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  Posted to group - Should I Stay or Should I Go    <<Previous    Next>>

What do I do when my husband tells me he loves me, but he is NOT IN LOVE with me?

I am brand new to this site today.  I just happened upon it when I read an article in the paper by someone from divorce360.  I have heard those dreaded words from my husband 'I love you, but I am not in love with you.'  He tried to turn it around on me and say that I probably felt the same way.  I love my husband more than anything, although I have a funny way of showing it he says.  I do not want a divorce.  How do you make your husband fall back in love with you?  He said we need to take things a step at a time and start with just being nice to each other.  We have 2 young kids.  Needless to say, this is not what I imagined with him.  I just ordered the 5 CDs on Marriage Fitness.  I hope that is a start.  I really want to get back on track with our relationship and be emotionally connected again.  I almost feel like I am on some trial-basis with my husband.  As if one day, he will say 'ok, I love my wife again' or 'no, it's just not working out for me.'  I feel like it is unfair, like I am living in limbo.  He said that is the best answer he can give me right now-that he really doesn't know what he wants, but he does want to try and save our marriage.  He also told me 'I want to be happy.'  To me, it sounds like he is trying to let me down gently.  Am I just grasping at straws?  Is this going to turn around?  I don't want this marriage to end, but I have to wonder.  I know there has got to be others like me, that have heard those words from their spouse before.  What did you do?  Thank you for letting me share.

by bugganess   20 Posts 
Posted on 4/10/2011 2:16 PM
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Answers for "What do I do when my husband tells me he loves me, but he is NOT IN LOVE with me?"  (61) (You must be logged in to answer)




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by natemaclean   1 Post
Posted on 9/6/2014 2:03 AM
0





I heard those same words about a month ago. He even said that he only cares for me. He even went to far as to already split all the financials and the material things. I have moved out since and he no longer talks to me at all. I am grateful that we did not have kids and at least your husband is willing to work on it. Mine shut down and pushed me out of his life. Work on your marriage and pray. Good luck!
by Judeith   12 Posts
Posted on 7/9/2014 3:59 PM
0





I'm sorry you had to hear those painful words, but before you give up on your marriage I think you should give it a fighting chance. First of all, I think you need to start seeing a marriage counselor right away so they can hopefully get down to the root cause of the problem. Ask your husband what he needs to start falling back in love with you. And if he cares enough to tell you,  start trying to do those things that you feel comfortable with. Attempt small acts of kindness, bring him coffee, put notes of love in his wallet, plan date nights , etc.  watch your words. Compliment him and try not to talk aggressive or nag. I feel before you walk away your should feel like you made every attempt to salvage your marriage. Listen, people are human. They get tired, hit a slump sometimes and fall out of love and then back into love. Forget you ego, pride, etc. and fight for you love and family. I will tell u right now it will not feel fair at times and you may b the only one for a season fighting for the marriage. Accept it. Someone has to b mature enough to stand and sacrifice. Don't look for him to change, you change and leave the details to God who can heal marriages. Keep praying and hoping.
by misery000   69 Posts
Posted on 7/9/2014 7:16 AM
0





Wow... I heard the exact same thing last week. We went from that to discussing attorneys vs. mediators. I could tell. He had been distant and getting more so. I'm so sorry for you. I don't think there is a way to come back from a statement like that. To me, that is guy-speak for "I want out but I'm hoping you'll be the one to initiate the break up." Crueler words were never spoken to me by a man I spent 20 years with. YOU ARE WORTH MORE. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BEND OVER BACKWARDS TO TRY TO "REWIN" HIS HEART. give yourself more credit. Work on learning to love you again, not him. He's made up his mind IMHO.
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by abc356789   7 Posts
Posted on 10/24/2012 10:36 AM
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HEY, WAKE UP YOUR HUSBAND IS DONE.  YES HE IS A COWARD AND WON'T ADMIT IT OR HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO. 

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF IT IS OVER.  DON'T WASTE ANY MORE TIME CALL HIM ON IT AND SEE WHAT HE DOES.  IF A MAN TELLS YOU SOMETHING BELIEVE IT! DON'T THINK YOU CAN CHANGE HIS MIND.  YOUR GUY IS A BUM.

by Sophie1972   5 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2012 3:57 PM
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HEY, WAKE UP YOUR HUSBAND IS DONE.  YES HE IS A COWARD AND WON'T ADMIT IT OR HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO. 

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by Sophie1972   5 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2012 3:57 PM
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HEY, WAKE UP YOUR HUSBAND IS DONE.  YES HE IS A COWARD AND WON'T ADMIT IT OR HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO. 

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by Sophie1972   5 Posts
Posted on 9/12/2012 3:57 PM
7





HEY, WAKE UP YOUR HUSBAND IS DONE.  YES HE IS A COWARD AND WON'T ADMIT IT OR HE WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TO. 

