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  Posted to group - Difficult Ex's    <<Previous    Next>>

EX won't leave the home

I am currently divorced and made the mistake of allowing my ex to move to the basement apartment of my mother's home. He had little income and I just couldn't throw him out on the street. He now continues to come upstairs (unwelcomed) to visit me or my mother as if he never left. He refuses to accept the divorce. PLEASE HELP - what should I do?

by Letisha   12 Posts 
Posted on 3/16/2011 4:14 PM
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Answers for "EX won't leave the home"  (12) (You must be logged in to answer)




I totally think I know how you feel. While my situation is a little different, the end result will be the same. Without me, my stbx would and will be on the street. But, as I have been learning through therapy and this site, I did not create my stbx's problems and I cannot be the one to fix them either. Both our ex's are adults who need to stand on their own two feet and find their own way in this world. You should not feel guilty over this. My ex did alot of wonderful things for my family too, but then he did a lot of things to screw me resulting in our divorce. At the end of the day we have to move on with our lives and so does he. As long as you enable him, he may never be able to do so. I wish you luck!
by momandrn22   61 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2011 10:13 PM
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Great Advice - You all are wonderful
I guess I shouldn't really be asking advice if I can't follow through.  I can't throw him out because he took care of my elderly mother (w/dementia).  I'm going to work on my "guilt" issue and hopefully try and reason with him about his moving on.  There's also that hope that he would find someone and just go on his own.  Interestingly, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would throw me out on the street in a heartbeat.  THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR HELP!
by Letisha   12 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2011 4:51 PM
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Great Advice - You all are wonderful
I guess I shouldn't really be asking advice if I can't follow through.  I can't throw him out because he took care of my elderly mother (w/dementia).  I'm going to work on my "guilt" issue and hopefully try and reason with him about his moving on.  There's also that hope that he would find someone and just go on his own.  Interestingly, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would throw me out on the street in a heartbeat.  THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR HELP!
by Letisha   12 Posts
Posted on 3/18/2011 4:51 PM
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Just ask yourself what he would do if the shoe were on the other foot...
by Peace333   666 Posts
Posted on 3/17/2011 9:43 PM
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You need to let him move out on his own.. He needs to get a 2nd job and get a place of his own... he knows how to push your buttons and you let him...He needs to learn how to be independent and you need to let him.. there is no guilt here..
by cherbear   5471 Posts
Posted on 3/17/2011 8:21 PM
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If he does not have a lease and has not paid rent, then he is simply an unwanted squatter.  You simply have him evicted.  You call the sheriff.

If he sometimes leaves the premises, you would be within your rights to change the locks while he is gone and lock him out.  Short of that, assuming the basement apartment has it's own entrance, you lock the doors of the main part of the house and don't let him in.

As to the guilt you are feeling, you need to realize that his caring for her was his contribution to the family.  Just as your contribution was to go to work and earn the money.  You don't owe him anything more--you paid him already.
by mike1493   3672 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 6:19 PM
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again, thanks for your reply..... sometimes the answer is right in front of you...... it's a matter of doing what must be done.
by Letisha   12 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 6:14 PM
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again, thanks for your reply..... sometimes the answer is right in front of you...... it's a matter of doing what must be done.
by Letisha   12 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 6:14 PM
1





1.   allowing my ex to move to the basement apartment of my mother's home. He had little income and I just couldn't throw him out on the street.

2.  i have the problem of "guilt"


Unfortunately you haven't decided to enforce the kind of boundaries that would force him to leave his situation.   He has made his decision and lives in a world of his own design.    You have a pattern of exusing his behaviour and making allowances.   Which is fine but don't expect him to go against the grain.   He doesn't have to and is not at all accustomed to doing so.   He will remain on his terms until he is forced to do otherwise.    With your compassion for his situation and your guilt, it doesn't sound like you're up to forcing him to do anything.

Don't beat yourself up.    Try and consider how "you" can change "your" situation and live around his.
by timless   1833 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 5:40 PM
1





thanks a million for your reply.  problem is that my mother has dementia and he feels he has the right to see her (because he was her caregiver for 5 years).  i have the problem of "guilt" because he did, indeed, take good care of her. (i allowed it because he was not working nor looking for work).
by Letisha   12 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 5:27 PM
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thanks a million for your reply.  problem is that my mother has dementia and he feels he has the right to see her (because he was her caregiver for 5 years).  i have the problem of "guilt" because he did, indeed, take good care of her. (i allowed it because he was not working nor looking for work).
by Letisha   12 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 5:27 PM
0





Well, your Mom is going to have to get him out of the apartment. The fact that he comes in to her living space uninvited is probably enough for her to have him evicted - but you'll have to check the laws for your community - in my state, the county courts handle this.

It's hard to see anybody out on the street. He's a grown up man, and makes his choices. There are agencies that can help him, including your state's unemployment services.

We're here for you.
by JulieG   5763 Posts
Posted on 3/16/2011 4:32 PM
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