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  Posted to group - Difficult Ex's    <<Previous    Next>>

Dealing with a vindictive ex wife

My husband and his ex have been divorced/separated for almost five years; however, she still manages to make our lives a living hell. She has never been cooperative about his two boys. We have had to go to court countless times because she was not letting him see them. But, I find that I get more mad at her horrible behavior than he does. It is causing so much trouble between us because I feel he is allowing her to run our lives and does nothing about it. How do I get him to realize that I need him to stand up for our new family?

by Ihatehisex   6 Posts 
Posted on 11/8/2010 5:07 PM
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Tags: ex wives , dealing with child custody , ex wives causing problems

Answers for "Dealing with a vindictive ex wife"  (10) (You must be logged in to answer)

I hate his ex...sounds vindictive on your part.  This is a situation only you and him can solve....and my heart goes out to the children...Good luck!!
by Joyful   2705 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2010 9:49 AM

I find it interesting that you signed on as "I hate his ex" and your title is "dealing with vindictive ex," but after you explained the situation, the actual question was about your husband--how to get him to stand up to her and defend you?

I agree with others that it should be your husband's responsibility to pick up and drop off his boys.  If he is not willing to "fight" for the time, then that is on him, not you.  If you remove yourself from the picture, you will not be abused and will not need to be defended.

The fact is, your husband doesn't want to fight with his ex.  If you want to fight in his place, he's willing to let you.  But he's not going to fight for the kids, and he's not going to fight for you.  So back yourself out of the situation and let the chips fall where they may.

by jakesmom   400 Posts
Posted on 11/9/2010 11:45 AM

Counseling could help you and your husband. You to be able to have a safe place to talk to him about this, and for him to get some ideas from someone (not you - I'm guessing that you've tried) about how to make your marriage stronger.

Stop doing the drop offs and pick ups. Yesterday. He's the father of those kids, an it's his and the ex's responsibility to arrange visitation. You sure don't need the aggravation of being in the middle of it. You're not helping him, her, or the kids by doing this. If the kids, and spending time with them, are important to him he will make the time to do it. Last, but not least, you're a grown-up, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Like being subjected to what the ex and her family dish out. 

BTW, my marriage failed because my stbx didn't "stand up" for me. 

Hope I've helped! 
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 11:48 PM

He was married to her, and knows her family...if there is anyone who knows that trying to defend himself, or anyone for that matter to them is akin to hitting his head against a brink wall...it would be him....if anything he said held any wieght whatsoever, they might still be married. So don't even ask for or expect it - it isn't going to happen...and even if it did, it wouldn't make things any better.

I think you are dealing with a case of a mother bear feeling like her ex is trying to replace her as a primary parent....you are FAR too involved in the kids' day to day lives...and I'm guessing have been since day one (or even before you were legally married) She wants her EX to be the parent - not you...and until that truly starts happening - she is going to cause you problems...

so it is time to sit down with your husband and have  serious talk about how you are going to change the family dynamic/schedules/responsibility so that HE shows up as the primary care giver of his kids - not you.

by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 8:00 PM

how is she specifically running your lives?

what consists of your "new family"?

How old are these children?

Rubbyslippers is right, if you don't get a handle on this you're going to go into crisis mode and the strain on your marriage will be great.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 6:41 PM

Couple of questions:

1.  What is the custody arrangement?
2.  Is this arrangement being followed to the letter?

My interpretation from your post:  Why are YOU the one who seems to have to be the parent in charge?  Why isn't he the one picking the kiddoes up, etc.?

Research shows that the step-parent should NOT, I repeat, NOT, be the main disciplinarian or caretaker and yet your husband seems to be the one who has foisted this off onto you.  No wonder you are resentful.  I would be if I were doing all the labor and being bossed around and belittled by his family.

Maybe I need more information, but the main reason most second marriages go into crisis is directly related to the difficulty of blending the family and the kids!

by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 6:30 PM

I do find it dispicable that her parents have involved theirselves in this also.    But, not only that.   They are calling you names in front of the kids.   The kids see that it's acceptable and can further disrespect you and disregard you.   With you taking on the responsibility of the kids also this hinder's you as a co parent.
by freedomfighter   646 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 6:14 PM

No, your not selfish. You have taken a big role in helping with the kids. And in turn you are being treated cruelly and inappropriately. I will admit guilt in that aspect also. It's not toward my ex's new love but somehow it has gotten directed at her. I feel bad for that. She does take excellant care of my children when they are with her, making sure that they are fed well and clean. She has even made sure that my kids have clothing at their home and their own space. I know that this is not my ex's doing and if it wasn't for her the kids would be going through a harder time with their father. (he never did anything for them when we were together) There is a big part of me that is grateful that she does all that she does for my children. What gets me upset is that he brings her with in his little games he plays and her children too. Making her involved. I don't know how long this situation has been going on for you. I would like to say time would make it less, but I don't know that. And can't promise you that. I will tell you that you shouldn't accept the situation as it is. And if your the one at the forefront of the battle field catching all the fire it's not fair of your husband or his ex. Your husband has to think of you and how your being treated in this situation. If he isn't trying to fix it than he has come to think of you as an easier way to deal with this. Don't let him use you in that way. Do you understand what I am saying? If I could send someone with my kids to deal with their father and his tantrums and name calling and all his games. It would be great! I would be less burdened with it. Don't become a crutch that takes the brunt of everything. Your a couple and as a dedicated wife you are trying to do your part. But, you can't sacrafice you.
by freedomfighter   646 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 6:12 PM

I guess the reason I get so upset is that most of the time, it is me who picks them up and drops them off. It is me that has to put up with her and her mother and her father. They call me names and tell the boys I don't want them around. I would just like it if he defended me just once. Am I being selfish? I am sick of this woman controlling our lives.
by Ihatehisex   6 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 5:54 PM

First I would like to say thank you for posting your situation.    I know what empathy is but have a heck of a time using it when dealing with my own problems.   Your post inspires me to look at things in a bigger picture. 
I am an Ex- wife.  My ex-husband only got visitation of the kids. My situation is most assuredly different than yours.  Marriage is hard enough sometimes without adding in a vindictive ex.   Actually to put it right,   any relationship is hard without adding in a vindictive ex.   And not to mention if innocent children are added in it makes a already bad situation worse.    Have you sat down with your husband and talked to him about her position and how you feel?   Maybe it would help if you came up with some idea's that could help the situation.   Something he had not thought off.  Regardless of what you do, know that his response is different from yours because he has dealt with this person so much already.   And maybe it is good that his response is not be as upset or angry because most likely that is what she is after.   A reaction.
by freedomfighter   646 Posts
Posted on 11/8/2010 5:44 PM

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