What To Do When Your Current Partner is Having Issues with Ex and Kids?

don't meet her unless she asks to meet you. It will only cause more problems. She sees your face, you become more of a threat.

That's pretty much what he says. I keep thinking that maybe if I met her, it wouldn't feel so big. Right now, it feels like this woman that I have never met is constantly trying to control our lives. On the other hand, she might start calling and yelling at me at that point!

eh, I think he "lays down" to his ex not because there are unresoved feelings - but more because he just doesn't want the conflict & drama - it's easier just to give her her way than to fight about it.

He loses out in some respects but he justifies it by the fact it got whatever the problem was - over with...

That is a good point, and what I am trying to tell myself. He brought some stuff up about them last night and I didn't take the bait because it seems to always end up with us having a difficult time which is exactly what his ex and daughter both want. On the other hand, I have to agree with Bambi, there is something very intimate about the way his ex feels she still has the right to fight with him in that way and make all these demands. It makes me feel sometimes that he and she are not really done and that if they were, he would not continue to let her do this. On the other hand, he doesn't really engage with her, just listens to her rant. He does, however, then get twisted up and end up agreeing to whatever it is they want without thinking. This is why so many times we have had plans, he "accidently" double books and agrees to drive his daughter somewhere. It is annoying but you are right, not my drama.

GGD

when it come right down to it, you don't have any influence over his past. You can't make him see what he doesn't' want to see, and you can't make him fix something he doesn't feel is broken.

He is not harsh with his daughter because he feels bad about the divorce and the fact he is now just a part time parent. He does not want to do anything to jeapordize the little relationshop he has left with her.

Giving him orders or ultimatums on how you think he should be handling things doesn't make you much different than the ex. He has to come up with what he is going to do all on his own.

 

I gave this advice to mtnvly and I'll give the same to you - back away from it - you are getting yourself too emotionally involved in a situation that has absolutlely nothing to do with you other than the fact you are dating a man with the issues. They aren't your issues. Don't let his "stuff" get in the way of you - stop compromising for the sake of his situation and just do for yourself - if he wants the relationship - he will make the changes necessary to fit into your life. You need a break from the drama - concentrate on yourself, you life and your needs for a while - not his drama.

It really is a joke. They just had another fight via the phone about the oldest getting a job. He wants to work but the job site is 45 minutes from our house. 25 minutes from hers. She said she will not take him either trip( he only has his learners) that my bf has to take him. To and from , twice a day , 180 minutes total. Of course she laid a guilt trip on him about it. He told her she could help pay the gas and she threw a fit. He has asked her for receipts for things she wants help with and has gotten none. She screamed at him that she hasn't gotten help for the last 5 years...he needs to help.
He has went to almost every game the kids have played in. He has kept insurance on them. He has always paid his child support. He has bought them things they need. Heck , I even just washed and mended his daughters ball pants because they were filthy and had a hole. She works a full time job, cleans the church , gets 740 bucks a month for child support (on a 4 week month) 925 on a 5week, plus gets alimony. 250-325 a month.
She gets ticked off whenever he says no. He found the job for his son but she had to agree to it to sign because she has sole custody. She said it was his idea , he could do it.
It wasn't his idea to sign the kids up for the sporting stuff or ballet they have been doing. Not his idea to send them to youth convention but he does the running and she doesn't even go.
I am not sure how much more I am going to be able  take of her. I am so glad I have full custody of my kids . If I were divorced from their dad instead of widowed I think I would have to shoot myself rather than deal with bull like this. Their dad would have been just like her.

I will be honest with you, no one and I mean no one, is going to walk in and act like my man is hers. if they are still going through the divorce,thats one thing, but, if its done, then he isn't hers anymore, he is now yours.  I feel that if someone is talking to my husband like that, then it is the same as talking to me or my children like that. and I will not allow that. If she wants to give him trouble, then that is ok, within limits. But it will all be done with a certain amount of respect. Good luck to you.

Wow, I am glad to hear that he is fighting her on that in court! I just feel so frustrated because my bf realizes that he is not doing his daughter any favors by seeing his ex scream at him all the time and then letting the daughter be rude to him and excepting it, yet he seems unable to change his reactions to them. I don't think the ultimatum works so well with him, but it is something to keep in mind. I hope that everything goes well for you both in July!

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Why do they let their ex dictate to them ???
I am in a similar situation. My bf has 3 kids ages 9-16. His ex had it put in their seperation agreement that he is allowed visitation on certain days at certain times in the surrounding area with activites that she approves of. He (not she) is not allowed to have anyone that he is romantically involved with in the presence of the children. He was so desperate to get out that he signed it. Mind you...this took place 7 years ago.
They are now divorced. They are getting ready to go to court to get all that changed. Here is what is going on NOW>>>She finally got a job and cannot take the kids to a lot of the things they are involved in. He works for me and has a flexible schedule BUT-he is running them every evening. He put 100 miles on his truck one night for them. Because she was awarded sole custody ( he had the kdis around a previous girfriend) with visitation at her discretion...she constantly changes the schedule. She schedules things (personal like bday parties) on the days that he is supposed to get them and doesn't tell him. She is not allowing Sat visits because she is afraid he will take them around me. They are divorced and she still holds the reigns. So when he has them  I am not allowed to be around them...he has stuff he has to do with them so he is gone, and it is almost every evening. Her nickname  is physco , btw. He is starting to stand up to her mainly because I have pushed him to do so. It is affecting my life with my family. I told him that if he wants to be with me then he will have to shut down her drama. Hopefully in July when they go to court it will go better. Some of the verbage will be changed to relinquish her control. It is crazy!!!!