I can't believe I've been reduced to this. But, I'm hoping sharing the story will help me gain some insight on the matter(s).
My husband and I married in 2006. He was 21, I was 19. We met in highschool. A year after we married our first son was born, and things were ok. We both had really good jobs and we took care of ourselves properly. We alternated job shifts so I could watch our son while he worked, and he could watch him while I worked.
In July of 2008, I found out that he'd been having sex with another woman. I became horribly depressed. But, I did not want divorce then for the sake of the family. But, I told him in order for me to move past it, he had to step up his game and be everything a husband and father should be. That didn't happen...
Ever since then, sex with him is the last thing I want and he gets so incredibly angry when he doesn't get sex. I can't get him to understand that I can't get turned on by him now, after he's been intimate with someone else.
In November of 2008, he lost his job because he wouldn't stop missing work. I worked for the next 6 months, from November- May, while he sat t home doing NOTHING, claiming tht nobody was hiring. He finally got a decent job in May of 2009. It was good enough to where I could stop working, because I became pregnant again and I was high-risk.
But because of us only having my income those 6 months, we were too behind on rent to catch up and we were forced to move in with my mom. He lost his new job again after that, but got another within a week. But, that job had really lousy pay- only $8.76 an hour. After 4 months of living with my mother, she knew we wouldn't have enough room at her place when our 2nd son would arrive in March 2010. She agreed to pay our rent for a new place until we got back on our feet.
So in November 2009 we moved out of my mom's place. My husband would NOT look for a better job, and we ended up going to social services for medicaid, WiC and food stamps. I felt horrible! My father and mother never let that happen when I was growing up. They worked 2 jobs each, that's how I was raised. People should work hard and supports their families.
My husband has since then lost that job, and another. The job he has now only pays $8.00 an hour. He won't let me work, because he doesn't want to watch both of the kids. He bluntly made it clear he doesn't want to watch them. and we cant afford a sitter, and I'm against daycares of any kind, for personal reasons.
My mom still pays our rent. We're still on government assistance. I feel like COMPLETE white trash!!! And he's OK with that. His mom was a single mom who lived off the government. He thinks it's an acceptable way of life. He likes that we get food stamps. He likes that my mom pays the rent. He sees no reason to get a better job, or a second job, because everyone else helps him. He has no initiative to fix this. All he does is play Xbox.. and work his sad excuse of a job, and see his teenage nephews.
He hasnt gotten me a birthday gift since 2006. I've never seen a mothers day gift, ever. In 2010 on my birthday, he came home from work at 3pm and went straight to his Dads house. I'd just had a Csection 2 weeks before that.. I was hoping to get a night to relax. No such luck.
He talks about getting an online history degree. I doubt he will, and even if he did it wouldn't do much good.. and it would take a long time. I want change NOW.
He does nothing to help me, ever. I have to talk to him for 6 hours or more, literally, to get him to take the trash out. Most of the time, it doesn't get done. Unless I do it. Before my Dad died in 2008, he would have to come over to haul our trash away, because my husband would let it build up outside to the point where we were getting warnings from the landlord!
He tells me I'm lazy. He finds any excuse to call me stupid, or a retard. That's one I hear daily.. retard. Or bitch. And he does this infront of our kids. It breaks my heart because our 3 year old will say, "Daddy's mean..." . He curses at our 3 year old, he doesn't call him names, but he says things like "Quit touching my f*cking laptop" or, "Shut up, I'm sick of hearing your damn mouth".
He was supposed to improve himself when I forgave him for the affair. But he's become pathetic.
He gets speeding tickets all the time. And he has a wreckless driving charge.
As of right now, the man thinks everything is ok between us. He has no clue I want out of the marriage. My therapist suggests a seperation. That's all fine with me, but I have no clue how to tell my husband. He'd be utterly shocked if I just did this out of the blue. I've tried before, and he said if I ever left, he'd kill me and the kids, or he would just refuse to step foot out the door.
I think I deserve better than this. I'm only 23, this is horrible. I'm trapped in a cage. I just don't know how to get out of this without it turning ugly. Very ugly.
How can I tell him.. how can I make him understand that he's lead us to a bad place? I need reasons to justify this, not for myself, but for him and his family (who, by the way, all have criminal records for one thing or another). I'm just really scared of the outcome if I follow through with this.
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