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  Posted to group - Should I Stay or Should I Go    <<Previous    Next>>

Cheating, lazy, verbally abusive, neglectful. LONG story.

I can't believe I've been reduced to this. But, I'm hoping sharing the story will help me gain some insight on the matter(s).

 My husband and I married in 2006. He was 21, I was 19. We met in highschool. A year after we married our first son was born, and things were ok. We both had really good jobs and we took care of ourselves properly. We alternated job shifts so I could watch our son while he worked, and he could watch him while I worked.


In July of 2008, I found out that he'd been having sex with another woman. I became horribly depressed. But, I did not want divorce then for the sake of the family. But, I told him in order for me to move past it, he had to step up his game and be everything a husband and father should be. That didn't happen...


Ever since then, sex with him is the last thing I want and he gets so incredibly angry when he doesn't get sex. I can't get him to understand that I can't get turned on by him now, after he's been intimate with someone else.


In November of 2008, he lost his job because he wouldn't stop missing work. I worked for the next 6 months, from November- May, while he sat t home doing NOTHING, claiming tht nobody was hiring. He finally got a decent job in May of 2009. It was good enough to where I could stop working, because I became pregnant again and I was high-risk.


But because of us only having my income those 6 months, we were too behind on rent to catch up and we were forced to move in with my mom. He lost his new job again after that, but got another within a week. But, that job had really lousy pay- only $8.76 an hour. After 4 months of living with my mother, she knew we wouldn't have enough room at her place when our 2nd son  would arrive in March 2010. She agreed to pay our rent for a new place until we got back on our feet.


So in November 2009 we moved out of my mom's place. My husband would NOT look for a better job, and we ended up going to social services for medicaid, WiC and food stamps. I felt horrible! My father and mother never let that happen when I was growing up. They worked 2 jobs each, that's how I was raised. People should work hard and supports their families.


My husband has since then lost that job, and another. The job he has now only pays $8.00 an hour. He won't let me work, because he doesn't want to watch both of the kids. He bluntly made it clear he doesn't want to watch them. and we cant afford a sitter, and I'm against daycares of any kind, for personal reasons.


My mom still pays our rent. We're still on government assistance. I feel like COMPLETE white trash!!! And he's OK with that. His mom was a single mom who lived off the government. He thinks it's an acceptable way of life. He likes that we get food stamps. He likes that my mom pays the rent. He sees no reason to get a better job, or a second job, because everyone else helps him. He has no initiative to fix this. All he does is play Xbox.. and work his sad excuse of a job, and see his teenage nephews.


He hasnt gotten me a birthday gift since 2006. I've never seen a mothers day gift, ever. In 2010 on my birthday, he came home from work at 3pm and went straight to his Dads house. I'd just had a Csection 2 weeks before that.. I was hoping to get a night to relax. No such luck.


He talks about getting an online history degree. I doubt he will, and even if he did it wouldn't do much good.. and it would take a long time. I want change NOW.


He does nothing to help me, ever. I have to talk to him for 6 hours or more, literally, to get him to take the trash out. Most of the time, it doesn't get done. Unless I do it. Before my Dad died in 2008, he would have to come over to haul our trash away, because my husband would let it build up outside to the point where we were getting warnings from the landlord!


He tells me I'm lazy. He finds any excuse to call me stupid, or a retard. That's one I hear daily.. retard. Or bitch. And he does this infront of our kids. It breaks my heart because our 3 year old will say, "Daddy's mean..." .  He curses at our 3 year old, he doesn't call him names, but he says things like "Quit touching my f*cking laptop" or, "Shut up, I'm sick of hearing your damn mouth".


He was supposed to improve himself when I forgave him for the affair. But he's become pathetic.


He gets speeding tickets all the time. And he has a wreckless driving charge.


As of right now, the man thinks everything is ok between us. He has no clue I want out of the marriage. My therapist suggests a seperation. That's all fine with me, but I have no clue how to tell my husband. He'd be utterly shocked if I just did this out of the blue. I've tried before, and he said if I ever left, he'd kill me and the kids, or he would just refuse to step foot out the door.


I think I deserve better than this. I'm only 23, this is horrible. I'm trapped in a cage. I just don't know how to get out of this without it turning ugly. Very ugly.


How can I tell him.. how can I make him understand that he's lead us to a bad place? I need reasons to justify this, not for myself, but for him and his family (who, by the way, all have criminal records for one thing or another). I'm just really scared of the outcome if I follow through with this.



by leigh87   2 Posts 
Posted on 1/4/2011 5:59 PM
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Answers for "Cheating, lazy, verbally abusive, neglectful. LONG story."  (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

I dont think he will understand you and your pleas for understanding.  He thinks its you.  You may have to find another way.  You are already shouldering most if not all the responsibility so you just need to get on your own if mom is not an option.  His family is nuts so thats out.  You need to think about you and your kids.  Public Assistance maybe if you leave him there?  Its up to you. He will not help.  He doesnt think he needs to. good luck.
by ljpj   718 Posts
Posted on 1/6/2011 9:21 PM

the way he seem is to be a asshole. i think u would be better off on your own then with him. i dont know what state u live in but iam sure there help out there for you
by jaym812   1 Post
Posted on 1/6/2011 1:10 AM

I understand that you don't want to move again.  But you can't make him leave if his name is on the lease.

