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I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO WORK THROUGH OUR PROBLEMS, BUT YESTURDAY HE HANDED ME HIS CELL PHONE TO LOOK AT A PICTURE AT THAT TIME SOMEONE TEXT HIM. I OPENED IT NOT THINKING ANYTHING BECAUSE WE ANSWER EACH OTHERS PHONES ALL THE TIME ... WELL HE GOT A TEXT FROM A WOMAN SAYING . SO DOES THAT MEAN YOU LOVE ME... HE SAID THEY JUST JOKE AROUND ... WELL WE HAD A TALK ABOUT HER LAST WEEK BECAUSE IF HE REALLY LOVES AND WANTS US TO MAKE IT THEN HE DONT NEED TO BE TEXTING A WOMAN THAT HE KNOWS FOR A FACT IS INTO HIM... WELL HE TOLD ME THEY HAVE BEEN TEXTING BACK AND FORTH FOR AWHILE.. BUT NOTHING IS GOING ON..HE SAYS... HE LET ME READ ALL THE TEXTS.. IT WAS NOTHING BUT FLIRTING AND IT ENDED WITH HIM TELLING HER HE COULD LOVE HER.. I TOLD HIM THAT IS A FORM OF CHEATING AND EVEN THOUGH HE FEELS HE DONE NOTHING WRONG IN MY EYES HE HAS... HE CALLED ME AWHILE AGO TELLING ME HE TOLD HER TO DELETE HIS NUMBER THEM TEXTING IS COMEING OFF LIKE HES FLIRTING SO HE IS DELETING HERS.. HE SAID HE TOLD HER THAT HE DOESNT WANT US TO END BECAUSE OF A FEW BAD FIGHTS,, THAT I DONE ALOT FOR HIM AND HIS KIDS,, THAT HE DOES LOVE ME AND WANTS IT TO WORK... SHE SAID FINE DONT EVER TEXT HER AGAIN.. WHAT DO I DO?I HAVE NO TRUST LEFT AT ALL FOR HIM HE WAS FLIRTING ON THE PHONE WITH HER WHEN IM SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME I LOVE HIM TOO BUT I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WALK AWAY NOW.. FIRST HE WANTS A DIVORCE BECAUSE WE JUMPED INTO MARRIAGE TO FAST ,,, THEN HE WANTS TO WORK THROUGH IT HE LOVES ME .. NOW ITS ANOTHER WOMAN .. AND SHE KNEW HE WAS MARRIED HER SISTER WAS SUPOSE TO OF BEEN MY FRIEND BUT SHE GAVE THEM EACH OTHERS NUMBER AND TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT SHE LIKED HIM.. I FEEL LIKE EVERYTHING IS CONECTED THAT HE WANTED THE DIVORCE NOT BECAUSE WE JUMPED INTO IT BUT HE WAS INTO HER ALSO... BUT HE SAID ITS DONE BETWEEN THEM HE DIDNT THINK HE WAS DOING ANYTHING JUST TALKING TO HER THEY KNEW EACH OTHER SENCE THEY WHERE KIDS.. BUT HE ADMITTED HE GUESSES THAT IT WAS ALOT OF FLIRTING AND HE IS SORRY AND HE LOVES ME NEVER MENT TO HURT ME... I DONT THINK I CAN TRUST ANYTHING HE SAYS AGAIN I MEAN HE LIED ABOUT NOT TALKING TO HER AND HAD HER UNDER A FAKE NAME , I SHOULD TELL HIM TO LEAVE SHOULDNT I?

by janelle 15 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 2:11 PM

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Answers for "I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?" (15) (You must be logged in to answer)

If you suspect your spouse of cheating on you, you'll want to read this. http://www.productsupplycenter.com/web113822/

by lisa5 19 Posts
Posted on 11/2/2008 7:07 PM

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i'm dealin with the trust issue as well. but here's what i think. just because trust is lost, does not mean it can't be found again. it may be hard to trust again, but doesn't mean it's impossible. right now you will be trailing his every move, listening carefully to his every word, watching him, maybe even spying on him. do what u feel is neccessary. but do u really think yall need to separate? yes he lied but he didn't cheat physically. he said he was sorry an took care of the matters. (deleted her number) he might have been thinkin about cheating but did not. now that he's seen how close he came to losing u that might have brought him back to the marriage. people get bored an push buttons. but when they see the reaction of those buttons they back away. not everyone but your hubby did. give him the benefit of the doubt. i think separation is too much too soon an going too far. work through it an see a councelor before going to extremes.

by beachbabee54 1 Post
Posted on 8/1/2008 3:29 PM

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Perhaps if you agree to totally open access to all phone numbers, email etc. My hubby was texting and emailing women. We had it out and agreed that I have all passwords to anything that might get him into trouble. By setting me up as the first owner on the computer I have total access to all accounts.

My general rule of thumb is this... if it has to be done in secret, it is probably wrong. Just think about that, there is really very little that is done in secret that is above board.

by birdlover 10 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2008 8:06 PM

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I feel that once the trust is broken it is extremely hard to get that back. I am not saying it is impossible, but very difficult. Both parties would have to want to try to make the marriage work. From my perspective (having been cheated on myself).....would never really ever be able to trust them again. When I found out my husband was cheating....from that moment on I knew my marriage was over because I knew I would never trust him again. He was the one in the end who ultimately said he wanted out....and know even though it is hard I am glad he did because I would never have trusted him and truly been happy. We all deserve that.

by JLK 317 Posts
Posted on 6/4/2008 9:40 AM

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A few things stuck out in your story:
First, for him to text another woman with you so near is a lact of respect for you and your feelings. Second, he admitted to flirting; maybe it's to boost his ego, but if he crosses boundries of sharing intimate things with her that he should be coming home to share with you, it may be an emotional affair.

