Before you decide to go down the road that I think you may be heading, let me tell you why you should not. I agree with the previous posts.. get a better counselor, spend some time alone and don’t dwell on the past. I did what you did to an extent. After a twelve year marriage and one child my husband and I split up. I was depressed and I was continuously blaming myself for the breakup. This was not healthy for me, or my daughter. My ex and I spoke a lot and we became bed buddies eventually. Thus led to us looking at getting back together all the way and I even started transfer proceedings for my daughter’s school. I didn’t have a counselor then and I should have. I love my ex dearly and anything happening to him would devastate me. That being said, loneliness, and fear is not and was not a reason for us to get back together. You want a partner who will share the joys and sorrows of you life, someone who will be there to hear about your day, someone emotionally connected to you. I was 42 when I divorced my husband, I spent a lot of wasted years trying to get everything fixed between us when I should have been focusing on me, moving on and making a healthily environment for our daughter with both of us. Remember, you need to be happy too , you matter. YOU MATTER!!!
I can't read the entire post .. but I think I've got the gist of it. "Coulda, shoulda, woulda..."
You need to be relationship-free for a while and find yourself, be whole with yourself. I feel kind of sorry for your husband, really, because you haven't been fair to him since before the wedding. Speaking from experience, it really sucks to be in love with someone who can't truly love you back, and that's what you've done to him.
Before you hurt him, or anyone else again, find a better counselor (please - "follow your heart?") and work on yourself. The best part about that plan is that YOU are the one who gets to reap the benefits of that work. Good luck.
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