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Hello, everyone I am brand new member of this site. my husband decided to divorce with me and I am 25weeks pregnant now. him and I are 10years old apart, he is younger than me. him and I met when he was active duty military in my country, which i am Foreign country woman. him and I met one of date site, he said hello first but when I saw him his age I couldnot say Hi, back... a couple times he tried to keep in touch and I just thought just to be friend is harmless so I said hello back and we start talked eachother. i was suprised how we could enjoyed Conversation and couldnt stop, after a few of times talking over the phone he asked me out but I was Hesitated to see him because our age apart is really bother me, in the past before I met him my relationship was all failed and all of my partner was younger than me. anyway I was Hesitationed a little while but after all i decided to see him. it was very enjoyable time... couple of time we hang out and we had spend time night. right next month I found pregnant. Of course, he was so freak out and back off. he even tried run and not see me but end up he show up and accept my pregnant it tooks over 9month,.he decided to marry to me. we didnt know enough about eachother and I got pregnant with his kid and we can stop fighthing over and over I was so emortinal plus he didnt support enough and tried look away. end up somehow, his mother got involoved and tried control situation for good. he has kid another woman from his previouse relationship and his mother also controled all over. that is what she said. we've been fight and fight but anyway we married because he got order from military to go back to own his country, and he said I dont want to happen that I can see my kid anymore so he married me, well, also he told me he love me. I was broke, he was broke and we never had time to date after I got pregnant because I lost my job by morning sickness, he was pretty law rank at that time. after 5month we married we moved in the US, we were always broke and money issue, I c                           

by Ohana   5 Posts
Posted on 6/9/2012 7:15 AM
7





On August 2nd of 2010, I too, was dealt the dreaded "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you". Nothing in my life had ever turned my life upside down more than those words. Despite a broken heart and much uncertainty, I fought through it, and worked very hard to be more the man she needed me to (her perception is reality, right?  I digress). I suggested that she owed it to me and our children to seek counseling.  She agreed, but that quickly came to an premature end due to the financial impact of many individual and couples sessions, which added strain on the marriage.  A year and nine months later, we are still married (if you can call it that), and still living under the same roof with our three children.A few weeks ago, I was having a difficult time with this, and chose to take a day off to try and clear my head.  By 9AM, I was at the peak of anxiety, and decided to confront her and demand some answers. I called her at work and asked her to please have the courage to tell me whether or not she thought we were going to fix things. She paused and said.......no.  Over the year and nine months prior, I had hope.  And was committed to, and did do everything in my power to fight for us. Our marriage really needed both parties working hard everyday to fix things. That didn't happen. In fact, I was told that she didn't think she had to change anything. It takes two. Looking back, if feels very much like the past year and nine months that I was fighting so hard for us, she was forming her exit strategy.  That hurts to the core. I feel like I have been strung along and given false hope so that she could carry out a plan that didn't include me from the beginning.  And now that I finally have a definitive answer, I am on a fast track to end our marriage.  She wants to drag it out over the summer and separate, creating a smooth transition for the kids.  Nice guilt trip, eh?  Last I checked, separation meant time apart to decide whether or not to save the marriage.
by MikePMay   3 Posts
Posted on 5/24/2012 11:25 PM
14





my heart goes out to you . im not sure how you are holding up now or what has happened since you posted but i would like to say i am new to this site. within the past week after 14 years of an amazing marraige and the one of a kind love i thought i had i just found out he recently cheated ....now oddly enough,the pain isnt from the cheating but from the words he keeps telling me......."im just not in love" "i care for you""but i just do not feel that way".........that is the pain.he hasnt felt that way in a few years(nice of him to tell me now) but he says he stayed and tried.it may only be a few days in but i would to say to you,first i wish uluck if you are still working on it.next i want to tell you how ROBBED i feel of never having a chance or a choice.and also i say to myself now & i will say to you......dont you deserve ALL of someones love?not just a part? it seems he has already disconnected and is holding on to you just in case. i do not doubt he cares for you,but as ive cried asked why to my husband,i realize im begging for his love.and also i realize.....maybe a little to late,i should really truely learn to love myself! you to are worth so much more.put the energy into YOU & loving you!
by leelo   80 Posts
Posted on 5/1/2012 4:19 PM
11





Dear, It is very likely that he is cheating as this is the common excuse they have. I've heard it before - twice. The second time I heard it I said.... are you cheating again? Of course she denied it, but I told her I knew - then she confessed. If you want him back, you will have to have patience. Cheaters are very selfish and often the cheating relationship is a more of a fantasy.... they are confused that their infatuation is real love. Most of these relationships will end weeks after a you tell him you know he is cheating because after he tells his lover, the excitement of their selfish relationship will be over. They will now have to make serious plans to be together....but they will now find that they may not have the same goalssand that will be a love buster. So patience is key for you. He will have a strong emotional connection with his lover, thus, if you want him back you should see if he has the signs of a cheater..... dressing better, new sexual habits, not wearing wedding band....just do a web search for more info. Next confront him
by robtoz   1 Post
Posted on 4/30/2012 12:54 AM
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by carol34   10 Posts
Posted on 4/16/2012 2:22 AM
1





So he loved you enough to marry you and he doesnt love you enough to make it work.

