divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

Answers
Your can search for Answers by tag here:



Question

  Posted to group - Should I Stay or Should I Go    <<Previous    Next>>

WHY IS MY HUSBAND SOO SELFISH?

Hello everyone.  I just joined divorce360 because I need advice really badly.  I am sitting here crying as I write this.  My husband and I have been basically sleeping in two different rooms since our daughter was 3 months old.  She is now 19 months.  At the time, I felt safer with her sleeping in the bed with us than in her crib by herself.  Now, I would like for her to sleep in her crib but she wakes up earlier when she's in there than when she sleeps on the bed.  My husband wants her to be in the crib by herself as well but he doesn't want it to be done gradually, he wants it to be done NOW.  I'm the one that would have to get up with her when she wakes up at 3 AM and put her back to sleep. 

Well, this morning, around 2 AM, I woke up from a pretty bad dream and went to "his" room to ask him if he could come sleep in the bed with us because I was soo shaken up by the dream.  He told me to sleep in his room and to leave our daughter sleeping in the bed by herself.  I told him that I didn't want to do that and that I preferred if he came in the room with us.  He basically said no and I'm just feeling like, I would do it for him and if he really loves me, wouldn't he do it for me?  Now, I am sitting here just thinking how selfish he is and feeling unloved by him.  This is something that I always tell him.  He's not selfish all of the time, but at times I look at him like, wow.  How am I going to stay with this man for the rest of my life.  I understand why people cheat.  To get affection and understanding that they are not getting at home.  But, should I cheat to fulfill that, should I just leave, or should I be more understanding?  I don't expect for readers to tell me to leave my mate or anything like that, but if any one has a similar situation, story, or great advice on how to handle it, I would really, really appreciate it.  Kadi    

by Kadi 
Posted on 4/24/2008 3:38 AM    
Sent to Friendsend to friend
   
Tags: Help advice for living with a selfish husband
0


read more from user >>


Answers for "WHY IS MY HUSBAND SOO SELFISH?"  (5) (You must be logged in to answer)

I started sleeping separate from my husband because I went to bed earlier than him and I am a light sleeper - he'd come home / to bed later and then I'd be up all night trying to get back to sleep.  Also, when my father went into a mental health hospital because of Alzheimer's dementia I kept having nightmares about him and would wake up frequently... other things kept happening - the dogs would need to go out, I had chronic pain, etc.  It was A HUGE MISTAKE to stop sleeping in my marital bed that I will regret forever.  TRUST ME!  Get back to sleeping/snuggling, etc. with your hubby or more problems will follow.  My husband now sleeps with his 25 year old girlfriend...

  by 6108
Posted on 5/11/2008 8:04 PM

0


Thank you soo much for the great advice.  I will start putting her in her own bed TONIGHT.  It will be hard to do but I know that I need to do it to save my marriage.  I hate us sleeping in separate rooms.  Kadi

  by Kadi
Posted on 5/11/2008 7:41 PM

0


i am sorry, but i don't understand why you feel it is necessary for the baby to sleep with you and your husband but i don't have to..  my thought is "you are asking for trouble in not sleeping with your husband."  Your baby should have been a product of your loving each other, not a a hindrance to more loving after she was born.  Children have been sleeping in their own rooms in their own beds forever and i don't believe sleeping as such has endangered them.  i feel compelled to remind you that in today's world you are making it very easy for someone else  (not your child) to come between you & your husband and then you will be asking why...put the kid in her room to sleep, she will be just fine.. she will probably cry & pitch a fil for a little while each night but it you stick to your guns and make sure you tell your husband what you are doing for his support i am sure your issues will resolve themselves and you all will be happier in the long run...

  by karomelkitty
Posted on 4/27/2008 5:22 PM

1


here is the link from the supernanny site about the sleep separation technique - I highly highly highly suggest you put it into practice immediately - 

http://www.supernanny.us.com/Advice/-/Your-toddler/-/Toddler-care/The-sleep-separation-technique.aspx

it will be a week at the most before your child understands she won't get what she wants and will stay in bed all night.