Maybe marriage counceling could help you talk honestly to each other and get to the bottom of why he does this to you and where your relationship stands. Things can be worked out if you are both honest and ready to do the work it takes.

by needadvice 3 Posts
Posted on 5/28/2008 10:48 PM

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I appreciate your advice, I'm working hard to work through this with my husband. I know, if he forgives me then like you said, it will always be in the back of his mind that I've done something more then I've told him or that I could do something again. That's why I don't know if I should just let him go so that he can be happy. I don't want to, I want things to work but I feel I should do what's best for him for a change. We are still in the same house right now so that the kids are not disrupted he says, but that gives me hope that things will work. Is there anything you would want your husband to do to show you that he is sincere about his promises? I know I should just give my husband time to heel, so maybe I will do like you did and send him or me away for the weekend so he can have time alone and think about what he really wants.
I wish you the best with your situation, I think you should do what's best for you, what will make you happy. My husband and I have been going through this only for a week or so, so I don't think he knows what he wants yet because he is still angry and hurt. If you've had more time to think about what you want, then do what's best for you because you need to be happy too.

by j1009 4 Posts
Posted on 5/28/2008 8:08 PM

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True what others say. It has to be your decision but as far as I am concerned the ONLY reason a person lies is to cover up something they know is WRONG.

by Linny 152 Posts
Posted on 5/28/2008 9:37 AM

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janelle,
you have to go with your heart. no matter what any body says only you can make THAT decision.
Be strong girl, and ask yourself is it worth it. make a list put the good thing about him on one side and the bad on the other. that will help also. I agree with everyone else. Trust plays a big role in a marriage. Let your inner instinct decide.

by director 3 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 7:26 PM

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THERE IS A GREAT BOOK OUT THERE THAT I HAVE READ, OVER AND OVER, IT IS "DIVORCE REMEDY" BY MICHELE WEINER DAVIS.MAYBE THAT WILL HELP. IT IS A LONG ROAD TO GET BACK TRUST, BUT IF YOU HAVE KIDS, IT IS WORTH A TRY. JUST DON'T BE A DOOR MATT. KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN. NOT A FUN WAY TO LIVE, BUT THAT BOOK WILL HELP YOU SEE A LOT OF THINGS CLEARLY. GOOD LUCK!

by ec 176 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 7:13 PM

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I feel you can clearly work things out, but both people have to want this, and there can never be another of incident of disrespect AGAIN....... make sure he knows this. Trust can easily come back again, but will take time and dedication on his part as well to build things back up. Girl, fight for your marriage.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am pulling for you.

by shira 51 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 6:55 PM

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I agree with Vicki 100%!!!! A marriage without trust is like a fish without water. It won't live long.
Trust is the glue of your life. Without it, everything falls apart.
Can you regain it? Everybody is different. Me personally, no way. If I can't trust your word than I can trust nothing about you but again, we are each different.
What it really comes down to is, What do you want?

by Linny 152 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 3:32 PM

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Janelle, I feel your pain in this situation. I am approaching it from the guy's perspective maybe just to give you a clue at how he might be thinking right now.

First off, there is no excuse whatsoever for his behavior. We men can justify these things a thousand different ways (mid-life crisis, need for attention and affection, boredom, emotional dysfunction with our spouse, etc.) But in the end, they are all just justifications for wrong actions -- it is a violation of trust and respect in the relationship and it can cause even the strongest relationship to crumble.

Second, you have to deal with the situation at hand, not what it could have been or should have been or wish it had been. Can you honestly and truthfully say that you love him and can forgive (not forget, but forgive) what he has done. If not, the relationship is likely broken beyond repair and you need to get the divorce and move on. If you can, it may be worth the effort to seek marriage counseling and work through these issues so you can feel confident there is a line of good communication and some repair of the emotional damage the flirting has caused you.

I wish you the best.

by justokguy 163 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 3:24 PM

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I'm in the same position your husband is in, the difference is I talk with my x-husband and my husband is very insecure. He thinks more is going on then there is, but my x and I have sent e-mails that should not have been sent. My husband has no trust in me and I don't know what to do. I guess I am writing to you for advice because you are in the position my husband is in. I'm not sure how this website works so I don't know how to chat with anyone yet. If you would like to talk, please e-mail me at cftryingt@gmail.com. Good luck

by j1009 4 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 2:53 PM

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THATS WHAT I SAID TO HIM ... I TOLD HIM I THINK THAT YOU ARE DOING ALL THIS WANTING ME TO MAKE THE MOVE AND TELL YOU TO GET OUT SO YOU DONT FEEL GUILTY.. HE SAID NO I LOVE YOU I WANT YOU .. I GUESS TODAY IS IT... I AM GOING TO TELL HIM TO JUST GET HIS STUFF AND GO BACK TO HIS BROTHERS.. I FEEL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO FIGHT FOR.. HE WANTS TO PLAY GAMES AND I JUST CANT DO IT ANYMORE.... IT HURTS IT HURTS ALOT ... I PUT SO MUCH INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP AND WE WHERE ONLY MARRIED FOR A YEAR .. I FEEL LIKE I WASTED MY TIME ON HIM ... 2 YEARS WE WHERE TOGETHER AND ITS ENDING LIKE THIS .. SO MANY BROKEN PROMISES SO MANY LIES... TO THINK I NEVER SEEN IT COMEING I THOUGHT WE HAD A GOOD MARRIAGE...

by janelle 15 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 2:22 PM

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i think you know what you should do here. without trust what is there? sounds like he is doing a typical thing of forcing you to make these decisions. first he does x, then y, then z and each time it gets further and further into cheating or divorce territory. he wants you to be the adult and make the decisions.

by Vicki 856 Posts
Posted on 5/27/2008 2:14 PM

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