Long Winded, but No Wonder I'm Confused-Any Thoughts?

I don’t even know where to begin so I’m just going to lay it all on the line so maybe I can get some closure and sense of direction…  
My heart and mind are at war right now which turns my stomach into a nauseous rough sea and I feel so lost and confused, not knowing if a decision is the right decision or a decision that is being made right.  
I betrayed my husband's trust completely when I contacted my ex boyfriend over a year ago (after absolutely no communication with him for almost 10 years), and I feel so much remorse for ruining that trust, though it seems as though the pain I feel is subsided by the fact that I was forbidden in the first place to ever speak to him again, I found out just how little trust my husband had in me from day one, and I also regained a friendship that I had long been missing. 
It was never as easy as some may think, to go to the mailbox and send a letter to my ex to finally forgive, let go and possibly become friends again, and the repercussions of that were horrible for everyone involved in many ways, though in a few ways, I would do that one act of betrayal all over again if I had the chance.  
Does that mean that I had given up on my marriage when that happened?  It is a tough question and many people, with every right, deem me as a horrible wife that gave up and betrayed her husband and family.  In my heart, there was a part of me that yes, had given up on a part of my marriage, but there were other parts of me that were still loyal and committed to my husband. 
Nobody will ever understand this because they are not me and cannot see what it is that goes through my mind, nor can they feel what it is in my heart, so all I can do is say that I had been committed even with the fact I was unhappy in my marriage previous to that fateful day (husband and I met as a 1-night stand that happened every night afterwards and he moved his stuff in after a month and we married in 18 months), though that one act of betrayal was in no way me completely giving up.  
It was only I that saw the tears and shaking hands when I put that letter in the mailbox, as I knew the act of betrayal was being set in motion because I went back on a promise of 10 years ago.  I knew what I was doing and did it deliberately for reasons that are only known to me, though if others would have truly tried to be sympathetic or empathetic, maybe they would have at least known even if they have never experienced the same emotions to fully understand it.  
The pain and guilt of that betrayal has plagued me more than anyone will ever understand, and yet I went beyond that and betrayed my husband again later.  How much of a monster could I have been?  How much could I do to ruin a relationship that had been going for 10 years?  How much did I have to endure as pain for those mistakes?  
I had to pay a lot, and yes, it was brought about by my own doing, so I cannot play a victim, nor is that my position, but it truly brought out insecurities and problems within my marriage that I realize are probably more deep-set and problematic than simply ignoring them and hope we can “agree to disagree”.  
The accusations of infidelity (me having an affair) have been long standing and always have hurt over the years, especially when I had forsaken many friendships and even family members to “stand by my man” over the years and never once had an affair. 
Those accusations hurt even more so than the physical fights between us.  He never really trusted me and it came out in many other ways than simply accusing me of having affairs more than once or twice.  
Was that the reason for my one night affair that I did have a year ago?  Heck no!  I will not blame him in the least, as it was my doing alone, and it was because I was weak when I knew better.  I gave in – it was then that I gave up in a way that cannot fully be explained.  
He says that he gave me just enough rope to hang myself because he always feared this would happen, and I proved him right.  I proved just how weak and selfish I am even though I strive to not be that type of person.  I lied to him and betrayed him even worse within a few short months than I had ever done in the entirety of our relationship. 
It is something that I still struggle with to this day because the realization of just how weak and selfish I was during those few months made me really evaluate my life and marriage, which has sent me into a truly hard decision making process in my life.  
I was selfish in many ways even outside of the act of a sexual affair because I went outside of my marriage for a friendship and it causes me great guilt – more so than I can express in words, and why my tears fall so freely some times – which makes me look back and see just how many times I did not have a friend when I needed one, whether it was within my marriage or outside.  
I had the chance after the affair to be selfish again when I found out I was pregnant, but I ended up going against my beliefs to end the pregnancy and try to save my marriage at the request of both parties.  I was given the choice of keeping the baby and being divorced or having an abortion and trying to work on the marriage.  That was a horrible experience and a part of me realized that I had been so selfish earlier that to make atonements and try to salvage what was a fairly broken relationship by that point, and prove my love, devotion and commitment to my marriage and family, I had to have an abortion.   
This was made even more difficult because I had been contemplating divorce for a while before then, even though I had never followed through with it.  These episodes were painful and brought many things to the surface, which are difficult to deal with because they bring up my bad behaviors as well as his, but I truly know that the underlying issues have been there for many years and never truly dealt with – even if only to come to a compromise of “we agree to disagree”.  
Do I love my husband?  
Resoundingly, yes, I do love him and very deeply.  The core of who he is will always be loved by me and the memories we have shared over the years has run the gamut of wonderful to painful, but it was those memories that were created by us and those that I will always cherish.  
Do I love the actions of my husband and the way I am treated in my marriage?  
No.  There are certain actions within the course of my marriage that I have tried to deal with because of the sheer fact that I took a vow of “till death do us part” so I had to deal with them, but I have ended up resenting some things over the course of taking that vow.  
Do I believe that I have been verbally abusive and even physically abusive towards my husband?  
Yes.  I have not been very nice to my husband throughout the years.  I have been downright nasty many more times than I care to admit to, let alone can count and I have probably given him many reasons to leave me because of those traits over the years.  The verbal and physical abuser was a part we both played in this relationship.  
Do I believe that we are in such a deadlock and things are so far broken that they cannot be repaired?  
Yes and No.  This one is tough and where the battle lines are drawn within me and the pain from the past seems too great for me to go on any further.   