Please do this for your marriage, you have no reason to leave him, you have no reason to cheat - you need to get your child out of your bed and your lovelife back into it.

 

take it from a seasoned parent professional - you aren't going to do any permanent damage to your child getting her in her own bed, and it won't be forever that you have to get up to comfort her.

 

I can almost guarantee that once you have your bed to yourself and your husband - a lot of your stress and troubles are going to go away & you aren't going to be calling him selfish.


  by spaznskitz
Posted on 4/24/2008 4:33 AM

1


Kadi -

I was about to go to bed but I feel compelled to stay up and post to you, even if it means I'm a bit bleary eyed tomorrow.

I'm married, 18+ years in fact, I am on this site because I normally answer in a legal capacity (I'm a family law attorney) but I also have 5 children - so I think I can help you out a bit here...

I compare sleeping husbands to hybernating bears. If you wake them up, they are grumpy and unreasonable. You can't have a loving caring conversation with a bear. You can't expect a bear to be thinking of anything else except when he's going to be able to put his head back on the pillow.

He was being loving to you - he offered for you to stay. His request to leave the sleeping child where she was was not unreasonable. You could have laid with him a while until you felt better and gone back to the child as a compromise had you thought about it.

The fact you two disagree on parenting is not reason to think he doesn't love you.

 

Kadi - having the child in bed with you has to stop. It is negatively affecting your marriage. How are you two supposed to come to any sort of intimacy with a child who is almost 2 drooling between you - you have let it affect your marriage to the point you two sleep in seperate rooms!

Most children, by 19 months, sleep perfectly fine through the night. The problem you have is self created. What you are doing is actually not very good for your daughter either - she has to learn to sleep on her own. She actually probably does know how - I'm sure she takes her daily nap just fine all on her own. She is manipulating you at night.

Yes, it's going to be tough to see her upset about sleeping in her own bed - but it is going to hurt you more that it hurts her. Haven't you ever watched Supernanny - or Nanny911 (I don't think that one airs anymore) On almost every show she has to instruct the parents how to get the child to bed, and to stay in it.

running out of room - next post....

 

 


  by spaznskitz
Posted on 4/24/2008 4:23 AM

2







Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.

 

divorce360 Community::

popular journals

Ricki Lake On Divorce
Ricki Lake appeared on this morning's episode of The View, plugging her new...read more 

SO HURT
WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST A YEAR, ALTHOUGH WE HAD BEEN DATING 7 YEARS...read more 

Master Manipulator
...I thought I could spot one of "his plans" to get me to think or do what it...read more 

get/give advice

My wife cheated, what now?
Sorry this is so long: I found out about a month ago thanks to an email...Read Answers/share yours 

Am I unreasonable and will I lose everything?
My spouse had it made...He had a servant, a maid and a friend. I don't feel...Read Answers/share yours 

will my boys despise me for giving up
My wife filed for a seperation 4 months ago. This devestated me and I have...Read Answers/share yours 

expert Q&As

Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?...read more 

Stress Relief: Tips to Help after Separation
Mental Health: Overwhelmed by Changes in Household Routine. What Should I do?...read more 

About Law: Do Divorce Kits Work?
Legal: What You Should Consider When You Think About Divorcing Using a Kit...read more 

expand information center
ADVERTISING PARTNERS


divorce360 most popular ::
1. Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?

2. Should You Tell Your Spouse?
UF Study Shows that Therapists of Both Sexes Encourage Cheaters to Confess

3. Divorce-101: About Taxes
Divorce Has Obvious Tax Consequences; Filing Issues Can Crop Up Down the Road

4. What are the Signs of Infidelity?
Infidelity: Cell Phones, Text Messages and E-mail Can Help You Spot Spouse's Affair

5. Financial Tips for Women
Gather Documents and Know Assets to Keep from Losing Money in Divorce