Should I stay

I've appreciated what you have written because it has made me evaluate this friendship.  I haven't been offended or felt as if you have intruded upon me and know that I can be naive when it comes to relationships.  I should accept constructive criticism in order to improve myself as a person.  Otherwise, mistakes continue to be made and become nothing more than mere habits.  I wish you well with your future and in developing those friendships with women and believe that you will find this being a "man of said character" that you seem to possess.  After all, isn't that where a meaningful relationship begins...by not being in constant search for someone but by actually getting to know a person and falling in love with who they truly are...their values, goals, character?  Too many lose perspective of what is important and tend to be too preoccupied with searching for the wrong thing leaving them feeling unfulfilled. 

"... misrespresenting ourselves..." - No, I do not see either of you in this way. I am not able to shed any light or insight on what your friendship represents to either of you, as you very well know of your circumstances and the current status of my marriage. What I asked was a matter of thought only and really does not represent anything beyond an interest in ideas and dialog; and, at the same time, I certainly would not wish to intrude on you in a negative way. Yes, men and women can be friends; and, of course, the dynamics of this vary on the participants and their own self-awareness. Personally, I miss having female friendship and look forward to this in my future; and, as for making the wrong choices, hopefully we continue to learn from our mistakes. Enjoy your friends, as you know best, they are lucky to count you as one.

While I agree you made a valid point in relationships I also know male and female friendships do exist.  Maybe I'm not being honest with him and should.  This would be the test of a true friendship, including character, involving trust if I did speak with him more openly.  This may change the course of our friendship which may become strained for awhile to give him time to deal with the situation, but I also believe that the friendship would remain regardless because he's just a friendly type guy who is friends with everyone.  Am I being naive in this assumption?  If I'm wrong, then he isn't a man of character that I would associate myself with and I am better off without his friendship.  This would also prove that I still tend to make wrong choices in men and may need to resort to a lifetime of loneliness when it comes to male companionship unless I can change this behavior.  Thinking that I would never be interested in him romantically and all the while knowing "never say never" and that "friendships" can catch you off guard while escalating to a more intimate level.  I have been honest in telling him that the two of us will never be but he could also be perceiving this as a "because she's married".   I do consider him a friend and would never want to hurt or mislead him.  So you see us both as misrespresenting ourselves and that I'm misleading him?  Oh, and by the way, I would never involve a third party to complicate matters in my marriage.  He has had absolutely no impact on my decisions regarding my marriage.  I realize this is something that I need to do alone and stand on my own two feet.

"...play head games..." - There is somewhere that I want to go here regarding "head games" ("mind games") but the problem is that it unfolds into a definitive question of rules and perception of these rules for the purpose of what a person is attempting to lure out of another individual. I am not placing any judgment on what has been posted but I am interested in dialog regarding something that you did write regarding your need for "a friend and not a lover at this moment in my life". This "friend" is there in respects to your needs from him as a prospective friend. He, in turn, is able to promote his "self" to you as a caring individual of the person that you project with restraint knowing that his role is more immediate as a friend and not a lover; and, yet, would he really stay as a friend if he were relegated this as his sole role in your relationship? Is he biding his time for the right opportunity at the prospect of being a lover? Is he capable of the role as friend even if you do decide that you are ready for a lover but choose someone else; and, yet, he will now need to maintain the status as friend. The dynamics of relationships, friendships and romance intrigue me at various levels. The only reason that I raise this in a "scratch the surface" manner is that too much information can remove the prospect of a more intense relationship; and, at the same time, knowing that other selective information can dramatically change the course of a relationship, is it honest to yourself and the other party to keep this guarded? I certainly do not have the answer but it does seem to be a “game” called courtship; and, as all things related to our perspective, it falls into the category of our “minds” eye. Any thoughts on this including me being full of B---S--- are welcome.

I realize this is not a healthy or normal relationship but this is also something a person can not understand or relate to unless they themselves have been in this situation.  The abuser has a way of turning things around to make you feel guilty and that you are the one at fault.    I have a male friend whom I have never confided anything to pertaining to my marital problems because I know that he is interested in me romantically.  He made the statement just the other day that my husband should accept me for who I am.  I need a friend and not a lover at this moment in my life so I try not to divulge too much information to him.  I am currently becoming a stronger and more emotionally independent individual and have come to the conclusion that "dear hubby" has done nothing more than play head games with me over the years.  (I just wish I had not been so stupid and realized it sooner) These changes in me are something that is gradual and not something than can be accomplished overnight or with an involvement with another romantic interest.  I intend to thoroughly think things through so that I make better decisions at this point forward so that my next relationship will be a healthy one. 

