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  Posted to group - What do i do now    <<Previous    Next>>

Why can't I do it?

Please help me understand why I am so petrified to leave my husband! Our marriage has been over for so long, yet neither of us will take action.  I've been married for almost 21 years (I'm 44 years old) and he has been so disrespectful and resentful of me and our 2 kids (16 and 18 years old) for as long as I can remember.  He's called our son and daughter names, pointed a shotgun at my son to scare him because he wouldn't go to school, attacked me numerous times because of my spending his money, and has told everyone I'm crazy and I'm a shopaholic that spends all of his money.  He has also been unfaithful--I caught him in a "friendship" with a bartender at the train station and he's addicted to pornography. He tells me that I have cheated on him financially. He has had ups and downs financially, losing his job as a commodities trader/broker about 7 years ago.  He now works for a friend who has a company that searches for storm damage on homes.  There is no real paycheck anymore---he's 1099ed and draws on his commission whenever he wants.  Now, he keeps all the cash in his pocket, won't let me have anything to put in our checking account and makes me ask for money.  I do work, and he wants me to contribute to our bills but my job is part-time and my paychecks aren't that much and I feel the need to keep my paycheck for gas, food and things the kids need (he won't give them anything). If our relationship was normal I believe we should collaborate and combine our money but we are SO separate right now.  Sometimes when he's sleeping, I take money out of his pocket.  It's so pathetic.  
Recently, we took a vacation at my father's beach house.  My father paid for all of our airfares and gave us a car and I spent $500 from a tax refund while we were there and when we got home he found out and said he's done supporting me and wondered just how much I think I'm worth anyway.  Oh, and my father has helped us out incredibly over the years--paid for our vacations, down payment on our house, remodel for our kitchen, new windows, landscaping, central air, braces for both our kids, all my dental work and he even put up the money for my husband to trade when he had no job!  Yet, my husband won't recognize the contribution.  
Why the heck can't I get rid of this man?  My therapist says I'm co-dependent and that we shouldn't be discussing IF I should leave him but WHY I won't.  My friends don't call me anymore because they are so sick of my misery and complaints, yet I do NOTHING to change my situation.  I don't blame them!  I'm terrified of being alone the rest of my life!  Where would I meet anyone?  I'm not spending every weekend at bars, no that gets old.  Why is God punishing me? I'm afraid of the financial situation too because I recently found out that he has been lying on his tax return to make himself look poor on paper (from $100,000 a year to 18,000).  He tells me if we get a divorce my father has to give him the equity in the house split in half and he'll walk away with no financial support because of how poor he looks on paper and he'll come out ahead.  Can he do that? I'm so sorry for the long post, I have nobody to talk to and haven't slept in 2 days.  I've never been more depressed in my life. Any advice would be appreciated!

by laura124   16 Posts 
Posted on 4/6/2012 8:42 AM
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Answers for "Why can't I do it?"  (11) (You must be logged in to answer)

Keep it simple and just get the divorce and move on.  If your credit is ruined, file bancruptcy and be done with it.
by 315708616   19 Posts
Posted on 4/9/2012 12:08 PM

He "asked" for a divorce, tells me he is afraid of staying and not strong enough to file on his own.  It sounds like it will only be over when you say so, unless he changes his ways.  Not likely in my experience.  Next time he asks, say ok!  Then watch the reaction.  Stay strong you will be ok.  Be well.
by Jamesalone   4927 Posts
Posted on 4/8/2012 11:56 PM

Laura, are you ok? Please post a new blog - we don't get notified if a member posts to a blog or question unless we happen to see it on our page or the home page near the time that you post.