How much are we both willing to compromise and move from our steadfast positions that we have concreted ourselves into?  
Again, a very tough question though I truly feel at this point that when I was given an ultimatum, I broke down from my core belief of never having an abortion to stay married, then it is only fair that I give an ultimatum that my husband and I go to couples counseling to work through some of our deep seated issues with our communication.  
So far, he has been completely unwilling to do that and also says that an ultimatum of divorce will only send him walking away and the vindictive words that come from his mouth during those discussions make me wonder just which suffering I want to endure more, a hurtful marriage or a bitter and nasty divorce, which is what he is promising if I file.  
I am at a point of the ultimatum, no matter how much it seems like I am forcing things down his throat regarding our marriage, but I’m in a “flight or fight” mode in regards to our marriage, and while I have been fighting for years, with mistakes on my part being made in the process, I am ready to take that flight and just walk away from the vow I took 10 years ago.  
We said “for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse” and we’ve been all of those things, though the pain of “for worse” has truly taken us both down the road of desperation and depression.  My mind, body and spirit cannot fight any longer.  
I still am not perfect, but I gave into the ultimatum to try to salvage that last little bit of hope that we could work as a team to communicate and treat each other with dignity and respect, and that my feelings of wanting to be divorced would go away.  The feelings are not going away, no matter how much it pains me, and how much I try to force myself to not feel that way.  
To him, I’m giving up on him, our marriage and our kids, and that I’ve given up long ago.  Maybe that is the truth.  I do feel that after years of not giving up and trying to break through the brick wall we had been building between us, I just cannot go on anymore.  I cannot continue to beat on that wall and force myself to be as adult and healthy as I should be when the lines of communication are so broken that I can only take so much before I get into a fighting mode.  
I have given up in many ways, just as he has given up when we try to discuss or communicate about anything.  When it becomes too painful, we both shut down and give up. 
Healing takes time, but just how much time, and after how many years of pleading and trying, only to fail on both sides will it take to be healthy and loving to each other again?  
I cannot live like this for another 30 or 40 years – until death do us part – because the ramifications for our children and the feelings we have for each other will only suffer more from that situation.  I give up because the pain is just too much. 
I do not believe in only a socio-economic marriage – I fully believe in marrying for romantic reasons and understand it takes work – but there are so many things to work on that even the romantic part of our marriage is taking a toll because of doing the hard work to make the marriage survive.  
Yet, I am still here and the battle of guilt for giving up (what is going on in my mind) and the feelings of wanting to free both of us from the unhealthy relationship (what is going on in my heart) is keeping me frozen in time.  There is never a day that this battle does not bring me to tears in one way or another.   Is the decision for filing for a divorce the right decision or is it the decision made right?   That is one I cannot answer with conviction, but I do feel that after I have put my heart and soul into trying to work on my issues by going on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor for the last 6 months, I am at the point of saying that I have done everything I can and I will feel comfortable with that when I/he/we make the final decision.  
I still have not been perfect in my ways of handling how I deal with situations with my husband, but I do know that I have done everything I have, except for severing ties with some people completely, and I have asked and pleaded for a partnership and compromise on some of our core arguments just so we have more peace than we have now in our relationship.  I have asked that if he truly believes that by me ending some of my friendships would help our marriage, then he should tell me and ask me to end the relationships, though he has not done that.  
There is so much pain in his voice when he talks to me, rightly so for many reasons, and the pain is truly felt by me, whether he believes it or not.  It pains me more than he may ever realize and a part of me knows deep down that if we could ever actually make a relationship work, we honestly have to end it and start over.  There is just too much from our past and sensitive issues that we cannot continue to try to act married and try to love each other again.  
A marriage takes work and I have worked on it, even if he doesn’t believe it right now and in the heat of an argument, but the battle between my heart and mind right now is just how much more I am willing to put into it and right now, it really is a draw because all I do is bring him pain and vice versa.  
The deadlock we are in just cannot be anymore – I gave into an ultimatum and I feel I have every right now to demand an ultimatum in return – I can only do so much and while I am still not perfect, I am exhausting myself physically and emotionally to try to fix so many things.  
There are so many other things going on in my mind, some which put him in a bad light, and some that put me in a bad light, but I cannot take all the time that it would take to write them down.  Mostly what it all boils down to is this:  
I hate myself because I have thought about a divorce for a few years now which means that I have given up on my husband, my marriage and my kids.  
I hate myself because I want to give him an ultimatum just as he gave me which means that I can be very vindictive yet I want to know that he truly wants this marriage to work by doing something he does not want to do.  
I hate myself because I want to be happy and I don’t think I can be truly happy with my husband anymore.  
I hate myself because we lost sight of what attracted us to each other except for sex, and even that has become lacking due to a few issues, mostly with me since he can be in the mood for sex all the time and feels that if we just had sex more often than things might be better.  
I am just lost and confused with divorce papers filled out but haven’t done anything with them yet in the off chance that maybe, just maybe, after so many years I’ll become the wife that he wants me to be and he will become the loving husband that I know is sitting below the surface of the bitter and resentful one I have now.  
I can only change myself and I am working to do just that…now I guess I get to wait again to see if my changes make the perfect marriage with minor arguments that couples always have, though I cannot wait too much longer for ever small imperfection on both our parts cuts away the scar tissue just too easily and the cuts go deeper…soon it will be nothing but bones for either of us…
So, how long and is this worth it anymore???