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Will I ever be happy again?

Please advise me as to why I would stay with a man that has been disrespectful and abusive for 20 years? What's wrong with me and what's wrong with him for not leaving? The financial responsibility scares me, so that's a factor- but my family said they would help and I'm still afraid to leave.
He has told everyone that I'm crazy and I spend all his money like an idiot. He's addicted to porn. He has called our 18 year old daughter horrible names and put her down, he has bullied our 16 year old son to the point of pointing a hunting rifle at him (no bullets) and scaring the pants off of him. About 11 years ago, I found out he had a "friendship" with this woman that sells beer at the train station. I found her number on our cell phone bill multiple times. He lied about the number at first but after I pursued, admitted who she was but swears that she was just a friend. I wasn't ready to face the truth so I gave up. It was after this incident 11 years ago that resulted in the demise of our marriage. I have never felt the same about him and can't let it go. Is that stupid? All of my friends tell me to either move on or get a divorce. My therapist thinks that I have been in an abusive marriage for so long, I must be in denial and that I'm looking for reassurance to leave this marriage.Please, someone tell me why I stay. Also, the thought of him with another woman still makes me jealous. Does that mean I still love him and should stick it out? I dream about being with someone that loves and respects me. I'm a faithful wife that doesn't drink or do drugs, I cook dinner, clean, organize the house, take care of my kids and I'm not unfortunate looking either. Yet, I feel unworthy of respectful love. I'm depressed now and basically hate my life (I've never been depressed ever).Is there hope for me? Why doesn't he just leave me? I think he's miserable too. He talks behind my back to all of his friends and tells them what a B**** I am and how I'm an idiot with his money and I let my kids get away with too much, etc. I'm so afraid that he'll find another woman behind my back again and I'll never find out. The thought of being deceived by him again makes me sick!BTW he is nice to me sometimes, usually the only nice thing he says about me is that I'm "hot" or attractive--always something to do with sexual attraction never my character. Sorry so long. I'm in need for support. He won't pay for therapy anymore and we don't have health insurance.

by laura124 13 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 8:44 AM

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Answers for "Will I ever be happy again?" (13) (You must be logged in to answer)

I'd like to add that over the years, since he's changed occupations (he used to work as a commodities trader), our marriage has improved. He spends much time at home, always checks in with me when he's out, and is very affectionate and more respectful. He's definitely not the husband I had to deal with 10 years ago. He still complains endlessly about our kids and resents them immensely but tries to help out for my sake.
The problem seems to be that the damage is done and I'm having trouble moving past the past. I'm 44 years old and know what I want and what qualities are important to me in a companion and I just don't feel it. A couple nights ago he complained that I never hug him or kiss him and I'm not affectionate anymore. He told me that the dog gets more attention than him. I don't know what to say, it makes me feel so sad and guilty.
I don't think he's happy either but everyone says that he'll never leave. I sometimes wish he made the decision to leave and I didn't have to make that call and be the bad guy. I care about people's feelings and I still have feelings for him but I'm not in love anymore. Our daughter will be going away to college next year and our son will be a senior high school. I keep on putting it off saying that after my son graduates, I'll make a decision. My son has ADHD and anxiety issues and will probably be home with us and the two of them don't get along so I'm not sure how that will go.My friends and family members have gotten so frustrated with me staying that some show little respect for me and some of my friends that I've had for many years that have seen how he has been as a husband and father have just stopped contacting me altogether. Just wondering if I'm destined for unhappiness in a mediocre relationship lacking mutual respect and common core values....Ugh

by laura124 13 Posts
Posted on 2/25/2012 10:03 AM

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Well darlin I am not about to tell you what all to do concerning your marriage as you know what steps you are going to have to take but I will say this stop allowing this man to disrespect you. Now I am going to come across strong so please forgive me as I am guilty of this as well. Allowing your husband to degrade you to others, telephone other women, make slide comments, mistreat and disrespect your kids is feeding this individual's ego.

Personally, in a loving way I'd let him know that you are through with the disrespect, you are through with the lip, you are through with the attitude and he either gets himself in gear or you are contemplating ending this fiasco of a marriage.

It is wrong for anyone to act towards their spouse but it is wrong for that spouse to lay down and allow it to happen to themselves. Marriage is work and it takes two to work it. Find you all a good counselor and start watering your grass in your marriage or get prepared to the lawn mower out. Either way you turn you definitely are going to see a change that is for sure.

by gregory1969 2000 Posts
Posted on 2/13/2012 8:28 PM

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I think you're an empty shell and need a real woman to help you through this. Have you ever considered dating another woman who understands what you've gone through?

by WomensLib 7 Posts
Posted on 2/11/2012 9:59 PM

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As far as dating and such- I wouldn't even worry about that right now. You have to heal first. It's going to take quite some time. Happiness is not the goal. And, no one can make you happy. That should come from within. Contentment with who you are is your goal.