I heard that line of bull sh** once myself and low and behold here she was with another man. Dont walk on eggshells and that man needs to understand either grow a set and be a husband and love his wife and TREASURE her as he should.

I dont give a damn what the situation the circumstances LOVE is a CHOICE that we make and do each and every day. This bullsh** of I fell out or Love is a fog and it lifted that crap dont do nothing but smell for me. It is a comittment that is made to each other day in and day out. That committment is what held my parents together for 40 yrs and my grandparents for 65 yrs and life was a whole lot harder then than it is now.

I am not downing anybody for their failed marriage as mine is the tank too but I cant take chicken crap cowards who dont have the guts to look their spouse in the eye and say I am a quitter, I am a shirker who wont do what I say as my word is no good. Oh and I am a mousy coward who hasnt got the guts to take a stand and do what is best for my family rather than for myself as a self  imposed man that he is.

I am sorry for you to go through this and I know the pain is hard and at least you have the rest of the story as Paul Harvey would say....

Good Luck in these difficult days and hope it gets better soon for you

Greg
by gregory1969   2010 Posts
Posted on 2/16/2012 12:23 AM
30





40 years of marriage - I heard the same-" I want to be happy the rest of my life" "I love you but I'm not in love with you"" I'm on a new path"Is there a manual out there someplace!!!!"_______  for dummies"Fill in the blank!Careful bug - I understand you want things to be the same as it used to be  - by the sound of this - I don't think it will be.Hugs-we understand!
by halfmagic   143 Posts
Posted on 1/30/2012 8:19 PM
10





I got the same over 2 years ago.  "I love you less than I used to and I just want to be happy".  There was someone else she had been seeing and initially denied it.  Then I caught her by getting into her computer and putting 2 and 2 together.  If he is willing to work on the marriage, go to counseling.  If not, go to an attorney for a preemptive consultation to find out what you need to do to protect yourself in case he files.
Stay strong and have faith that it will all work out as it is supposed to be!
by RDC   93 Posts
Posted on 1/30/2012 8:00 PM
6





I too heard those words and stayed in denial. I was willing to try everything he wasn't. Still denial. It wasn't until I found out he was seeing someone else (and not from him) that I knew it was over....and yet even then I tried everything...Denial is a SOB. So, here I am  over three years later and angry that I didn't leave when I FIRST heard those words. We woman want to fix fix and fix everything. We know we can make it better we know we can make everything all right again....but we seem to forget that we have no control (no matter how hard we try to fix it) over the other person. They are who they are, they feel the way they feel and say what they say. The old saying holds true here, "actions speak louder than words"... I think he has shown through actions and words what his intentions are!
by baddlizz   360 Posts
Posted on 10/26/2011 2:57 PM
18





The fact that he wants to work on the marriage is a good sign.  He might just be depressed, not thinking clearly, having a midlife crisis.  I'm on the fence about divorce.  Normally I would be strong and say "move on and find someone who does love you" but divorce is not fun and not every phase of marriage is, I assume, feeling all "in love".  If there is not violence, abuse, there is space to work things out.
by pd3533   9 Posts
Posted on 10/6/2011 3:26 PM
6





Do what you feels right....and stick to it.
by nbaume   141 Posts
Posted on 9/25/2011 10:29 PM
0





Please wait for any comments to this post before acting on it, because I really stunk at my own marriage/divorce, but here is what I would do.  Cut him off in every way you can think of.  It will be difficult and painful but better to tell him "I don't want to be married to someone that isn't absolutely sure he wants to be married to me, call you lawyer and pack your things"  Don't sign yourself up to walk on eggshells and be stressed out day after day wondering.  He's not going to figure out if he really wants you until you love yourself enough to kick his ass to the curb.  He a child that wants what he cannot have, and then drops it once he has it.   Tell him you want a man, not an infant and if he thinks HE has a chance of keeping YOU, after hurting you like he has, he'd better step up! 

Telling him to get out will be difficult, but is the only way I believe will show him what a mistake he made. 

Good luck to you, we all love you and wish you the best!!!!

Paul
by pbiener   1 Post
Posted on 9/13/2011 1:15 PM
30







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