First off I don't understand why someone would stay with anyone after they have been abusive either physically or emotionally . That's NOT how you show Love to anyone.Even one time is TOO many times.I was married for 20 yrs. and never put a hand on her and would never do that to a woman.There's a lot of people in this world that will treat you the way you should be treated without all of that going on.Life's too short to be in a relationship like that if you ask me.
Alan

"...good in everyone..." - I know that my estranged spouse has a good and wonderful heart. Furthermore, I know that she is capable of extending many acts of good to others; and, yet, somehow she is caught up in a part in her life that her immediate family members are unable to understand or appreciate. They express themselves to me in various ways hoping that I will not file papers and wish me to hold her as my spouse; and, unfortunately for those that do care, she is the one that has driven the course of her confusion towards this path of divorce. She wants out and I realize that this is what she wants regardless of what anyone else desires for her, our daughter or I. Reality can hurt those that are unwilling to accept it. I embrace life with a full heart these days because I enjoy too many aspects of my life not to desire moving forward. I do not have a single woman in my life right now at this instance that has a romantic notion of being with me, including my spouse that as recent as one week ago stated that she could fall in love with me once again. And, yet, I will not rush this process because I know that it will happen in subtle ways without being forced or premeditated. And, I am also aware that what I hold in my heart for my spouse is true, it just does not seem to be forever. It is ironic at how we can embrace an idea that is not of our own and carry it forward so that others of lesser resolve can easily cast a shadow of doubt on our own beliefs. I will always remember that my spouse once spoke to me that she needed to follow her heart and I understand this more so today than one year ago; and, I do trully hope that this "friend" of hers is what she wants in her life. I, the romantic, hope that she may have found her "true love"; although, it would seem that to get to this type of love, two marriages needed to end. I know that I do not define true love in this way but I could be wrong.

Perhaps we're all romantics in that respect.  My marriage counselor said that I tend to try and find good in everyone because I believe that everyone else is the same as I.  I think that I have a lot to learn in the course of spreading my wings.  lol  As for values, so many lack these and only care about their own needs casting others aside for their own selfish desires.  I applaud you for holding these values high and standing firm for what you believe.  Your daughter is very fortunate to have a dad such as yourself.  Being a good parent is easy when you have so much love in your heart for a child.  It's very rewarding when you have always put their needs above your own and you see that love returned.  I know without a doubt that my sons would be there for me unconditionally as I always have for them.  As they say, "what goes around comes around"...this can mean bad as well as good.  I refuse to allow the experiences in my life to harden my heart because I know I still have so much to give another.  I hope to find someone one day that feels the same as I and together we can love and appreciate the simple things in life.  Someone who is searching for a relationship built on trust, honesty, and devotion and values friends and family above anything of any material value. 

"...deep and rewarding relationship..." - Yes, I agree with you whole-heartedly on this desire. The romantic in me is hopeful that I, too, will come across a woman with similar values and likes as I so that I can share life long dreams. And, in the meantime and beyond, my little one will have her dedicated father as mentor and friend fully enjoying each  and every interaction that we have with one another.

Vickie, he's done all of the above.  The jealousy, suspicion and threats are the worst along with his need to feel he's in control.  He should see that his actions actually show a lack of control.  He covers it up so well in public and appears to be an upstanding citizen in the community.

bp, I realize that he may be wanting to change to save the marriage but just as you said, the damage has been done and the only way that I can save myself is to end the marriage because of the trust issues I now have.  There is no way of knowing for certain that these changes are sincere and permanent and I feel the need to move forward in the hopes of eventually establishing a new relationship with someone else who shares the same desires as I for a deep and rewarding relationship built on love and trust.  Throughout our marriage, I have continued to forgive and allow him close to my heart and the only consistency he has shown has been attempts at destroying what we had.  Several times I gave him the opportunity for us to seek marriage counseling and he refused so at one point I was going alone.  I now know you can still love someone but there also comes a time in your life that you must have enough respect for yourself and let go.

 

I 've always enjoyed challenges in my career and know that if I apply this to my personal life with determination that I will be okay.  I'm thankful for this site and for the freedom to express my concerns and appreciate the sound advice from others.  You know that "here" you're not going at it alone.

"...next steps..." - Abuse does come in many forms, as noted by Vicki. The fact that your spouse has been "'picture perfect' husband" for the past year demonstrates a desire to change on his part; and, in this circumstance, the damage to your relationship is to the point that you are "unhappy and want out." Seek the advice of an attorney so that you can begin your exit strategy; as well as, check the resources available from Vicki's post. And, as always, realize that it takes to individuals to make a marriage succeed or fail; and, it will take a considerable amount of effort going forward once you commit to end your marriage. Beyond that, you have the rest of your life to look forward to with anticipation and joy based on how much you apply yourself to discovering the you without your spouse. Wish you well and keep this site as sounding board or whatever...

Vicki said it all...It idoesn't matter if it is rare. He should never have laid his hands on you not even once. Please don't feel guilty. I think you should leave...think about how abusive he is and you are not happy in this marrage, so try to get some help. Try contacting your local police and they should be able to give you some information on where to start.
Good Luck and be safe!

you're being abused.  you need to get out and get safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines abuse as:

• Calling bad names or putting someone down
• Shouting and cursing
• Hitting, slapping and/or pushing
• Making threats of any kind
• Jealousy and suspicion
• Keeping someone away from family and friends - isolation
• Throwing things around the house

please click on the abuse help link (in the white info box) and learn more.  you can call them and find out next steps.