We're here for you.

by NotJulieG   3319 Posts
Posted on 4/8/2012 10:05 PM

laurie124, NotJulieG just posted on your wall and gave you a phone number. I so encourage you to read what she wrote, take her advice, and call that number. Julie is a smart woman who has helped me alot so I trust her views and advice. Given your last few sentience on your reply on here, it's very clear you are in pain and feeling alone and seeing yourself in a very bad light. It's concerning because regardless of what happened money wise or otherwise, he always had the ability to say no or adjust things for the better. Meaning that whatever happened between you two, it is [ not ] all on you nor does it make you that bad person in this at all. He had choices as much as you did so whatever happen, he contributed. I think you are being way to hard on yourself and lack the emotional support from others in your personal life. Support is a huge help in all of this and if you don't have any in your personal life, I do suggest that you call the number Julie gave you. I know, from my own experiences so I am telling you this from fact as I recovered and healed from them. Please keep posting on here, please call that number and get some in-person support, and please be nice to yourself. Very best to you.
by PHOENIX_ROAS   1052 Posts
Posted on 4/7/2012 11:37 PM

Today HE asked for a divorce.  He says he just wants peace. He said that whatever life he has left he wants to spend in peace and not with a person that hates him. (He knows I don't truly hate him) I would have never done it myself so it's probably for the best. I've been crying all day because he has been my whole life for 22 years.  He's my family.  I call him when something weird happens at work or when I'm upset about something.  I watch CSI NY with him on Friday nights and eat dinner with him.  He was there through the births of our children and when I had to have my gall bladder out or when I'm sick with the flu.  He just doesn't want to financially support me anymore.  He's going to be happier without me I know it.  All I've done was spend all his money and put him in financial ruin.  I'm sure nobody will ever want me.  And I'm sure I'll get nothing either (no support).  I actually think I'd rather be dead.
by laura124   16 Posts
Posted on 4/7/2012 2:37 PM

When a marriage ends and you let go, you end up moving onto a new, unfamiliar life with uncertainties and reinsurance. That can be very scary and overwhelming. Especially if you have been married for a long time. It's a whole new life adjustments that don't have known steps or paths. How scary can this be and how easily can it hold you back from ending a marriage that has already ended itself. It could this reason why you can do it or something else, but for me, this was an issue. Read what others wrote. They are smarter than me. Best to you.
by PHOENIX_ROAS   1052 Posts
Posted on 4/6/2012 10:57 PM

Rule #1 of divorce: Don't believe a thing your soon-to-be-ex says - unless your attorney verifies it.


Hon, my ex loved having me around as long as I took care of the kids, the house, the yard, the chores, and let him spend money any way he wanted to without cluing me in and saying that we didn't have enough money to do things that I thought needed doing - like finishing a remodeling project that had us walking on unsecured subfloor - even when his mom fell because of it, there still wasn't enough money to get it fixed. After I went back to work, there wasn't enough money to fix it.


After I stopped being the cook, maid, chaffeur, personal shopper, landscaper, etc, he still acted like there was nothing wrong - except that he wasn't getting laid enough. It wasn't the way he looked that was repulsive, it was the way he behaved.


Love is not a noun, it's a verb. it's something you do. Putting another above yourself on your priority list. Clearly, he's not done that with you or the kids.


You need to take a step back and see how awful his behavior towards you is. Would you advise a friend of yours in the same situation to stay put?


We're here for you.

by NotJulieG   3319 Posts
Posted on 4/6/2012 2:03 PM

With electronic filing, the IRS probably doesn't even have your signature on those 3 years, and possibly not your accountant either.  If you want the details you can go to the accountant.  If you want to know what was filed, you can go to irs.gov and request a transcript of your taxes for free.  (A transcript has all the numbers but it isn't formatted like a return).  A word of caution about "needing a tax audit."  If you bring in the IRS, you will have to prove that you aren't equally responsible for any unpaid taxes.  However, the threat of an audit might be useful in negotiations. 


