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What shall i do

Need some help and looking for advice. Recently my wife has said she wants a divorce. It kind of came out of the blue and really isn't something i had expected. I will go in to details if you want to know, but i will keep it short for now.

We have know each other for 10 years and have been married for 6 1/2 years. We have 2 kids and my wife stays at home due to the needs of our youngest one. I work full time. The last year or so has been rough, but we usually work thru it and things are better for a while.

I do admit in the past year, i haven't been the greatest husband(no i haven't cheated on her). I had slacked off with doing things around the house when i got home from work. She also said I haven't told her that i love her or how pretty she looks enough.

One night while being sick and in a lot of pain, i said some words that i should have. It was nothing against her or our kids, it was just i was real sick and said somethings. The next day she asked me to leave few a few days, so I did. She called me the next day and i could tell she was upset, sad and lonely. I told her i missed her and i was ok, and would come home when she wanted me to. So the following night she called me and wanted me to come home. So i did. She said somethings were going to have to change and things were not going to be how there where before i left. I agreed and was willing to work on our marriage. About 4 days after i got home, she got really sick for about 2 weeks and was basically unable to do anything. I went to work, came home, took care of the kids and her. Did all the cooking, cleaning and washed the clothes(something i haven't done for a while). She thanked me every night for doing all of this and she was grateful that i was home and able to do this.

Then out of the blue, she said she wants a divorce, but she still wants to live together. It kind of hit me that I have been showing her that I am able to change and make things right. We had a few rough nights and had a good talk the one night. She says she still loves me and cares for me, but she feels like she has failed and can't be in any marriage or any relationship. I told her that I still love her and care for her also. I try to tell her that I love her the same as the day I met her, but she tells me that I don't love her anymore. How does she know how i feel? I want to sit down with her and tell her that if i didn't love her, then why am i still here? If i didn't love her, would i find excuses to leave the house after the kids went to bed?

The other night we talked and she says she still loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. We also try to have 1 night out of the weekend where me, her and our kids go out to eat, go shopping, and then after the kids go to bed we watch movies together.

As of right now the situation we are in is that we are still married, living together, be we are in a way separated. She has said that we make a bad husband and wife, but we are great parents to our two kids and our kids need us both in their lives each day.

Any advice or input on the matter would be great. And like i said if anyone wants more details, i will let you know, just didn't want to put it all out there right now.

by silentbob73 4 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 7:17 PM

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Answers for "What shall i do" (12) (You must be logged in to answer)

Hi all. Just a little update. She hasn't mentioned the word divorce for a while. She hasn't said anything about me sleeping in bed with her. We have started to do more things as a family. We have also done some things recently that we did in the past and she has enjoyed it and wants to do it more often. For what she has been thru in her life, i think at times her mention of divorce was a cry for help, and things need to change. She has been going stir crazy being at home and dealing with the kids and she does need to get away at times. I do admit that when she goes out with her friends and i stay home with the kids, i get upset, but it has been putting my wife in a better mood and things between us are better. that is it for now and hopefully i can return later with more good news. Take care everyone

by silentbob73 4 Posts
Posted on 3/21/2012 6:08 PM

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I hope I do not offend you but sometimes I can a little brash and for that forgive me.

She comes across as a flake to me. I mean who the hell does she think she is?? Everybody has those times when things get slack around the house, so is the house more important to her than her marriage. My house is terrible right now as I am overwhelmed with many things.

Stepping and taking care of things after work is awesome but she needs to quit looking for excuses to end her marriage and get off her azz and look at the reasons why she needs to stay in her marriage.

I feel that something else is going on somewhere as she is so quick to say I failed in my marriage and I should not be in a marriage or a relationship...Yeah right I got that bridge you're selling.

Oh and your were sick and said something to her that hurt her wittle feelings well she needs to grow some skin and put on some big girl panties as we all hear things that upset us. To top that off she had you to leave the house over something you said who does she think she is the High Queen Mamma Jamma or something.

I feel she she causing you to walk on eggshells and that is wrong. If she wants out then get out but it is on her.

It comes to me that she is looking for excueses not to work her marriage as you all are bad husband and wife well why WORK at it if she feels like that.

I know your frustration and your pain as my flake tried the same jibberish with me several times.

by gregory1969 2000 Posts
Posted on 2/14/2012 9:08 AM

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She's really not being fair to you saying someday she will want a divorce, but likes having you home with her and the kids. Huh?

Her not wanting counseling is a huge sign that she isn't willing to work on issues. Quite frankly, I don't blame you for going into another room to sleep. She sounds like a cake eater, and you shouldn't allow her to be one.

She definitely needs counseling. If she doesn't want to go as a married couple, then you go alone. You need to figure out what you want. Sounds like she's real clear with what she wants. Peace...

by sweetpea04 2016 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2012 5:13 PM

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The reason i sleep in the other room is out of respect for her. She has asked me to and when i can, i go to the other room to sleep.