However, he is not paying the rent--your mother is.  So, perhaps you can come to an agreement with the landlord about cancelling the current lease and replacing it with one with you and your mother.  The alternative being, your mom stops paying the rent, your landlord has to have you evicted, etc.  Better for all around if you can settle it up front.

You can put it to him that way:  Your mother won't pay the rent as long as he lives there.  He can either move out or get another job to pay the rent.  Your mom can then (at the least) save up that rent money to help you both get settled later.

by jakesmom   400 Posts
Posted on 1/5/2011 5:35 PM

@lipi, My father was killed in a car crash 2 years ago. My mom is alive, but in a very similar situation. Her husband is currently having an affair and is verbally abusive to her, and she is getting ready to leave him. We've discussed moving in together, but my place is probably too small. I'd move, but we are under a lease until November and plus, I've moved 5 times since 2009 and REALLY dont feel like doing it again, for my kids sake.

I'm taking it day by day, but not for too much longer.

My husband has never laid on hand on me. And, if I gave the news of divorce, I dont think HE would be the issue, I think his family would com e after me, especially his psycho mother, who has already called me, threatening me, because a couple months ago I was angry with my husband for letting our light bill get so far behind our electricity was shut off for a week. She, like him, think hes done nothing wrong.

@seperatedinpa, I'm glad no one has thrown the idea of marriage counsiling at me. Id be very angry if they had. lol. There is no going back, Im too bitter and I dont have to energy to even attempt to save this marriage.

Another issue: we only have one vehicle. And I know he'd take it if he left. Its paid off and all in his name only. So, Id be screwed there for sure.

I just need to figure out how to talk to him and get him to go. And make him understand why. Ive had talks with him before, several times, asking him to please be a man and help our family. I feel at this point like Im waiting for something big to happen so I can feel better about making him leave. Id LOVE to find out hes been seeing another woman again. lol. I know that sounds bad. But, I'll keep thinking. Thank you all for the advice.
by leigh87   2 Posts
Posted on 1/5/2011 5:13 PM

You are being subjected to verbal abuse at the very least. I am going thru a diovorce now after 29 years of marriage and my husband was cheating too. I look back and realize all of the abusive things he said to me and my 24 year old daughter. I am convinced he is the reason she is so obsessed with her weight now. Your children do not need to be around this! It is much healthier for them to be around one stable parent than 2 parents where one is abusive to the other. They just don't need to be seeing that. Please talk to people and get out before you or your children get hurt!
by jkswife   20 Posts
Posted on 1/4/2011 10:25 PM

Okay, you need to do this like your life depends on it, because it may.

Find MOSAIC. It's a threat assessment tool by Gavin DeBecker. Oprah had him on her show, talking about it, and you can get to it through her website. It takes a while to do it, and if you have any thought that he's monitoring your computer use, go to a public library and use their computer. If you give the tool accurate information, it can give you an accurate assesment.

Call the local hotline for abused women. You're not in danger now, but you may be, and they'd much rather help you before things get into a crisis situation. Take their advice. They've helped many other women in your situation. 

We're here for you, but we can't make the call for you.
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 1/4/2011 8:59 PM

I think you are trying to find a safe way to leave this man.  You have more than enough reasons and justifications but they wont fly with him. If you feel this threatened then maybe you can call a womens shelter in your area and see if you can leave this way.  Or you can go back to your moms.  But you need to be were you feel safe and the kids do too. Run dont walk to the nearest exit!!  He is very immature and a danger to be abusive.  Let us know how you are talk to others around you.  What do your mom and dad say?
by ljpj   718 Posts
Posted on 1/4/2011 8:47 PM

Leigh, normally I try to tell someone to seek marital counseling because divorce sucks and most people who come here don't start out wanting it.  But, I read your blog, I read your story.  He's verbally abusive, he's not supporting his family, and I looked at your story and you say there but not in this blog he's threatened violence.  Please call a women's shelter ASAP, or go to your mother's house.  Whatever you have to do, get you and your kids out now before he hurts you or them.

I know you hate being on government assistance, but the purpose of the programs is to help people get a leg up.  They're not meant to be a permanent program.  After you get out of his house and into a shelter or your mom's house, look into a subsidized housing property.  It will give you your own place while you get on your feet and begin to support you and your children on your own. 

Finally, talk to legal aid about getting help in the divorce to ensure you get child support (when he's working) and your fair share of the assets.
by seperatedinpa   150 Posts
Posted on 1/4/2011 6:21 PM

You don't need to justify anything...The way he talks to your kids is awful, the way he talks to you is awful.

Does he think he is 14? He has a family. Xbox is only ok after working, paying the bills, playing with the kids, helping out around the house, and anything else that needs done...

If there is no lease, pack up you and the kids and go back to your mom. Start fresh without a weight around your neck drowning you.

If you seriously think he would hurt you or the kids, then contact an agency.

He can't hold a job and he calls you lazy? If you are worried about making it alone, it seems like you are doing it pretty much on your own now, except you have 3 kids instead of the 2 you are supposed to be raising.

Good luck and please keep us posted...
by militaryp   5614 Posts
Posted on 1/4/2011 6:10 PM

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