Still unsure

I happened across this site on day and thought "how helpful it will be" when I can chat with people who are having the same problem/concerns that I have! So here I am! I have been married for 15 yrs., have one daughter she is 7. My husband is a relatively nice guy, good at his job, very easy to get along. He has caused us great financial set backs over the last 7 years. He created a huge debt w/out telling me about it and when I discovered a portion of it he didn't come clean about it all at that time. When i discovered the first portion of debt I was really hurt but trusted w/ no questions. About 2 years later I realized the full extent of this problem and things have never been the same. I have a lot of resentment and feel like he doesn't care about our future. I never want to be alone with him when my daughter is not around. I care about him but I feel like he is a roommate more than my husband. I know I am not in love w/ him anymore. In all fairness I will also add that 15 months ago I met someone at work that I have fallen in love with - totally in love. I can't believe that I have gotten myself in this mess and there is no guarantee that I would end up with my coworker as he is also married. But more than anything it has opened my eyes up to how I really feel about my husband and he doesn't deserve to be treated this way but I also deserve to find someone that makes me happy. I know so many people who aren't satisified at home but stay anyway.....why do people decide to settle for less and why can't I decide??? I am not happy w/ my husband but I could live w/ my husband and have a decent life? Decent yes. But I don't think I can really LIVE w/ him. When will this answer be clear for me???? Am I selfish in regards to my daughter? Confused....

by MM 9 Posts
Posted on 2/21/2008 9:52 AM

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Answers for "Still unsure" (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

The comments are so good to read - gives a different angle to look at things. I definitely agree with bp in regards to how horrible it is to lead a life w/ someone and know in your heart what is there or not there. A false relationship - that is so true. My confusion results from collecting much information from friends and co-workers about their relationships and many of them feel the same way I do but stay anyway. Where does it say that we have to settle for "just ok"? Don't get me wrong, I am scared of being financially dependent on myself and I know I could continue to live this way if I chose. But I don't want too. I want to have fulfillment from my relationship. I want to do things as a family. I want a more balanced life but I don't want to keep giving him chances to let me down. With the secrets he kept for many years it ruined him inside and during that time I changed alot too. I just think we are too far gone (for me) to get what I need. My spouse and I have had MANY discussions, not just fights, about what we both feel are important issues, goals, dreams and it always boils down to pretty much what I want. But that puts so much pressure on me but it shouldn't be just about me - he has a voice too. I always encourage him to use it but nothing seems that important to him. He is happy plugging through life from day to day - I am more demanding. I am a firm believer in planning and expecting great things from life. He has no passion. I want to live to the fullest, he's happy coming home everyday! I tell him all the time it would be nice if he would "engage" so to speak. Thanks guys! UGHHHHH...........

by MM 9 Posts
Posted on 2/25/2008 8:57 AM

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mm, any kind of betrayal in a relationship is difficult to deal with. What were the reasons for his accumulation of debt ? 15 years is a lot of history, love etc to throw away by having an affair. Counselling may be a way to start healing your relationship, but before you can consider that, you need to decide exactly what it is that you want from your relationship, what are your core values, are they more material or emotional. Besides the financial issue, and your emotional attachment to another man, are there any redeeming qualities within your relationship that you want see and work on, afterall you have been togther for 15 years - I know and understand the debilitating affect mistrust can have on any relationship, yet sometimes if you can find it within yourself to forgive the perpertrator something so much more beautiful can emerge - yes it means putting your self at risk of being hurt again - everytime you hold resentment within yourself towards another you are hurting yourself as well.

I am no expert but i have been married for 20 years and have had my fair share of betrayal's
love and light

by shele 5 Posts
Posted on 2/25/2008 8:13 AM

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"... life would only improve..." - It is an overwhelming feeling to realize and acknowledge that a relationship that was once the absolute most important part of your life is now an impediment to what is a perceived reality in present life status; as well as, the future that is revealed as a potential future. What is the responsibility of one spouse to another in the course of daily interactions? What is your responsibility to your own self? I was uncertain of many elements that were a part of my estranged spouse's life, she was incapable of communicating her ideals because these clashed with our concepts of our marriage and our family. She made a choice to go outside of the boundaries of our marriage and leads the life that she has chosen for her self; and, subsequently, our child is the one that is impacted the most. My estranged spouse does NOT owe me anything with the exception of the truth that is in her heart; and, if she is unable to provide this, she is not of her self as we would continue a path of disception. I would not want my life or our child's life to be based on anything less than the truth, regardless of what a sense of perception is in respects to this reality. Consideration, respect and trust help us define along with how to interact with others; and, without these fundamentals (and, yes, there are more including communication) what is the sense of sustaining a false relationship? Tell your spouse what is in your heart or the lack of what is therein... It is the right thing to do!

by bp 1239 Posts
Posted on 2/25/2008 3:33 AM

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I became a sad and very touch by still unsure. I understand completely. I know I need to leave four may happiness. I have research what should be done and thought out scernios, but can't do it. I feel like it is destory me. We live and work together. We own a business, thankfully no children. I can't take argueing and fighting anymore it is starting to effect my job. I'm not the same person and the sadness and I'm still unsure and confused because the other night. I felt really sorry for him because of his lonely life and he wants my life to by that way. I know my life would only improve and that his may only get worse. Then I felt guilty for wanting to be happy and improve. So many emotions. Very confusing and sad

by purly 2 Posts
Posted on 2/25/2008 12:37 AM

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Relationships can be so confusing. You might be surprised and possibly could re-establish that connection with your husband if there wasn't a third party. If you truly want to do what is best for your daughter, you should put a hold on the affair and you and your husband seek counciling. You need the counciling to deal with the resentment (if only for your own peace of mind) you harbour and your husband needs counciling to determine why he keeps creating these financial hardships. He also needs to come clean with all of this debt and the two of you need to rebuild trust within your marriage. Your daughter is still a child and never asked for any of this. Only when you make a valid attempt at saving your marriage and then see that these problems still can not be corrected should you divorce. I wish you well.

by justagal 23 Posts
Posted on 2/21/2008 1:13 PM

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I am not a lawyer but a woman that went thru the process of divorce. I have realized that men really dont understand the extend of their "whitelies" what each lie does to us women.. I have also realize that if the couple does not go thru counseling both and independent.. marriage will not work because both of us are not in the same page.. You need to do a list and really thing of the pros and cons about divorcing .. its easier getting divorce than living asa divorce person.. Please really value yourself and your husband and kid.

by gela 2 Posts
Posted on 2/21/2008 1:05 PM

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I just dont' want to be intimate with him. That's it in a nutshell really. I used to constantly ask him to do things w/ me because he never did - tired of that now. He is just way too passive and it makes me feel like he doesn't really care.

by MM 9 Posts
Posted on 2/21/2008 11:19 AM

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only you know in our gut what to do here....but usually affairs are a sign of something missing in a relationship....and right now that is exciting...but both of you are married...and who knows what will happen if you both divorced...maybe it wouldn't be exciting anymore? my main question is one of your sentences "i never want to be alone with him when my daughter is not around". why is that?

by Vicki 856 Posts
Posted on 2/21/2008 10:52 AM

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