of leaving our marriage before it escalated and she felt like they were meant for one another.

by cutdeep 93 Posts
Posted on 6/18/2008 1:52 PM

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I think the best thing for you right now is to work on yourself. Get yourself to feeling better and maybe you will have a better outlook on life.

by hulagirl 159 Posts
Posted on 6/18/2008 8:53 AM

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OH, I have another question for you, did your wife engage in affairs with women also?

by dirtbety 7 Posts
Posted on 6/18/2008 8:45 AM

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Thank you for your comments, it really helps, your situation sounds exactly like ours I would like my husband to read your posts and maybe you can be a source of support for him because you know exactly how he feels and maybe he can help you. My second affair was with a married man, he had a wife and a small child, I thought this would be a safe relationship because we both did not want to leave our marriage. The more and more I think about this behavior the more horrible and worthless I feel, my husband said that I also
was thoughtless about the guy's wife and his child what I did to them, he was so right, she didn't deserve her world to be destroyed by my actions. I'm guessing I demons too, ones that have not been resolved like I mentioned in my last post, my counslor thinks that I might have manic episodes so I have an appointment with a psychiatrist, this is scareing the shit out of me, what if this is true? Then I'm damaged, and there is really no hope for me to have a normal relationship, I'll have to take regular medication that I sure as hell will forget all of the time, the antidepressants that I'm suppose to take regulary for my PMS. I'm almost convinced if he diagnoses me with Manic depression (which would explain quite a bit), there is no way my husband and I could get back together because I could not guarantee that it wouldn't happen again...my god I'm falling apart.

by dirtbety 7 Posts
Posted on 6/18/2008 8:42 AM

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It's possible but it will be difficult. My wife had 2 affairs and I still love her I think. I have told her that I want a divorce recently and it has lifted a huge weight off of me. It seems as if I don't have to try to be a husband and it is not my problem what she is doing. I want to believe that she isn't seeing anyone but it is difficult to believe so telling her I wanted out seemed to relieve me of that worry. I think the lack of trust is what was killing me. Anyway, if she would open up to me and show more regret I might be able to try again. The problem is that she is very closed up and she is handling this affair the same way she handled the first one and I know from the very real experience that it isn't enough. She loves me but she isn't dealing with the affair openly. It is as if she is pretending it didn't happen. When I talk about it she just looks at me sorrowfully. And obviously there are 2 sides and maybe it I am not a perfect husband but I could reason that she did have a messed up childhood and she isn't completely to blame if she would work at this harder. A divorce is the easiest answer for me but what concerns me is that she can't be alone, she will hastily forge new relationships to avoid that and married men are not off limits to her. She just doesn't recognize the sanctomony of that (she had relatinships with other married men before I met her) and, like you, she needs to figure out those demons before our children suffer from her selfishness.

by cutdeep 93 Posts
Posted on 6/17/2008 5:22 PM

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