Never really connected to my wife in 20 years of marriage

First off, this seems like a really good site/forum. My wife wants a divorce, we are probably finalizing our decision within the next month, and the last two months have been the time of hell when she said she thought the marriage could not continue, etc. I wanted to comment because several of the messages in this thread sound like our situation from different angles. iii's post sounds like my wife could have written it, it's exactly the kind of thing she has said--that she never felt a deep connection with me, and has just been sort of pushing her feelings down all these years. I had thought that we had some problems, but no more than the average, and that things were pretty good. I always felt like talking things out was possible, but as she has put it, she has always held part of herself back from me, and looking back on the las 25 years, I realize that really she's only been about half a wife, while I have been fully invested in the relationship, and feel a little cheated, angry, etc. because of that. But I can get over it, I just have been sort of kidding myself that things were OK. The post from ConfusedNPensive struck a chord in me because it described how my wife has described me and some of the reasons that she has held back from being emotionally intimate with me--I know I'm like this: (snip) We have great times but right when I think things are a their best, he says he is unhappy.  it feels like a game at this point - keep me off kilter so I don't get too close or know too much about how he really feels.  I feel like i have to so much to give but am not allowed to - he gets upset when people do nice things for him unless it is in a certain way or certain things. (end snip) I know I am like this and want to change, but seems like that isn't enough for my wife and it's just too little too late. Anyway, this makes me realize there are people feeling almost exactly the same things as we are going through, and that helps.
GuyinTransition

Hi, I'm new to this site today on the heals of yet another arguement with my husband about how to say things, in what order to do things, and the like.  He asked for my counselor's card so we can go to counseling but reading your posts I feel very much you do JJJ.  There is something missing - a link that should be there after 22 years that isn't.  Linny, your words of encouragement have struck a cord with me.  I want very much to have that link happen but now I wonder if it can and seriously question how much longer I should work SO hard at making it happen?  We have great times but right when I think things are a their best, he says he is unhappy.  it feels like a game at this point - keep me off kilter so I don't get too close or know too much about how he really feels.  I feel like i have to so much to give but am not allowed to - he gets upset when people do nice things for him unless it is in a certain way or certain things.  I have 2 kids - 13 and 16 - and am not working right now.  I am very employable but am afraid of having the rug pulled before I can get enough money saved.  I feel so out of balance and insecure.  I hope we can work it out and get back to where we were but am starting to seriously doubt it more than I ever have.  Sorry I'm rambling.  Thank you guys for having similar problems and great advice.  You rock!

jjj - I find myself in a similar situation as yours. When I married my husband 20+ years ago, I was looking for a partner.  Someone who would always be there for me, someone I could count on.  He has travelled for work throughout our marriage. I worked as well and took the primary responsibility for raising our son, the house etc.  My husband has battled with alcholism and I worked to keep everything together.  He has been sober for 4 years which is great. But, throughout all this time, it was my job to be the stable one. Keep everything and everyone going.  Now, our son in 17 and will be going off to college soon.  There has not been any emotional or physical intimacy between my husband and me in years.  We are friends. But I want more.  My husband was shocked when I told him I was unhappy.  It took him completly by surprise. We are in counseling now.  But, I don't have much faith in it. My husband does not understand what I mean by emotional intimacy. He is happy and I feel awful that I am wrecking his happy world.  I guess my point is to just let you know that you are not alone.  I wish you the best and I hope, and I, can find what we are looking for.

You are definately not a monster or selfish. Sometimes things don't work out. Do you really feel you deserve to be unhappy the remainder of your life? I would never recommend a person stay in a marriage just because. If you don't feel it, you don't. It is far better to set yourself free than to stay in chains. I know it sounds cold but really it isn't. You must know you can't give love to someone else if you aren't feeling it for yourself and I don't think you are right now.

Speaking from experience, all the material things you buy throughout your marriage are just things. Once you get divorced you find out how UNimportant those things really are. Your happiness, joy and inner peace will be the things you will be searching for and I think you are searching now for that while trying to salvage your marriage and I do understand that but trust me, your life has to be personally fulfilling and if it is not you will only hurt yourself, your daughter and your wife by staying on board a sinking ship. Only you know what is right for you but 15 years of empty is not what I think life should be about.

So much luck to you. The doors will open if you open them. 

Thanks so much for the kind words.  I feel like such a monster, such a selfish monster, these days.  It's good to know at least one other person understands how desperately lonely a person can be in this situation.

Your post is very lovely. It really is. I do, however, agree that when you don't have "THAT" connection it feels lonely. I am sad to  say I am divorced after 25 years of marriage but now I am looking back over those 25 years and asking myself why I sacrificed the emotional, physical and spirtual connection I really really wanted, need and deserved all those years. I know at 56 years old I will probably never have that opportunity again but you know, I still want it. I know a couple who has that and they are truly truly happy together. It shows on both of their faces and in their body movements when they are around each other.
I can't tell you get a divorce but I so understand what you are feeling. You kind of get contented if you will and then you stay in that relationship which never really develops into that full connection you are looking for.
Good Luck to you and yours. I hope counseling works for the both of you and you can figure it out.
I still believe that all of us have that true soulmate who was destined to change our lives for the better everyday of our lives. Maybe we never find that person, but I believe that person exists.