Thanks, I will check these two options out, it is always nice to have options.  I wouldn't mind trying to turn this thing around, but I'm not giving it much hope that he will want to, but hey you never know!  Thans for taking the time to respond to me!

Hi, I really feel for you.  It's terrible to have to end a 30 year marriage.  I have a good friend in exactly your situation and she can't leave either--and she's a shrink!!.  It sounds to me like your husband is terrified of exploring his emotions.  Since your husband says he still loves you I would try one or two last ditch counseling attempts.  If, by any chance, you are Catholic--or even if you're not--, I strongly recommend Retrouvaille, a wonderful weekend workshop for married couples on the brink of divorce.  My husband and I are Jewish and I dragged him to it.  He was having an affair so it didnt' work, but  I learned an enormous amount about the role of  communication in marriage.  It's a powerful program and your husband will find many men at the workshop  who feel exactly the way he does.  It's led by peer couples, not shrinks, who have been through the program and talk about how it helped them.   The men in the peer couples are very down to earth, and help the reluctant guys relate.   The website is www.retrouvaille.org.  Also, if your husband is a nuts and bolts, scientific type he might be willing to go to a John Gottman workshop.  Gottman has made a scientific study of what makes marriages work and has come up with some very practical exercises that they teach in his workshops.  www.Gottman.com (or org).  Men who distrust touchy feely counseling often like the Gottman approach.  They have workshops all over.    If he refuses to go to any type of counseling or workshop, I'd move out and call it a trial separation.  He may simply not believe you're serious.   There's nothing like an empty house to convince him otherwise.   Good luck!!

Erica,  thank you so much for your advice.  Sounds like you have been in touch with many people going through divorce.  I appreciate your input.  I'm not too sure this divorce could be amicable.  I know that if I decide to go, I will make it as smooth as possible for my adult children.  My husband, on the other hand, is by nature a miserable person.  He cannot see anything in his life (except his grandchildren) in a positive light.  He does not know how to be happy.    He almost died in 2006 from an abdominal aortic anerysum, and I had hoped that  he might appreciate life a bit more, but that didn't happen.  Instead, in my belief, he became depressed.  I encouraged him to go to the Dr. and seek relief.  He did go to the dr., and got a perscription for wellbutrin, but to try and quit smoking.  He did not tell the dr. he might be depressed.  After a week on the wellbutrin, he gave it up, saying it "does not work". 

But the bottom line for me is that the past 30 years have been crazy, much of our time was spent in turmoil.  I know I can't spend too much more in this marriage unless some things change.  I have been to counseling, my husband refuses.  He says "the past is the past" and "I'm hallucinating" if I think anything is wrong now.  I'm very unhappy.  I have told him that I am unhappy to the point that I want to leave.  He tells me that he loves me and does not want me to leave, but he is not willing to make any "emotional" adjustments.  We haven't been intimate since right before his near death experience in 2006.  I've asked him about that, but he just does not respond.   

Even still, I'm worried about hurting him!  Such a crazy thought, since there where many, many times over the past 30 years that he didn't give a 2nd thought to hurting me.  Also, I happen to like my little corner of the world, I like my home, I like to have my family over on Sunday for dinner.

There is almost no information available about ending long term marriages.  Adult children suffer a lot more than anyone thinks.  We all assume that just because they're grown it will be ok with them.  But divorce causes adult children to question their entire childhoods and they have to decide where to go on which holiday etc.  (I've done research on this)  The best thing for adult children, just like with small children, is not to be dragged into the battle between their parents, and when parents can get along and not insist that the kids pick sides.  Sounds like since there's no affair or betrayal in your case, you and your husband may be able to work out an amicable divorce that would be easiest for your kids.