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Almost every counselor, clergyman and self help guru seems to have an opinion about forgiveness, and most of those opinions have the same core message: You need to forgive for yourself, not the other person. Forgiveness is the only way to let go of the negative feelings that are eating you up inside, that he may not even be aware of. If you don't forgive you are doomed to be bitter and blaming forever. You need to forgive in order to move on.
The problem is that we're taught we must forgive in order to heal, to stop carrying around all that anger and hatred. But how is that possible? The very definition of forgiveness means you 're supposed to stop being angry about something you have every right to be angry about. In order to do that you have to twist yourself and your emotions into a pretzel, or admit you've failed at yet another aspect of your marriage—your divorce. That's just more guilt being pushed on you, as if you didn't feel enough guilt. I personally don't feel like forgiving my cheating ex unless he sincerely expresses remorse--which he hasn't done and probably never will.
I contend that you don't have to forgive unless you feel like it, or unless your ex has made amends. You will not necessarily suffer if you don't forgive. Forgiveness is not the only way to heal from hurt, betrayal, emotional or physical abuse. You will move on anyway because unless you hang on to your hurts, nursing them with more and more attention, they will naturally fade with time. Forgiveness may, or may not, have anything to do with moving on. We are human, our wounds heal, hurts of the past recede into the past and the pain they caused lessens over the years. Just like any other kind of grief, the pain caused by betrayal or abuse fades whether or not we forgive our exes Forgiveness often happens organically, after enough time has passed.
Do you agree?