I have to admit, when I read the subject line of your post and the first few sentences, I was expecting something totally different. You want help with "how to deal with husband's ex-wife" and you're concerned about "the way she acts toward him." I was already picturing someone who's vindictive, quarrelsome, petty, undermining ... all she's doing is keeping him informed about their daughter's milestones? I say let it go and rejoice that you've married a man who loves his daughter and wants to be involved beyond a child support check. It doesn't sound like he bad-mouths the child's mother, maintains a very civil relationship with her, and he probably appreciates the details. It's extremely alienating for both parents of very young children to feel like they've missed something (even the little things) with their child when the child is with the other parent.
So, I guess my thought is this: let it go. It sounds like you've married a good man. Don't make him feel like he has to choose, because if he does EVERYBODY will suffer, so even if you get what you want, you probably won't enjoy it.
I'm doing the math. Daughter is two, and he is already remarried.
I'm not trying to be judgmental here, but I can see why you would be concerned. You, as the new wife, sound like a rebound relationship. You both have your hands full with work and childcare. So I bet you don't spend a lot of time with each other. Do you have time for just the two of you, without either one of the kids? Without cell phones or computers or the tv? I think you two probably need to spend some quality time with each other. That would go along way to easing your fears.
Those comments you refer to as random things aren't random to a first time mom - or dad. They're important pieces of information, as least to mom, which is why she shares them with dad. Before you complain too much, you need to be grateful that you have a man who takes an active interest in his child, and it's not just about the child support check for him.
Talking to him about how you feel about this is critical. You might learn something about his ex which will help the two of you gals get along (that kindergarten graduation will be here before you know it). Your part of the conversation goes like this - "I'm feeling [whatever it is you're feeling] about the frequency of [insert child's name] mom's calls/texts to you. It seems to me that she's trying to take time from you that I feel that I [and my child - if that's the case] should be getting from you." Then add that you like the way he's interested in his child, if you are. Lay it flat out that those calls/texts multiple times a day make you feel insecure and tell him exactly what you're insecure about. If it's his level of committment to you, say so. If it's jealousy, say so. Then ask him if he thinks that the two of you can work out a way around it. You don't want to deprive him of moments in his child's life - at the same time, this is throwing a monkeywrench in your relationship with him.
I've spent a lot of time around men - they don't pick up on or take hints, which I'll bet you've been doing. Looking at it from her perspective, she might be one of those folks who ought to have a cell phone permanently implanted - I know people who text constantly. I'm someone who has a bare bones text plan - I doubt I send a text a day to anyone - you may be more like me than like her. For all you know, he may be humoring her, figuring that this is nothing to fight about - and he's using the time and energy he'd use to fight it to be with you.
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