Now I don't know...

After spending the better part of the past month away from my husband, I have had plenty of time to think about everything that has occurred. Sure, many things like reasons and excuses don't make sense, I don't think they ever will. We have talked off and on-he doesn't like when it leads to fighting so he many times avoids the issue. This makes it seem like he expects me to "just forget about it and move on" which isn't happening. For our son, I have put on a happy face for the past 30 days and have dealt with the issues in private so that he does not see mommy sad and crying....but the pain is still very close to the surface. We went to one counseling session, but have not been to a second. Husband has asked to move back home because he feels like he is drifting further away from his family and is getting used to it..I worry that if he returns home before we get some serious help, we will only end up fighting. When we are together (him dropping off our son after a visit), my emotions are back and fourth...I want him here, I don't want him here. I can't get a grasp on what I really need to do...which direction I need to focus my energy. After thinking about all that has been revealed (mostly due to my investigation), I have a hard time getting past the online dating, meeting the women he has met, frequenting strip clubs, the emotional connections that he has built with some of the women, and of course the physical affair that he had...and ended mostly due to my insistance...not because he wanted to.
Ok...my question...and it's not that I am going to do what someone else tells me to do, but rather I will read and listen to other people's insight and personal experiences in an effort to help me get some handle on my own situation....can this marriage be saved? My family and friends are already lining up to help me sign the divorce papers but I am having a hard time making any decision...stay or go. If I go, I'll be fine...I know that...I worry that if I stay, we'll only end up having trouble later and be in the same predicament again...what to do, what to do??? In the immortal words of The Clash..."Should I stay or should I go now?"

by JHL 24 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2008 5:49 PM

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Tags: deciding , cheating spouse , help , dilemma

Answers for "Now I don't know..." (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

If you stay will you be happy is the real question? Can you trust him? And most importantly forgive him? If you can not answer honestly yes to these questions then you have your answer. How will you know he is not "cheating" again? Has he made every effort to save the marriage. It takes two and if one is the only one trying it will not work. Freinds and family might be seeing things you can't or don't want to see. Make a list. If there are more positives then negatives then try. If not cut your losses. You are not the only woman to be cheated on. But you are the only one that can decide if you can live with it. I did not take back my cheater. And I am very happy and life does go on even better than before. You must live with your decision. Sometimes after you make the decision your life will be better whichever decision you make. Follow your heart and your brain.

by lizzi08 27 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2008 10:23 PM

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Rich-We made it to one visit with a counselor but because my husband did not care for the person we saw, we did not go back. He was supposed to schedule an appointment with someone else, but only managed to schedule one for himself. My husband wants me to make a decision one way or the other...but I just can't. I can't say that it is fear or being alone or having to start over, I just can't bring myself to end my marriage...does that make sense?

by JHL 24 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2008 8:27 PM

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Well, like you stated the decision will be yours but from the tone of your writings I think you are looking to divorce him. I would seriously consider marriage counseling if you are unsure of what you want to do. You have some very serious issues to deal with before you can have a healthy productive relationship. The counseling will help you decide if there is anything left to save. Both of you have to keep going though. I don't think one visit will solve anything.

I hope for the very best for you and your son.

by RichBrewer 214 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2008 7:46 PM

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I know how you feel. Think of this, do you truely love him or is he simply a habit. I have learned that I do love my soon to be ex but not the same trusting way I did before he cheated on me. I still wonder if this is love or the fear of being alone. I would now never consider getting back together because I would rather stand on my own and not depend on someone who would throw away 30 years of loving, living and all the things married persons do for a young home wrecker.

Think over every aspect and make your decision. Friends and family mean well, but you have to live with your decision.

Good Luck, and be strong

by dumpedafter30years 66 Posts
Posted on 4/13/2008 7:44 PM

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