Help! No sex in our Marriage.

I've been with my husband for nearly 15 years. We've been married for 9 of those years. Before we got married he had cheated on me more than a few times. Since we've been married no affairs that I'm aware of. Even though there were no affairs, he likes to look at magazines, videos and pornographic movies and pictures. He tries to hide them and thinks I won't find out. I've tried to make it easier for him to have them as long as he doesn't hide them or lie to me that he has them. If I thought it would help in our sex life, I told him that it was fine with me. He has no urge to have sex with me or even touch me. Since we've been together I have not once denied him of his pleasure. In fact, in most cases I don't even get off. My concerns were the connection the oneness of our love. I needed to feel it from him. Because he is not giving me the affection I want and need, he overcompensates by doing everything for me. He waits on me pretty much hand an foot. He has no problem doing things or giving me gifts that my cost money and time but the cheapest gift he can ever give me and would be more cherished would be of himself. So what should I do. Everyone is telling me that I should look at all he does for me instead of the sex. He is capable of having sex and seems to have no problem after the initial first time. What I mean by that is that we won't have sex for 6 months or more and then he explodes quickly the first time then fine after that. So he has no problem except that. We're fine for about a week then it's another 6 months or more. I love him but I feel like I'm begging for the attention and or being punished for something I haven't done. Please advise!!!!

by Colleen 4 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 3:39 PM

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Answers for "Help! No sex in our Marriage." (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

Colleen... let us know from time to time how things are progressing with you OK? Take care now.

by Tato 417 Posts
Posted on 3/6/2008 1:27 PM

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Your absolutely right Tato, in the end it is I who is in charge of my happiness. There have been factors in my life that has contributed to my unhappiness but in the long run I'm the one to make myself happy. No one can make me do anything unless I let them. Both you and Robert-Boyd have been very helpful. Thank you do very much. It's nice to have somewhere to vent and get advice. I'm on my way!! Let's see where it takes me. Thanks again!

by Colleen 4 Posts
Posted on 3/1/2008 9:58 PM

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Colleen, at least you are one or two steps ahead already... I agree with what you say. You will need some economical stability but don't let that be your main reason for staying... I understand you need to have a job... but something will be probably better than waiting for the good job oportunity to show... plus if you are working even in your old field... you look better for a potential employer... you will distract your mind from your worries... and you will be able to save some money and move away if that is what you decide is best for you.

It is important that you have found out a pattern in your relationship with men... not everybody does. That will allow you to start changing it. It will not be easy but identifying the problem is the first step...

Again agree with Robert-Boyd... we are here to help and give support to each other. It is not an easy decision... but you have to do what will make you happier... and remember you cannot blame others for your unhappiness... you have to blame yourself, cause at the end you are the only one that can take control of your own life.

Good luck and love.

by Tato 417 Posts
Posted on 2/29/2008 3:05 PM

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That's what I'm here for. And You are right, I don't know you, and even if I did, the "When can I find happiness" question is so difficult. I think we all have to make time to enjoy what we have, and make happiness when we can. I think you'll find it though, you just have to keep trying.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 2/28/2008 8:09 PM

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Thanks Robert-Boyd. I tried talking to him again but he refuses to talk. My next step in to figure out how I can move out and start anew. I have four kids, 2 biological and 2 adopted. The two oldest are still living with me but they are 19 and 24 year old. The other two are 10 and 11. I recently graduated from Medical Assisting College and have no employment as of yet. So I have a slight problem. I couldn't afford to live where we are now on my own. If I can't get a job in the field I went to school for I guess I'll have to go back to restaurant management. It's just so difficult with kids in the restaurant business. Not to mention I'm 45. I really wish I knew what to do. I've struggled with men all my life... step-father abused me, real father neglected me, 1st husband beat me, 2nd husband threatened to kill me with a gun, employers refusing to promote me because I was a female, my oldest blaming me for all his troubles, and my husband. When is it my time to be happy? I know, you don't know me so it's difficult to say. I guess what I really need is someone I can talk to. Thanks for the ear.

by Colleen 4 Posts
Posted on 2/28/2008 8:00 PM

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That's what we're here for colleen. Whenever you want to talk or vent, we're here. I do wish I had some quick fix for you.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 2/28/2008 6:58 PM

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Thank you, and yes I have. I've been aggressive, I've hinted, I've even taken him to the adult store and bought a few things with him. I've asked him about his fantasies and have gone so far as to tell him I would try anything he wanted if that's what it took. Still nothing. I've expressed my feelings on the neglect and each and every time he apologizes and months goes by still nothing. I know he loves me but to what extent I'm unsure. Sometimes I feel as though I need to find it elsewhere cause everything else is fine. I've never been unfaithful to him in all the years together and yet I feel that I'm the one being punished for his infidelities. I guess there is no real answer, but it's real nice to here from other gentlemen on the subject.

by Colleen 4 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 7:39 PM

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It is always difficult to say. Obviously sex is important to him otherwise he would not have the magazines, movies and other stuff. My guess is that in the movies and magazines he can live fantasies and imagine lots of possibilities that are not possible in real life sex... I have to agree with Robert-Boys that maybe you should be more aggressive in the bedroom and led him.

by Tato 417 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 4:24 PM

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Have you tried talking to him about this directly? I mean letting him know you feel neglected in the bedroom? I think sex is just as important as the other things in your relationship. Not necessarily that you have plenty of it, but that you are both satisfied with the amount you have. It's just as important as anything else he could do, if it's causing a rift. Have you tried being more aggressive? maybe he needs to be led into the bedroom. I don't know, I'm just offering what I can.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 2/27/2008 4:07 PM

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