by Dactyl 4941 Posts
Posted on 2/11/2012 9:03 PM

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Thanks everybody for the response and support. I like the person that says the answer I seek is already inside me. So true.
I'm scared, though. I'm scared of how I'm going to survive financially, I'm scared of being lonely, I'm not looking forward to being single again and going through all the dating crap, etc.
I'm pretty sure I'll walk away with no financial support due to the fact that he works for a siding and roofing company and gets a 1099. He has so many deductions since he's self-employed that on paper it looks like he makes nothing! He has resented supporting us for 20 years, I'm sure he'll find anyway he can to run away from his obligations.
Also, I'm the one with an education, I have a BA and close to a MA in psychology (I'm about 4 classes and internship away). I can't afford to go back to school because my daughter will be going away to college next year and I need to focus on paying for her education. I have also worked for my father as an apartment property manager for 9 years. It's a small complex, only 75-units and I don't get paid much but I'm thinking I may need to use that experience, along with my education, to get a better paying job. My father has told me that I could keep this job in addition to a full-time if I need to.
I'm just so depressed, it's hard to get motivated to make a change. I dream about meeting some wonderful man, like a prince on a white horse that will sweep me off my feet and love and respect me for ME and want to take care of me. And then we live happily ever after.
I can dream can't I?

by laura124 13 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 8:54 AM

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What you are feeling towards your marriage is normal. It's not good, but, it's what you have known for so long that the thought of change is painful.

When you have surgery to repair an old injury, it hurts. Your whole system is put into shock. And, some days you wonder if the physical pain is worth it all. Your body part wants to go back to what it has known for so long. And, you have to work at not letting it go back. But once it's all healed, your whole body just works better! It works the same way with emotional hurt and pain.

Hope this helps....{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}!!!!!

by Dactyl 4941 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 7:08 AM

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Please, reread your post. Now pretend it wasn't you who wrote it, but it was me. How would you respond to me, a total stranger on a discussion board?

You would tell me to get the hell out of Dodge.

The reason it's not so cut and dried for you is that women see marriage as an investment. You have invested two decades in this man. You were looking forward to retiring and grandbabies. Leaving now would mean financial and emotional upheaval. And do not underestimate it--the upheaval you experience in a bad relationship is as bad as the upheaval from a good relationship. You will mourn the dream. You will mourn your lost future. You will mourn what could have been. And that's completely normal.

Take the help your family is offering. And leave, if not for yourself, then for the safety and health of the kiddos.

by Iam 5280 Posts
Posted on 2/10/2012 6:51 AM

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You say he is nice sometimes. I tried romancing my now former wife. Us guys are just need to hear thank you. Give it a try, be well.

by Jamesalone 4869 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 11:18 PM

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You say he is nice sometimes. I tried romancing my now former wife. Us guys are just need to hear thank you. Give it a try, be well.

by Jamesalone 4869 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 11:18 PM

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Honey, I was just about where you were a few years ago. Now I know, without a doubt, that my stbx would never have the balls to end the marriage, though he thought he had a pair - as long as he treated me badly and got away with it. I left when I had the closest thing I ever want to have to a hallucination - this voice filling my head as I walked through the living room telling me that if I stayed there, I'd do something horrifically self destructive.

Get out those old Aretha Franklin records (or check them out on YouTube - they're all there) and listen to a few tracks:

"Respect"

"Chain of Fools"

"The Sisters are Doin' It for Themselves" (Duet with Annie Lennox)

They helped me.

We're here for you.

by JulieG 5767 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 7:03 PM

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First of all, men don't leave until they have something better to go to. If he's the cheating type, then if two women will put up with sharing him, that's better than having one or the other.

He may complain all the time, but that may be to control you. If he's being unhappy, and you are bending over backwards to try to make him happy, then he is controlling your whole existence.

If he is now refusing to pay for therapy, it may be because he thinks you are getting too many ideas from your therapist, about how abusive your marriage is, that your happiness matters too, radical ideas like that. He'd rather have you depressed and with low self-esteem, so you think you are lucky to have him. (You're not).

I can't tell you whether your marriage is worth saving. But if he won't actively participate in fixing the problems, if he tries to tell you that everything wrong is your fault, then it's not going to get better.

Depending on your state laws, with a 20-year marriage and no work history, you will most likely qualify for spousal support in addition to child support. The most important thing to remember is, if you are getting a divorce, don't take advice from the person you are divorcing. Get a lawyer and find out what a realistic settlement might look like.

by mike1493 3231 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 4:36 PM

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First off, I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds painful and difficult.

Sometimes when situations apply to ourselves it is hard for us to see clearly. What helps me to have better clarity is to imagine a friend stating these things to you and asking you for advice. What would you tell her? Often times it is different than what we tell ourselves. Give you self the same courtesy and advice you'd give that friend.

I wish you luck in your journey. Blessings

by Peace333 662 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 3:53 PM

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"My therapist thinks that I have been in an abusive marriage for so long, I must be in denial and that I'm looking for reassurance to leave this marriage."
That's all that needs to be said. The answers you seek are already inside you. Get strong through therapy and get out. Understand?

by WalkinTall 9 Posts
Posted on 2/9/2012 8:46 AM

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