I'm at the end of my rope.....

Kelmax- I am sorry but I have to agree with spaznskitz. She did not say that you are a nut case. She was giving you sound advise. It sounds as though you have reason for concern, but unless you have evidence to back it then you don't have a leg to stand on. Her recomending joint physical with you having sole is a good idea. He should not have your child with his new girlfriend overnight, but unless you can talk him into a clause stating otherwise, that is what you will be told by the court. As for the medication, etc. you need to document everything. You stated that the childs doctor was concerned so I am assuming that it was documented by him? That would be good evidence. Keep a journal of everythign that happens. You may end up with him having less custody if you keep track of things, such as if he is late picking up or returning. You will just have to be on your toes. Please don't take spaznskitz advise so harshly. I read it  and it seems on track. We know you are hurting . It has not been an easy thing to go thru. Just don't use your child to try to punish him.I am in a situation like that right now. You are better than this jerk, and like she said, even though he IS a jerk, your child needs him. Aim for joint and you get sole. Get the court to mandate the visitaion and the moral clause added. Start your journal. I use a calender in my software and document everything. When you have a lot of proof , then you may be able to prove he is unfit, if that be the case. Good Luck!

Sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. Yes it is going to be difficult for you to allow your husband to see your son, especially with him being with another woman. Have faith that I had this problem with my first divorce. My advice would be just be sure that your husband understands what your son needs during his time with his dad. Forunately, your son is is young enough that he will never know that you and your husband are not a couple. This works out in your son's favor. Try real hard not to let your husband know that his cheating and being with another woman bothers you. As long as you show him this, he will always have the advantage over you becuase he will know that you still care for him. From the sounds of it, he is not worth you, nor does he deserve a woman that is as passionate as you. Time will help, but the pain will not immediately go away. Your son does need to know his father even though he seems to be an idiot. If your husband holds true to the form that you have suggested, he will abandon your son and you will wind up where you want. If he needs convincing to see his own son, there is only so long he can impress his new girlfriend/mother and this will play into your favor. Have faith. My prayers are with you.

WOW,IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.IT IS TRUE I HAVE BEEN OUT OM MY HOUSE SINCE NOVEMBER,AND I JUST STARTING TO FEEL BETTER.I FEEL YOUR PAIN KILMAX BUT IT TRUE,YOU MUST FIX YOUR SELF FIRST.WHAT SPAZNSKITS IS DONE IS PUT MATCH UNDER YOUR BUT BECAUSE THE COURT IS A TOUGH PLACE TO BE,GO TALK TO SOMEBODY GET IT OUT,YOUR GONNA HAVE HIGHS AND LOWS AS THIS DIVORCE GOES ON AND THIS DIVORCE IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FAST,YOUR LOOKING AT OVER 6 MONTHS,YOUR GOING TO MAKE YOURSELF SICK OVER THIS,THATS WHAT HAPPEN TO ME.I JUST PULLING OUT OF IT NOW AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SEE MY KIDS SINCE I LEFT THE HOUSE.SO WITH MY DEVORCE MOVING ON ,NOT ABLE TO SEE KIDS,HOUSE GOING UP FOR SALE AND WILL MOST LIKLY LOOSE MY OTHER TWO PROPERTIES TO MSTBX,I HAD MORE DOWN THEN UPS,AND I`M PULLING OUT OF THE BLACK HOLE NOW.SO GO TALK TO A 3RD PARTY FOR YOUR FIRST STEP.IT GOING TO BE A LONG ROAD.THIS IS A GOOD SITE IF YOU WANT THE TRUTH ABOUT GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE.I HOPE YOUR STILL READING THE POST`S AND GOOD LUCK WE ALL NEED IT.

I understand the emotional rollercoaster you are on and I am sorry that you viewed the answers as harsh and rude.  I do not feel spaznskitz answers made you look crazy at all.

I do feel she was on the mark trying to help you in regards to trying to get past the actual emotional hurt to get to what the real problems are that you see as your husband's lack of parenting.

Sometimes things are very tough to deal with and it does hurt to hear some things that do not go along with what you had hoped in your own mind.  She does offer some very sound legal advice, which is what you stated you wanted in addition to emotional advice.

I think emotionally you should see a counselor or pastor or other unbiased 3rd party to help work out these tough emotions.  Your child means the world to you and you are hurt by your husband's affair - that is natural and it is what makes you human!

The more emotional you are regarding this, the more control your husband has over you.  You can be emotional, but you have to keep a level head and get out your greif and heartache through a 3rd party so you can see what legally you can do.

A moral clause really is the only way to keep the girlfriend away unless you can prove that she is in some way actually harming your child and try to get a restraining/protection order against her.

Yes, having this "other woman" come in contact with your child hurts you - that is normal - but unless she is harming your child, please try to get past the hurt and pain of that and become the bigger and stronger person.  Let go of the bitterness and hurt (your own post gives off that impression and rightly so, I'm not trying to be rude) and you might find yourself feeling stronger.

Sometimes you have to "kill them with kindness" and you will feel better in your soul when you do this...so find someone that you can actually speak to about all of this and get it out...

Let your heart bleed like it should and then you can begin to heal...

you want advice from people who have been there - I deal with people who are in the position you are in every single day...In your post you asked for LEGAL help - not just emotional support,

I gave you the legal end of it. Now I'm truly sorry if you wanted someone to tell you only what you wanted to hear, and not what you needed to hear when it comes to the legal aspect of your case. Part of dealing with your issue, is understanding what can and can't happen. the less realistic you are, the worse it can be for you. dogging you? How about more like caring that you get as close to what you want without jeapordizing yourself?

