I guarantee that you will hear “you’re better off without him” from everyone you know after he leaves, even if you were desperate for him to stay. Whether you were the one who ended it or he did you may ask yourself again and again: “Am I better off without him?” If you were dumped it’s hard to acknowledge that you are better off, especially economically. You will turn over the pros and cons until, as time goes on, the answer will become more and more affirmative.

My divorced girlfriend Kathy was the devil’s advocate on this one. “No one tells you how horrible it’s going to be, how you want to kill yourself, how you feel like you’re going crazy, how you’re sure you’ll never live through it, she declared emphatically one summer day as we drank Mojitos at a Puerto Rican restaurant on Kingston’s waterfront. “ They just move on to the “it’s all for the best” part. Listen, I’m happy to be rid of my bastard ex-husband, but it still wasn’t worth it just to get laid. Divorce is like cancer. Yeah, after a cancer patient is in remission or cured they’re all starry eyed and claim it changed their lives for the better, now they enjoy life to the fullest yada yada yada. I ask you, would these people have chosen to have cancer so they could have such wonderful lives now. No way Jose.”

In my case I really was better off, even though I refused to admit it for a long, long time. When I carried on about how much I missed him, my girlfriend Wendy would gently remind me of how I used to act like I’d gotten out of prison for the evening when I went to the movies with her by myself during my marriage. I’d forgotten about that. I knew I did kinda like not having to turn off the light when he wanted to go to sleep, not having to walk on eggshells around him in fear of his rages, not having to feel guilty when I didn’t want sex, and actually spending time with my daughter without him criticising my parenting. I liked wearing the clothes and makeup that he hated. I liked not having to listen to his tiresome accounts of how he’d spent his day and not having to report to him where I’d been and what I done. It was my daughter who was worse off without him, not me.