3 Posts

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Thanks for everyone's feedback...couple of follow up points.

To address SoDarnConfused point, yes, we have talked extensively about our lack of intimacy...and desire.  I probably have more than she does, but it too is beginning to fade. 

 

We both agree that intimacy (yes, sex being part of that but not the end all be all) is vital to closeness, connectedness and fostering good communication.  My concern is that just having a great friendship, love for each other (vs. being madly in love with each other), shared life goals, good network of friends may not be enough to support this thing in the long haul.

 

Already, cracks are beginning to show...arguments more easily arise, communication issues/misunderstandings, desire for something more.

 

To make matters more confusing, its not that either of us are incapable of this...we've both had closeness and intimacy in previous relationships, just not with each other.  Its just so darn confusing when you connect so well on so many levels but completely misfire on others.

To the point about counseling, we're not averse to the idea...I'm just not sure how it's really going to help.  We don't have any trust issues, communication breakdowns, misalignment on life goals/perspectives...we just simply don't connect like lovers really should.  Argh!

 

Thanks!

Stuart

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2 Posts

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wow you told my story.  Love is great and very important.  but so is the sex.   The closeness.  Without someone is likely to stray.

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90 Posts

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Stuart, maybe you both did other things instead of trying to hurt each other, you both may need to go to marriage counseling if you want to work this out. Yes sometimes loving each other is enough to get you over this hurdle. Have either of you thought about having an affair? If you have maybe it is time to call it quits. Good luck with your decision of you want.

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30 Posts

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the number one reason my husband left me is because of lack of frequency w/ sex - when we had it, it was good, it just wasn't enough for him.  he would masturbate & look at a lot of porn.  
he's now with a 25 year old and i think they are intimate several times per day / week.  also, i have stage IV endometriosis that caused infertility, so i'm pretty sure he's going to have children with this kid right away, too.  we are both 41, and married for 9 years.  endometriosis can cause pain with intercourse and i've been on meds for it, chronic pain, depression, fertility treatments, etc - now, i'm finally starting to feel okay, and getting thru the depression of not having children (we were supposed to adopt this year) and he leaves me now - 
my point to all of this is.. he swears he still loves me, and i believe him because i can see it in his face and I can just tell, and i've wanted to reconcile all along - but he says our love is simply not enough to try again. and i totally 100% disagree... love is enough - it's powerful and can heal and support and marriage is way more than just sex, and you can regain the fire/passion - set aside special date nights, etc.  for me - the anticipation of getting in the mood for a rendezvous is so exciting, on the way out the door for work in the morning is not so much... 
i wish with all my heart that we could have tried again, but i know now it's too late and filed the paperwork for divorce last week... but if you both want to try - please try.  he didn't want to try any more.  there are no guarantees, but you'll know you tried.  your marriage and time together are worth trying for one more time.  i wish you the best and hope it works out as god planned.

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4 Posts

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Stuart: I've been trying to figure out how to word my situation, and you hit the nail on the head. Your post could be mine. I too am wondering if love is enough. My husband is my life and vice versa, but our passion is gone after 10 years. I know our problems now have stemmed from not communicating or talking about the lack of intimacy. I see that now. But it's hard to talk about it or say what you want. Have you two sat down and talked about the lack of intimacy? When my husband flat out asked for a divorce and all of this came out, all of a sudden our marriage, sex life, etc., etc., became SO much more important to me (not that I'm condoning the "D" word to kick anything into high gear!).

 

You can have those arguments and conflicts, but the key is to keep having them. Communication. It's hard and I struggle with it every day, not wanting to rock the boat, but you have to.

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488 Posts

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And I agree. Rekindle that fire...love is enough..

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55 Posts

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It's funny, If I didn't know you were from Seattle I'd say you're my husband because of the way you described your situation. Seriously , it all depends on how much you  both value your relationship and if she's as committed to it as you are. Maybe marriage counseling along with sex therapy can help. In my case, we've just gone through too much health problems early in the marriage(according to him) that the bond nor the intimacy never got stronger. Honestly , I'd rather have love that can sustain me through the years , than an all-consuming love that leaves me in 2-3 months time. In all the books I've read about relationships, the main struggle is usually the intimacy issue. This gives me hope that my relationship is normal. It does also point out the importance of meeting your spouse's needs. If both of you are willing to be honest and talk about the issues instead of giving up, then I  believe love is enough to get you through the rough patches that's coming your way.

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