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  Posted to group - Difficult Ex's    <<Previous    Next>>

How much contact from the ex is too much? We have two kids together.





*** Updated post ***

We are divorced.  Sorry to use the incorrect wording.


My ex and I have been separated for almost a year and a half.  I have two children (6 & 4) with my ex.  I am now engaged to another woman, who doesn't have any children.  My ex still contacts me on a daily basis, even though I've tried to get her to reduce it.  My fiance is having a problem with the amount of texts/emails coming from the ex.  It's starting to affect my new relationship.  I'm stuck because I want it to be amicable, but I also want her to chill out on the contact.  How do I get her to stop & how do I get my fiance to relax?



by DodgerBlu   1 Post 
Posted on 9/30/2010 12:53 PM
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Answers for "How much contact from the ex is too much? We have two kids together."  (7) (You must be logged in to answer)

I'm with sarthur on this...you former life just does not go away.  You'll always have parents, for instance...is your fiancee' expecting them to disappear, too?

Now for my take.  Your ex is overly dependent.  Stick to the decree and remain business like.  It seems to me that your ex is getting a bit of her jollies from 'over-contacting' you.  It's one thing to keep you up to date, but every day a couple of times a day is way too much.  Everyday is even too much in my department.  How about 'as needed' and more to 3-4 times a week?

Your fiancee' is getting a small taste of what she can expect when she marries a man with an ex and 2 small kids. It is NOT easy.  If she's balking now, it will only be worse once you're married.  Trust me.

You both need to discuss this seriously and honestly.  One of the main reasons second marriages with kids end up not working out is the presence of the kids and the ex. 

by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 9/30/2010 8:41 PM

Also, your kids are really young, and it honestly doesn't surprise me that your ex is looking for some daily support and advice regarding them. It'll likely happen again in their teens if you stay as involved as you should.

It definitely sounds like your fiance thinks your former life should just disappear - which it's not going to - unless you let it.
So Spaz is right, you need to elaborate more and evaluate your motives in becoming engaged again so quickly to someone who doesn't seem to understand your obligations.
by sarthur2   860 Posts
Posted on 9/30/2010 8:04 PM

In light of your update....

Ok, well, what are her communications with you about? Is she updating you daily on the child trying to keep you involved and informed?

or is she asking for your help/advice with things not related to the child?

Or is she doing a mixture of both using a the child as a segue into talking about something else...more trying to hold onto your relationship than just being a co-parent?

How you handle it depends on what exactly she is calling/emailing and texting about...so can you elaborate a bit?

(btw, you don't have to *update* your post to answer, you can just post an answer like we do with more information - kinda like an ongoing conversation)
by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 9/30/2010 7:10 PM

Transparency can help - let the fiancee see the communication. Why not? The fiancee, if you're like most folks, is going to turn into a stepmother, and should know what's going on with the kids. Some of that stuff will have an impact on her - If she's not mature enough to be able to realize that you're still the father of those kids, and have moral (time and energy) and financial responsibilities for them for as long as they're around, well, maybe marriage oughta be re-thought.
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 5:07 PM

I'm just sayin...but...

when you dive headfirst into another relationship before you are even out of the complicated first one - you can't expect smooth sailing.

Congrats on now having not one, but TWO jealous women on your hands. Not exactly the threesome most guys dream about, huh?

You can't have your cake and eat it too Dodger, how is your WIFE supposed to come to terms with being divorced and move on, when it hasn't happened yet? You do realize that legally, separations are for working on your marriage - so that means communication. Does she even know about this other woman you are now engaged to?

If you want the communication to diminish and for everyone to be able to move forward - then what is holding the actual DIVORCE up?

Your girlfriend (and I call her that because legally you can't be engaged to someone else when you are still married) needs to understand that as a father of two kids, you just might end up in daily communication with your someday ex-wife - because little kids need that much attention and especially if you are seeking joint custody. If she can't handle you having an amicable relationship with the mother of your children, then she might not be the best choice for you to marry...

Your girlfriend also needs to realize that if she does marry you, she is going to have to have contact with your at that point ex-wife as well as a step-parent. So her attitude needs an adjustment so that the future isn't a nightmare for you with cat fights between the two of them.

The well being of your children needs to come first and foremost - and if that entails regular communication with the mother...so be it.

now if the communcation is about things other than your split and how things are going to proceed the best way to get those to diminish is to get your divorce finalized and stop being her husband - then you have a valid reason to say hey, we need to move on...
by spaznskitz   11339 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 4:34 PM

Wow, only separated a year and half and you are engaged already!  I think that is the issue right there. She may be still mourning the loss of your marriage and is still trying to work through it all.  I think you should cut her some slack. Be polite and answer her questions as needed, if it doesn't ease up, then I would ask for designated times to discuss issues/concerns.  Also, your soon to be new wife needs to realize that your ex is still going to be needing to contact you regarding the kids, even if it makes her uncomfortable.
by palady   5 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 3:37 PM

When you say you have been separated for a year and a half, I'm going to assume you actually got divorced somewhere in there, otherwise you wouldn't be engaged.

There's a reason that makes a difference:  If you are still working with a temporary custody agreement, and working through a settlement, it makes sense that you might need a little more contact. 

If you have a final decree, and a set schedule for visitation, your ex should not need to contact you more than a couple times a week.  Of course, if your kids want to talk to you every night before bed, that's a separate thing.

The way to handle it is to keep the communication businesslike.  Don't respond to texts unless there is a particular, urgent question regarding the welfare of the children.  And don't answer the phone unless you are expecting your children to call.  Let her leave a message and if its urgent you call back.


As to emails, the same applies.  Only respond when necessary, and keep your replies businesslike and only about the children.


Your fiancee doesn't have kids, so it's going to be harder for her to understand that you have a co-parent in your life, for the rest of your life.  If your ex is being chatty, that's a problem, but if it's just routine info about the kids, and she's in the habit of sending a quick text to update you (so she doesn't forget) then your fiancee doesn't really have much to complain about.

by mike1493   3673 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 2:35 PM

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