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My 13 Year old son wants to live with his dad and I am struggling

My 13 year old son wants to live with his dad for a while.  I am absolutely sick about the whole thing but do take resposibility for my mistakes that I have made since the divorce.  I need advice, ideas anything that would help!!


by mtgmama   5 Posts 
Posted on 10/7/2010 5:14 PM
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Answers for "My 13 Year old son wants to live with his dad and I am struggling"  (9) (You must be logged in to answer)

As a Dad myself, I just wanted to say kudos to you for considering this.  I know many moms who would not even consider letting the kids go live with their father.  I know it must be gut-wrenching, but, as you know, parenting often times involves doing things we don't like to help our kids.

Don't take this as a sign of you failing somehow.  This is actually a sign of successful parenting, in my opinion.  Your son has reached an age where he's starting to need to model positive male behavior, just as so many have previously said.  Giving him this chance would be a huge benefit to him in the long run.  I remember as a boy, I spent more time with my Mom.  As a teen, I spent more time with my Dad.  Fathers are critical in teaching a boy how to become a man, especially if that father is a good man himself. 

This does not mean that your role is no longer required.  Not at all.  It's just that both your role and your ex's role are changing now, as your son is growing.  But both roles are every bit as important as they have always been.
by Calloway   511 Posts
Posted on 10/8/2010 7:49 AM

Same-sex identification needs become very strong during the teen years. Girls want/need to be with their moms more and boys want/need to be with their dads more.

Fra is right . . . stop blaming yourself and work on righting yourself and your issues . . . definitely let it be known that you will have regular, ongoing visitation and are available during travel time. This should NOT be negotiable.

Has your son had any counseling since the divorce at all? This might help him to work through his own emotions as well.

All the best to you! {{Hugs}}

by sarthur2   860 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 8:53 PM

There is something about being a teenage boy- they just need their dads.  Don't take it personally.
by Dactyl   5834 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 8:26 PM

Good for you! AA can work wonders, and you need to be selfish now - taking care of yourself and your new sobriety. Have you taken the boy to AlAteen? It will help him as much as AA helps you. Have his Dad take him, if he lives with Dad.
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 7:13 PM

thought so, your insecurity is showing.  he's 13 years old, needs a male model, wants his father to model for him, and this threatens you....time to learn to let go, mom.

this will also give you time to concentrate on your own issues-alcoholics have severe control issues which AA does wonders for if approached in honesty.

Use the visitation time to stay focused on your son and his issues, not yours.

let the ex know you're available to fill in the gap if out of town travel becomes an issue.

your family needs your trust, not your control, that's not love, it rejects the very personhood you're trying to help shape & mold.

You'll all do fine with some help, faith and trust in each other, courtesy, respect, confidence in each other.  AA is very important to you right now, that should be your primary focus.

you don't work or try at AA, you let it happen!  The emphasis is on receiving, not performing.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 7:03 PM

I have made so many mistakes.. After the divorce I started drinking really bad and my son has had it.  I am now going to AA and working really hard on it but it is hard.  I don't want my son to grow up with an alchoholic mom but I would do and will do anything to keep him home.  I guess I am just afraid I will never get him back, although I do think kids need structure and boundries and I think he will miss that as his dad will not provide that..I am so sad, my heart is breaking.  I do agree boys need a positive role model at this age, but I feel like I lost...
by mtgmama   5 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 6:25 PM

Thanks JulieG,
Yes the father is a good dad, it is so many things.  A lot is my pride...and my mistakes that I have made and that is the reason he wants to go.  He says he wants to just try it a couple months.  The thing is his dad is ALWAYS going out of town and I am worried about the structure he will get.  AND I have always handled everything, probably a little of a control freak lol   I am not sure how to keep parenting without enabling the situation.  Do I back off and let his dad try to handle the normal day to day issues? His dad feels this is no big deal and it won't change much, I completley disagree this is a huge decision and should not be taken lightly right? Thanks for any positive advice...
by mtgmama   5 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 6:20 PM

he's a teenage boy and they like to be around other males, don't take that personal or be offended by it.

what mistakes are you talking about?  You sound like something's bothering u.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 6:19 PM

Sometimes, young men need time with a male role model. They're learning how to be men, and they want to follow an "alpha male" rather than a female. It happens. All it means is that your testosterone level isn't high enough for him. If Dad's an okay father, is agreeable, and you can work out visitation with the boy, why not?
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 10/7/2010 6:13 PM

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