Don't Want the Divorce but he does

From reading...it sounds like we are married to the same person. I can't believe those words are the exact same things that he told me, but he has another woman that has his life upside down. So me and the kids didn't look very exciting. Those words are all cop out ways to leave and not take responsabilty for their lives. It makes me sick to my stomach. They have mental problems. They don't see the big picture.They think divorce will make things better, but it doesn't, it makes things worse. Will he go to counseling? I tried everyhing I could. But they think they are right and You can't argue with them. VERY frustrating and hopeless. But we will heal, we will be ok, and we will be wiser. Our kids will see who the real parent is with a backbone. Be the best mom you can be. Make wonderful memories with them. I am going to be so busy with my kids this summer, it will help a lot. In the end...we will have to adjust. Make it the best you can with what you have. See the blessings you have and put your energy there. Good luck.

Sorry - but I have a lot of say - and I'm KNOWN for novels!!!  I would suggest - LIFE AFTER LOSS by ...Deits (can't think of first name).  It is a good source that was given to me to try to understand how to cope.  All the emotions you are having are normal.  Keep busy-that means you HAVE to lean on family & friends.  I'm sure you have some good ones.  Another good source was "THE SECRET" as that allowed me to have a more positive ATTITUDE.  (I got the CD so I could listen in the car.)  Yes, I have good days & bad days - but more good.  I missed quite a bit of work in Jan / Feb. I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there.  Didn't sleep for wks - I was an empty shell at work the days I was there.  I had to leave my office frequently to go cry so people wouldn't see me.  I lost 30 lbs (not that I couldn't use that help.  Someone told me:  DIVORCE DIET - highly successful but NOT recommended!!!)  I would sign my name at work with my maiden name, as I was so angry to use my married name figuring that divorce was inevitible.  The journey is hard and VERY long!!   And hopefully, you will find better days ahead although you can't see them now.  They will be there.  You won't feel as awful as you do today - but you will certainly have down days even when you have pulled yourself up.  Don't let anyone tell you to suck it up and get over it. You need time to grieve & heal. You need to feel every emotion fully that you are experiencing!!  It is important.  You can't "GET OVER IT."  Those that haven't been there won't understand.  It is easier to say than to accomplish.   When someone tells me they are going thru a difficult time - separation or divorce, I now give them a tight hug.  I know what they are feeling, when before, I'd feel sad, but didn't totally understand the pain.  Yoga is a good outlet for some 'inner peace.'   Good luck, & keep up your journal, I NEED the advice and encouragement too.  I HOPE to salvage my marriage - but it takes two!!!

bgc

OMG - it IS like reading my own story here!!!   I can truly feel your pain, anxiety, frustration & tears!!!   It is wonderful to have this support vehicle in place for those that don't have other outlets to vent or ask an opinion.  And despite those opinions you hear - you have to do what is good for you, and be true to yourself.  It really does get better, although I am CERTAIN you can't see that now.  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard those exact words - but they will ring true.  I have been in a "holding" divorce situation since just after X-mas.  And it was OUT OF THE BLUE for me!!!  Never saw it coming, never imagined I would be on these cross-roads!!   And I don't WANT to be on this road either.  My to be X moved out 2 months ago with a friend, who happens to be "female."  So that makes my anxiety even MORE difficult.  We didn't speak or run into each other for 2.5 weeks, as I told him good-bye, and good luck. One piece of advice was to not be available, and don't make it convenient.  After those 2.5 weeks, I told him to get the REST of his things out.  Stop coming by to clean gutters, shovel snow, see the dog.  (We have no kids just a dog after 26 years together).  He wants to remain friends.  After that 2.5 wk bout - the reality struck him that he missed me, he wasn't sure if this was a mistake, maybe we can talk...which I BEGGED him to do in Jan.  So I have had a SLIVER of hope, which is VERY frustrating - because he can't give me more right now!!!  But he has to do what is good for him, and it doesn't mean it is the same thing I want!  (It isn't.)  You know, they say everything happens for reason, and I believe I have learned some things about myself thru this situation.  Not that I'm happy it happened, but I am trying to learn from it.  He chose NOT to tell me that he was unhappy for a long, long time.  So there was no opportunity to try to "work things out" together since I didn't know.  And he refuses counceling....(more to come)

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain.  I know how hard it is.  How devastating.  There are so many whys and what is so bizarre is I swear your conversation sounds like one I have had.  It is like so many of us have the same scriptwriters & quite honestly that has given me such peace to know that others have been through and are surviving.  I feel better than I did three months ago and I feel better than I did yesterday.  So I know that is proof it does get better.
I will mourn his "passing" forever.  My oldest son (23) says "Mom - face it. The man you loved and the man who was my father is dead. He has become someone else and the old man isn't coming back".  That's one of the most trying things - I love the man who was my partner, lover and best friend for 27 years.  This new guy is not a peach and I wouldn't even have him as a friend.  That is where it is so hard.  I look at him and of course he looks basically the same - although he did get this really dorky "hip" haircut - but when he talks it's like who the hell are you?
Best wishes

I just can not imagine this pain lessening. It took me 10 years to get over loosing both my parents. I had to hit rock bottom before I finally realized that I can not change it and just live for the legacy that they left me. I have been in counseling before when we were seperated and those tools I still have. This is different ths time. If it sounds at all possible, during and after our separation my love had grown even stronger for him. My children feel the same way.