You are wasting a whole lot of emotion and probably a whole lot of tears on a cheating jerk - he isn't worth it. Learn to say good riddance to bad rubbish, be glad he is "HER" problem now as you are much better off...and work on getting on with your life.

you can't go into court charged up on the emotions that you are right now - it will not go well for you if you do. You want to handle this the right way at the beginning of the court proceeding - so you aren't miserable at the back end of it with a divorce/custody agreement you are stuck with that is nothing like you want.

You can not like me for giving it to you like it is until the sun comes up - as some point you are going to figure out that nothing I have said to you has been meanspirited or against you. You just aren't ready to deal with the legal reality & how cold it is. It's going to come up faster than you think though. Get your head out of your heart for now...and think smart about the future and how to truly manipulate the legal system to get things as ideally like you want it to be.

Would you please leave me alone spaznskitz.  I came onto this website looking for at least some empathy or a friend who has been through a similar issue who could give me some guidance on how they got through it and how I can get help myself.  You are rude and have made me truly regret reaching out for help.  I will never visit this website again.  All it did was make me feel worse and gave me no help whatsoever.  You could certainly work on your "bedside" manner a little.  I don't give a crap if you are an attorney, there's no need to dog people like you've dogged me-especially people who are asking for help.

the medical issue you are having - is minor in the eyes of the court and is not enough to award you sole custody. Especially if it is because he feels the child doesn't need the meds. (you don't say what the condition is so I can't elaborate more)

the affairs - doesn't matter. If you are worried about the long term affects, you a) don't talk to your son about it negatively b) get the child into therapy. (not my opinion it is what the court will tell you)

the girlfriend - he has a right to move on with his life - the court doesn't get overly involved in this area - I gave you the only remedy you have in my first post.

 

what you also have to understand, is sole custody won't change a single thing you have a problem with. He will still get ample visitation, he will still have him around the girlfriend and he will still not give the child the medication if he doesn't want to. All sole custody does, is give you the right to make all decisions about what goes on with the child in education & medical. No matter what custody you have, you still can't control what goes on in his home on his time. You won't have the right to deny him time with the child if that is what you are thinking it allows.

I'm not sure what you think sole custody gives you, but I have a feeling you are misinformed.

compromise - joint physical custody, with sole legal to you - you get to make all the medical & education choices in the future without looking like you are trying to take the child away from him.

you aren't quite understanding...

my answer to you was not harsh, it was to show you, and I say this in it, what you "look" like to the court with your actions. You have to watch your actions, watch your wording and document your relevant issues.

 

Notice that you elaborated on the medical/medicine issue in youre second post - you make no mention of any issues in your first post. You posted feelings - not facts. 

**no real desire to know how to take care of him and I have made all of the decisions regarding his health and well being since the day he was born.*** no mention whatsoever of anything relevant that can help you with anything - all you sound like is someone who has an attitude. 

My son needs medication and my husband-even with specific instructions from me-does not administer it correctly if even at all.  My husbands mother has used adult prescription medication on my son.  A relevant fact.

do you see the difference?

 

stop making it about his affair - yes, I realize he hurt you, yes, it's a rotten thing for anyone to do - but it has no bearing whatsover on custody of children.

If you think I was harsh, wait until you get into court. the court doesn't care about how you feel - it cares about facts - nothing in your first post was factual information that would help you get what you want. 

I am crazy with hurt and sadness that this is all going on. Yeah, hon, you are sounding crazy, you sound like a scorned woman who wants to keep the kids away because he cheated on you - I'm trying to tell you to fix your mindset. 

On medical issues - you have a problem. He might not feel the medicine is necessary, so he has every right on his time not to give it to the child - you are going to have to have documentation and proof of the negative affect it has on the child and prove to the court his actions are detrimental. An isolated incident with his mom won't matter, it has to be a consistent problem and

I do not "let" my husband visit his son-we are trying to stick with what visitation will be after the divorce.  But I feel I am "letting" him visit because I have to see it that way to get through it.  Thanks for your harsh answer.  I feel worse for having asked the question.  You made me sound like a nut case-which I am not.  I'm just sick with the fact that he can have these affairs and no one even cares how it affects myself or my son in the long run.  I just wish there could be consequences for making a mockery of marriage and family.  Yes, I'm hurt.  Who wouldn't be in my situation.  I worry about my son when he is with his father.  My son needs medication and my husband-even with specific instructions from me-does not administer it correctly if even at all.  My husbands mother has used adult prescription medication on my son.  This was appalling and even my son's pediatrician was extremely concerned about this.  So you see, I have every right to feel I need to have sole custody.  My husband and his family make very poor choices concerning my son and his welfare.  So I am happy I am no longer going to be with my husband, I am just so concerned about my son-he is my everything.  I KNOW he is not a piece of furniture as you so kindly pointed out, but he deserves the very best care and life experiences he can get.  I am not a woman scorned out for revenge as you made me sound.  And my attorney filed automatically for sole custody-I know I may not get it, but why the heck shouldn't I try???

Ok, fact of the matter is, if he wants joint custody, he will get it - your child is too young to establish any sort of pattern to the court that he is unwilling to parent - in fact, you filing for sole custody makes it seem to the court that you are possibly causing him to not be a part of his son's life, especially when you further try to control what he does on his time.

I realize you find him bringing the child around his girlfriend upsetting, but you can't control what he does on his visitation time.

All you can do is request a morals clause which states neither parent will have overnight guests of the oppposite sex during overnight visitation time until legally married - but that is the extent of your control.

He could very well become a much more active parent once the child is older, when he can have more interaction with the child.

 

You have to understand something, you may have given birth, but your child is not your sole property like a piece of furniture. Your husband has just as much right to the child as you do - and you can not keep the child from him. It isn't a matter of "letting" your husband visit the child. He has a RIGHT to be a parent. The sooner you come to terms with it, the easier this process will be.


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