She keeps telling me that she doesn't want a divorce yet, but someday she will. We don't have the money to go thru with a formal divorce, and we don't want to get in to huge fights over who gets the kids, etc.

She tells me that she can't go a day without me or the kids in her life and i tell her the same thing.

I wonder if she is just going thru a crisis right now(i asked her and she said no).

by silentbob73 4 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2012 2:07 PM

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It is clear from your follow-up that she is not *actually* asking for a divorce. Some people say "I want a divorce" as a way to say "I'm not happy." As others have stated, if she really wants a divorce, she doesn't ask you for one, she can file for one herself.

If she says she misses sleeping with you, that is an invitation to stay in the master bedroom. So why do you continue to move into the guest room every night?

by mike1493 3231 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2012 12:09 PM

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Thank you all for your advice and suggestions.
We had talked about getting help, but she doesn't want to right now. Last night we had a talk about our future, and somethings came up. She told me that she doesn't want to be with out me, she doesn't want to lose me. She likes me coming home after work and being there with her. She likes me being there for her and the kids. She doesn't want me sleeping in our bed with her, but sometimes we fall asleep watching tv and i do fall asleep in our bed. I do stay in there with her until our kids go to bed and then until she goes to bed. Then i go to the guest room and sleep. Then the next morning she thinks that she upsetted me and that is why i left our bed to sleep elsewhere. And she tells me that she misses me sleeping beside her. I don't know what she wants anymore.
As to mike1493, I do allow her to do what she wants. She is at home all day dealing with doctors and our kids, while i am at work, so anytime she asks me if she can go out with her girlfriends for happy hour, movie night, go see a band, etc... i allow her to go. Am i jealous that she goes out without me, yes, but I do have to give her space.
Hopefully we can go to counseling at some point and work to being together. Right now, I am just taking everything one day at a time.

by silentbob73 4 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2012 9:26 AM

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It doesn't sound like you are beyond hope. Divorce is such a horrible thing...ask anyone here. If you have any kind of foundation, please try to build on it.

Counseling or Retrouvaille sounds like a good place to start. It's important that you both be willing to try. It's heartening to see that you are actively looking for help.

by Iam 5280 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 8:15 PM

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Counseling sounds like your best bet. Try everything before you call it quits.

Sometimes just having a neutral party hear the issues helps a great deal. They can bring you both to a spot where you're comfortable talking about what you each want and need.

Peace...

by sweetpea04 2016 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 6:12 PM

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It sounds like with the help of counseling, your marriage may be saved. Your wife seems confused and overwhelmed and I believe a good marriage counselor could perhaps open up the line of communication between the two of you before it slips away completely.
However, if you don't get help and just leave things the way they are now, its my opinion that it won't get any better. So, find a good marriage counselor, make an appointment and go for it!

by laura124 13 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 10:15 AM

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When things "aren't good" between a couple, and especially if there is no communication, then sometimes saying "I want a divorce" or "we don't make a good husband and wife" is a way to be heard. To say "this marriage needs work. Help me fix it or let's end it."

You think "things aren't that bad" and she thinks "things could be a lot better." And you're both right. Why should she settle for "not that bad?"

Continue to contribute around the house. Continue with your alone times together. And try to find a regular time to keep the kids at home and push her out the door to go be with other adults.

You could even make your own "coupons" for girls nights out, time together, one "no excuse" chore to be done by you on demand. Make a whole book of them and give them to her. Next Tuesday would be a good time.

Let her know that you DON'T want a divorce. That you will try to save the marriage, but if she wants a divorce then she'll have to go get one from the court.

by mike1493 3231 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 9:16 AM

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One night, a meal togother and then just hangining out watching a movie sounds so great. Sounds like the she just wants to have a family. Not a bad thing. Be well.

by Jamesalone 4869 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 10:57 PM

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Well, you can't un-ring a bell. Don't know, and don't need to know what was said, but clearly, it hit her where she lives or somehow broke the trust that the two of you had - as far as she's concerned, at least.

It can be fixed, if both of you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. Check out www.retrouvaille.org It's run by Catholics, who take marriage very seriously, but you don't have to be Catholic to participate. The marriage of a couple that I know was in really serious trouble, they went through the program, and "re-found" what it was that got them together in the first place. They did the work of owning their part of the trouble between them, and then did the harder work of finding a way to work together toward the same goal. When I moved out of my home, there were other folks who told me that Retrouvaille worked to heal their broken marriages. Retrouvaille works because folks whose marriages have been in a bad place help both of you by sharing what's worked for them, and they help/coach you through a similar process that you and your spouse both develop out of what they show you. It's like couple's therapy on steroids, with the support of a community of folks who wants to see you stay together in a healthy way. When I brought it up to my stbx, he didn't respond, and that's why I decided to proceed with the divorce.

Divorce is adversarial, by nature. Hard to live with an adversary.

We're here for you.

by JulieG 5767 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 8:03 PM

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