If your parents can help you, make sure they are helping ONLY you and your kids, not him.  That is, do not let him pay off the house while your husband still owns half of it.  Much better use of their money right now to pay for a good lawyer, and possibly a forensic accountant.

by mike1493   3673 Posts
Posted on 4/6/2012 11:26 AM

Thank you guys for the feedback it means so much to have this support.  
I would never let him have this house after all the money my family has put into it.  I know I won't get that back but our mortgage isn't that much for what the house is worth.  My father has money and I don't believe he will desert me and my kids--my son has another year of high school!  He could just invest in the purchase of this house--it beats having to pay a hefty inheritance tax someday! I will still be responsible for support for my daughter at college and my son and maintaining the household expenses.  
As far as him hiding his money--I need to talk to a lawyer but I believe a tax audit may be needed.  We filed jointly but I think he's been forging my signature because I haven't been to the accountant since he started this 1099 job ( 3 years of tax returns).  I have full tax deductions on my paycheck, though.  This morning he told me I'm stealing his money and robbing him and he won't give me money for gas.  My mom is coming over to drop off gas money so I can make it to work.

"You are afraid because your husband has made you feel worthless all this time.  It is not a matter of finding a new man.  It is a matter of living in a way that you can respect yourself." ---I'm cutting this out and pasting it on my forehead....exactly what my therapist has been telling me!  Thank you for validating this!

Pray for me

by laura124   16 Posts
Posted on 4/6/2012 11:06 AM

The very first thing you have to do, is to stop believing your husband.  If he wanted a divorce, he would get one.  So, he does not want a divorce.  Therefore everything he says is to keep you from filing for divorce, or even seriously looking into it.


Don't count on you or your father getting back any of the money he has contributed.  But that house is half yours, so you do get half of the equity if he keeps the house.  That is, if you sold it, you get half of the net proceeds.  If he wants to keep it, he has to "buy you out" by giving you half of the equity.  You get an appraisal, subtract the mortgage from that, and he pays you half the difference.


Your marriage is long enough that you should qualify for alimony.  But the amount you might get is dependent on a lot of factors, especially the difference in your two incomes--and yes, unless you can prove he's earned more than he says, his recent low official income would reduce your alimony.  Child support as well, but that's only really a factor for one child for two years. 


Now ask yourself why he doesn't want a divorce, if you are "not worth much."  You work, you pay bills and buy groceries.  You cook and clean.  Etc.  It's a good deal for him.  If you get divorced, he will have to give up basically half of everything the two of you have together.  He may be good at hiding money and assets, but they can be found.


If I were you, I'd stop paying bills with your money.  Buy food for yourself and your kids.  Save the rest toward a retainer for a lawyer.  If your dad will help you with that, all the better.


You are afraid because your husband has made you feel worthless all this time.  It is not a matter of finding a new man.  It is a matter of living in a way that you can respect yourself. 

by mike1493   3673 Posts
Posted on 4/6/2012 10:41 AM

You can't do it because you're afraid. Afraid of what will happen if you leave. It's okay to be afraid, but not to keep fear from doing what you need to do. Here are a few suggestions:


Find out what the law says about divorce in your state in a marriage as long as yours. How to do it? you can follow the links on the upper right hand corner of this page to "State Laws and Calculators," or google divorce laws and the abbreviation for your state. You can also consult an attorney. Some offer a free first-time consultation. How to find an attorney? If you have an attorney who you've worked with for other things (real estate, wills, etc), ask her/him for referrals. If you're concerned about paying an attorney, I bet you anything that you're willing to lose that if your Dad had any idea of what you have been dealing with, he'd do whatever was needed to help you get out of that situation.


There's a lot of information out there for younger women with younger kids and divorce. "He's History, You're Not," by Erica Manfred is geared towards women like us - a little older. I found it really helpful.


Other books that may help are "Codependent No More" and "Why does He do That?"


If you're afraid of what he might do, use MOSAIC, a threat assessment tool by Gavin DeBecker. You can get to it through Oprah's website. If you think he might be monitoring your computer use, use a computer at a public library. If you give the tool honest information, it will give you an accurate assessment. If that scares you even more, call a women's hotline. They can help you make an escape plan, and would rather help before a crisis occurs. I didn't find out about MOSAIC until after I moved out - it helped me realize just how dangerous an environment I left.


We're here for you.


by NotJulieG   3319 Posts
Posted on 4/6/2012 9:16 AM

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