Search our site

divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

Community  :: Chat  :: Answers

space
ad by divorce360
ADVERTISING PARTNERS
Answers
You can search for Answers by tag here:


Invite Others
Invite friends and family to join you on d360! - Click here

where do I start
Our checklists are a great place to start. Or, get a quick review of your state's divorce laws with our Legal Cheat Sheet.

Question

   Posted to group - Chat    <<Previous    Next>>

hard to handle

I am trying very hard to handle this divorce process with some dignity and trying to keep my children sane. Counseling has really helped us get through this tough time. What I am finding hard to cope with is watching my spouse of 18 years drown in his own misery. He wanted out, not me, and yet I feel bad that he is struggling so hard to now cope with everyday life and finances. He does not have a good job to support himself and he is now not coping. His health is detouriating and he looks worse than I have ever seen him in 18 years. Is it normal for me to feel so bad for him and yet there is a part of me that still says "that is what he wanted". How does one explain to young children why dad looks so bad. They want to know why I am not helping him. Any suggestions on how to handle this one. I am afraid that he is not eating, sleeping or just coping with it all. When does one step in and help? Or should I just stand back and let him crash and burn while the kids watch? This is really a hard position to be in. I am a nurse and my instinct says to help, but I right now I am having enough trouble getting through my own emotions.
by dyben    293 Posts   
Posted on 5/3/2008 5:45 AM    
Sent to Friendsend to friend
0

Tags:

read more from user >>

Answers for "hard to handle"  (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

I'd sit him down and let him know his appearance is upsetting the kids as they are sensative to the stress all of this is causing and that he needs to get himself straightened out for them.

 

Give him the number for your therapist.
by spaznskitz   2500 Posts
Posted on 5/4/2008 3:49 AM
Log in to Add Friends
0



Of course it's troubling.  You loved the man for quite some time, I suspect you probably still do.  You can't just shut that off.  Hang in there Dyben.
by Robert-Boyd   2672 Posts
Posted on 5/3/2008 2:39 PM
Log in to Add Friends
0



Do not misunderstand...divorce is the best option for me.  I can not live with his drama and self destruction.  It is hard to watch someone you care about fall...he does not want my help.  trying to keep the kids sane is my number one priority.  Not him...he did make his bed so to speak and he can lie in it, but it is still troubling to watch from a distance.
by dyben   293 Posts
Posted on 5/3/2008 1:30 PM
Log in to Add Friends
0



I would say that you can draw "friendly" limitations.  What if it was a friend who was crashing, what would you do?  Use that as a guide.  You obviously have a kind heart, so don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of.  Remember: you can't save everybody.  If he won't accept your help, you can't take it personally.  You can't stop a person from hurting themselves.  You seem smart, I think you know the boundries. 

As far as the kids, well be honest.  Explain that your husband has pulled away, and you can only help "so much."  He's tied your hands by separating.   It's an important lesson for them to learn, and with any luck, they'll never need to use it.

Most of all, don't forge to pray for your husband.  God is faithful.  He cares. He'll work things out for the best.  I'll pray for you and your family Dyben.
by Robert-Boyd   2672 Posts
Posted on 5/3/2008 1:10 PM
Log in to Add Friends
0



Wow thats to bad, many woman would say he made his bed, now he has to lay it it! Be sure he is not doing this strictly to elicit sympathy so that you cave in the divorce negotiations.....
by gomundo2   69 Posts
Posted on 5/3/2008 9:50 AM
Log in to Add Friends
0



Are you both sure that "divorce" is the answer?  You sound like you are both struggling with this decision.  It is o.k. to feel the way you do because you loved this man for a very long time and he is the father of your children.  I say it is perfectly all right for you to help him.  The kids will expect and appreciate the fact that you still care for "dad" and want the best for him.  Is he seeking counseling as well?
by Barkley   807 Posts
Posted on 5/3/2008 6:57 AM