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She Wants Divorce But Can't Afford to Move Out

She wants a divorce but I cannot financialy afford two house holds with this economy and she only has a part time job.  So I am stuck in Limbo here waiting for her to get a job , but I am stuck in Limbo here and can't seem to start to heal until she leaves.  We both have agreed to keep the kids in the area for the schools, but it may be a while before she gets a job.  How am I to handle this difficult situation.  I also think she is having an emotional affair and maybe it has also turned physical.  Knowing that kills me.  She also doesn't want the kids to know she has filed paperwork because "nothing has changed" , BUT IT HAS CHANGED.  Anyone else here have to deal with a similar situiation?

by goodguy   7 Posts 
Posted on 10/19/2011 1:43 PM
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Answers for "She Wants Divorce But Can't Afford to Move Out "  (8) (You must be logged in to answer)

The reason I suggested that you move to the spare bedroom, is that she would apparently rather sleep on the master bedroom floor than move to the spare room.  Yes, you could move all of her stuff out of the master bedroom and put a lock on the door while she is out.  That's your choice.

But I would suggest that you do one or the other.  Either you move yourself to the spare room, or you move her to the spare room.  (If your home office is in the spare room, that's another reason for you to move, and another reason she wouldn't feel like sleeping in there.)

Starting a parenting schedule does 3 things:

1) it gives you some input/control in your life.
2) it lets her know you accept the fact that the divorce is happening and you are moving forward with your life, and
3) it gives everyone a chance to get used to the "single parent" routine.
by nextime   125 Posts
Posted on 10/20/2011 12:17 PM

Excuse me - I meant to type travel a few nights a month - usually in the same week.
by goodguy   7 Posts
Posted on 10/20/2011 9:37 AM

Well according to my attourney - we each have equal rights to live in the house.  If I sold it she would be legally entitled to follow me to my new residence also.  Since there is no separation agreement in place, all we have done ( which I hate ) is tie up funds that could be used to pay bills with lawyers in their escrow accounts.  She wants this, but her attourney's advice was for her to get a job then get separation papers, th en move out .  This is so mentally taxing living with someone who doesn't love you anymore and is able to "have her cake and eat it too".  I like the idea of having separate nights at home and away with the kids though.  I do take them to Scouts on Monday and my oldest to help with an Autism group volunteer program on Thursday nights to help his guitar teacher.  I may have forgotten to mention that I work from home , only travelling a few nights a week , so I am the one that does most all of the cooking and cleaning around the house in my down time.  She works part time in a strange schedule that has her gone early , home in the afternoon, then gone for a few hours until dinner time.  That is why I feel the home should stay with me.  I am here the most hours, I have an office here and I am the only one on the loan.  The kids also feel safe here and have friends in the neighborhood.
by goodguy   7 Posts
Posted on 10/20/2011 9:35 AM

I am not sure why you should be the one to move to the spare bedroom if she is the one that wants this. Why are you assuming that you have to pay for two households?

What if you had custody and kept the house and she was able to leave and go do her thing? She is the one not working full time, she is the one that needs to figure out what she is going to do...Or do you agree that she should have custody?

My guess is she wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants her new lifestyle but she wants you to fund it. Has anything been filed?

My ex told me he wanted a divorce, that he was in love with another woman (17 years younger than him and one he ended up marrying)...but I am the one that had to file the paperwork....Just a thought...I didn't want the divorce either, but I was going to make sure my kids were going to be taken care of....
by militaryp   5614 Posts
Posted on 10/20/2011 8:10 AM

I'm in a somewhat similar situation.   I filed 8/27 and we are still living in the same house.   He didn't want to tell our 8 year old until we knew the move-out plan.  We were in separate bedrooms and I assumed she had an idea about it.   She did not.  We told her a couple weeks ago & she was sideblinded.  Telling her was one of the worst moments in my life.

Anyhow, it is very difficult to heal while co-habitating.  I understand that completely. My stbx has until 10/31 to move out and I am counting the days.  I don't necessarily want him out.   I just want to heal from this.

I would weigh the pros and cons to moving.  Does your atty. think you might have to eventually?

When I filed, a court date for temporary orders was immediately set.  It included (my) exclusive right to the house because I am the primary caregiver.  I know every state is different.   I am suprised you are indefinitely going to live in this situation.  I bet your wife has a plan.  Divorce is awful. 

by haboo   1075 Posts
Posted on 10/19/2011 11:37 PM

OK, well if you have a spare room then you can move in there if you want.  You don't have to, obviously.  But it doesn't hurt you at all with respect to your claim on the house.  And, it gives you your "own space."  Get a keyed lock for the door if it makes it feel more like it is "yours."

I can understand not telling the kids that you are getting divorced.  If your therapists agrees, fine.  But that doesn't mean you have to "pretend" that everything is great when it isn't. 

So if you move into the spare room and the kids ask why, you say, "mommy wasn't comfortable sharing the bed, so I thought this way we would both be more comfortable."  When they ask why mommy wasn't comfortable, say "I don't know, ask her."

If you and your wife haven't been getting along, then you've probably been doing a lot of separate parenting already.  That is, one or the other is with the kids, or you split the kids up for activities, or whatever.  You can expand and schedule this separate parenting as a way for the kids to get used to having only one of you at a time.  Get out of the house a few evenings a week and encourage her to do the same.  If it is "her" night with the kids, and you are at home, you can be out of the way, and vice versa.  This will reduce the stress level and let you feel more like you are moving on.  When she moves out, it won't feel so unfamiliar.
by nextime   125 Posts
Posted on 10/19/2011 4:00 PM

I have already have an attourney and he has advised me to stay in the home or risk losing everything.  He says I have to "suck it up" at this point and YES , NC does have the separate resident clause in place.  She has to move out if she wants this.  She is sleeping on the floor of our bedroom and the kids know that , even though we have a spare room.  She doesn't have any of the credit cards either at this point.  We have gone to a cash system and I am keeping watch on the account as well.  I do believe the kids should know , but it will stress them out NOT knowing when things are going to happen.  My therapist even said to hold off on telling them, but they do notice something has changed.  They are bright kids. 

Thank You for your insightful advice, I will give it some thought and run it by my therapist.  And as for having sex, that is out of the question at this point.  That stopped a long time ago. 


by goodguy   7 Posts
Posted on 10/19/2011 3:33 PM

I believe NC is one of those states where you have to be separated for a year before you can be granted a divorce.

That doesn't mean you have to wait a year to file--and it sounds like she's already done that.  I don't know if you can be "separated" in the same house, but in some cases filing counts as a start date, as long as you don't reconcile or "live as man and wife" (meaning sex) in the meanwhile.

If you are still sharing the same bed then I have a hard time saying that the one-year clock has started.  If one of you has moved out of the bedroom, then the kids are going to notice.  So "nothing has changed" is a lie.  They will also notice all the tension in the house.  They are kids, but they're not stupid.

So if you want to tell the kids, you tell her you are going to tell the kids.  That you two can do it together, or you will do it yourself.  Saturday morning is a good time to do it.  It gives the kids all weekend to process it before school, but without laying awake Friday night.

The way out of limbo is to take control of at least some aspects of the situation.  That means deciding which room you are sleeping in.  What times you will spend with the kids.  What you are going to pay for and what you are not.

Speaking of which, you need to cancel all joint credit cards, and get her off your checking account or open a new account.  You also need to talk to some attorneys.  The initial consult is often free.

Taking these steps will make it feel less like you are just waiting for her to decide what she's doing.
by nextime   125 Posts
Posted on 10/19/2011 2:50 PM

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