41 Posts

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Thank you for replying to my post.  I read yours and we are a lot a like except my husband has a lot of pride and took three years to start forgiving me for my first affair and then I had another one.  I think it is his heart that I have always been longing for and I never felt like I had it and he gave his heart to his work.  My father never showed me much love growing up and I have always looked to men for love.  Dumb, I know.  I have to love myself first.  My husband is filing and maybe this will help me.  Who knows.  I am just very worried about how it is going to affect the kids.

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8 Posts

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dear unlikely,
Im afraid i dont know if i love him.
i know sex isnt love, but i dont want to be sexual with him.

maybe i do think sex equals love and that is a problem i have.  he is like a father figure to me, one ive never had  in my life.

he is my stability, because like you, i tend to want to run wild.

so my question too is is it fair to him, he says he would be lost if i leave but is it still far to him by not loving him like i should?

i did try counseling but it was too expensive.  i need to find something i can afford. thanks to all responses

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3 Posts

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I found myself in your posts.  I also have no family to lean on and my family was also disfunctional.  I am in a relationship with the father of my child and there have been many times I have wanted to run, run, run, run away.  After my son was born I was overwhelmed.  I thought, "I don't know who I am"  and "I need more time to figure myself out"  apart from him.  I was going to leave and go stay with a friend.  All situations are different.  I didn't leave because for me "going to find myself" would include drunken debauchery and lots of irresponsible behavior.  I don't think I would have fixed any of the problems that are acutally plaguing ME.  Your family has a lot to do with who you are and if, like me, your family was wishy-washy at best you may never feel totally comfortable with knowing what makes up YOU. 
The questions is...are you leaving because you really want to find yourself, which obviously you have his full support to do and that is without leaving...
or....
do you not love him?  Maybe you have never loved him and that is OK.   If you don't love him, then it really has nothing to do with finding yourself, it is admitting that you want to leave, it is...maybe...accepting that it may have been a huge mistake.  People DO NOT like to admit that something could be so wrong in their lives that they CHOOSE to do. This is where you may have to have courage.  The courage to admit your mistake, if you believe really and truly that it was one.  There is no blame in that, no shame and there are many people out there just like you.  The question is, knowing what you feel, what do you plan to do about it?

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7 Posts

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I have to agree with you need to seek someone outside the marriage and that would not judge you in anyway.  Let your husband help you get through this.  If after you talk to someone (with or without your husband joining), you feel you still need some time away you could try a long vacation by yourself or stay with a friend for a while.  As Jackson said the grass isn't alway greener on the other side.  I know first hand.  Good Luck!!  I wish you the best

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1217 Posts

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you have a man who loves you - even with your faults.

you aren't going to "find yourself" by separating. You are just going to become more lost. And although you might find out what you have, you also might end up permanently damaging it by abandoning your marriage.

You have no idea what it is to "love someone like a husband" there are no strict guidelines. Love is specific to the couple that is in it.

 

If you want to find yourself, get into therapy, and allow your husband to aid you in that journey by not leaving his side - it will bring you closer to him in the long run.

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280 Posts

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Only you know what is best for you, but I would encourage you to seek counseling - pastor, social worker, someone - it works!  
Many of us believe that the "grass-is-greener" but it usually is not!!!!
please keep us posted

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