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  Posted to group - Difficult Ex's    <<Previous    Next>>

Why does my ex hate me so much? I want her to remember the good, not bury it.

I saw a post like this and could'nt find it again. Forgive me if it is a common question.

1st of all. She left me. for a "friend of a friend" that used to come to our house last year for bon fires. He is/was married too at the time. He still is I believe but has his own place. Anyhow he would come over and literally go stand in a corner in my garage and lure my wife in there, and they would talk for hours privately. It's his "game". She fell for it. I even kicked him off our property once.

The man grew up in our small town. My wife and I we're very well known in this town... active, and lived in a prominent house by the beach with lots of friends. We had a nice boat and lived on the water and raised (and were continuing to raise) 3 kids that still lived at home. Being self employed we did have some rough years, but we fell on our feet always. We considered our relationship like no other... "soul mates" even had matching "soul mates" tattoos. Everyone thought including us, that we we're the perfect model couple.

We had been together for 15 years. We had a rough summer. She was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, and was also turning 40. She got through the cancer, but was never good with birthdays (midlife crisis?) Then she told me one day last September, she wanted the divorce. I tried everything. Tried to re-romance her, prove my love for her, make personal sacrifices to no avail. At this time, she had told me no other man was involved. She moved out a month later into a rental home, and I found out she was with another man because his truck was in front of her home the next morning...on her first night out of the house!

Other than a mutual friend, he has no friends, no one likes this guy. He is a known dirt ball. Has all the toys, jeep, offshore boat, harley, large truck, house on the water, golf cart and his "only" friend tells me he's in debt up the arse. He is very outwardly weak person and needs to impress people with his trophy collection, which my ex, a very beautiful woman, is now part of. This may seem a biased opinion, however he actually is a real dirt ball.

Well this all crushed me to the point of being curled up shaking on the cold wood floor daily/nightly for a very long time. I still have relapses of it from time to time. Early on she was very concerned for me. We'd talk, share e-mail links, she still cared about my well being.

Aside from a few rough spots and arguments (like when I finally confronted him in a local bar, but ended up shaking his hand vs. killing him) I have been very fair the past year. Never late on a child support payment, and even give her an extra $100 month over and above that! She does not appreciate that by the way, at all...feels it's owed.

Anyhow in the last year, the woman I and the kids knew is dead inside. She now listens to different music, dresses like a teen and lost all her friends. She only talks to me once per month, and that's to find out when the extra $100 will be available. She can't even look at me otherwise, and complains to me like it's my fault she has to work 2 jobs to keep her rental house. I told her that was her decision to leave me, I don't care if she works 10 jobs. She just is very outwardly hateful, even the kids see it.

I am over her for the most part. Just trying to deal with the loneliness as I seem to be completely un-dateable even though I am a nice looking guy.
I am in a small apartment now, with only a few things. Everything I/we had, is just a memory. I don't want her to forget.

I just want her to be nice with me. Perhaps have lunch together and talk about the kids (that was her idea last year). I don't want her to bury the past, and actually forget just how magical it truly was for 14.5 of those 15 years. The cruelty breaks my heart.

wow, sorry, longer than I thought. guess this is a vent.


by blondsided   19 Posts 
Posted on 9/28/2010 3:17 PM
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Answers for "Why does my ex hate me so much? I want her to remember the good, not bury it."  (31) (You must be logged in to answer)

I am another with a VERY similar situation. 17 years, 3 kids, wife had a midlife crisis and whammo, it's over. There is nothing you can do about a selfish, narcissist, dumb bitch. The grass IS greener because it's astroturf, fake. My ex is with a loser, bum, criminal piece of shit and all I can say is protect your kids. If this guy is all about his "image" keep an ear out for teachable moments with your kids. Stress the importance of how being a good person is what matters, not a car, boat or piece of junk Harley. Be well, let her suffer, she doesn't want good memories because the guilt and shame sets in her mind shortly after. Raise those kids high above the shallow, selfish people that can possibly influence them in a bad way.
by Dadof3boys   140 Posts
Posted on 11/18/2013 4:34 PM

similar story indeed; although we had been married/together 29 years.  
why does she hate me so much that she has now filed criminal charges - harrassment - for which I now have to stand trial - and did 24 hrs. in jail - because I wanted to talk to her.  begged her to reconcile; even told her that I would forgive her for the affair - she wouldn't even consider it.  so, spent the past 8 months mostly suicidal..  sigh; for what?  so that she can have wild sex with a loser?  big deal
by acePicker   1 Post
Posted on 7/28/2011 3:57 PM

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your views and responses on my post. I've never done the therapy thing...maybe I should have. Every single response to my post was/is truly helpful. Thank you all. Each and every post has truly helped me to see that "it is what it is" and that I'm not alone in this.
by blondsided   19 Posts
Posted on 10/10/2010 9:28 PM

Hi Rick, She is hateful because she has realized that the grass wasn't greener on the other side. She directs her anger at you because her only other alternative is to accept her stupidity and take full responsibility for ruining her life. You keep on going forward and enjoy being a dad, and your life,, good things are sure to come your way.
by Daniela5   136 Posts
Posted on 10/10/2010 11:39 AM

H i Rick,
reading your story it remainded me of what happened to me all including the health problem. After that everything change compleatelly. He also said there was no one else and the next day out of the house he was with someone else. I also think that it had to do with the mid-life crisis, and the scare he got, he said he felt he was missing stuff and this was something he HAD to do, think about been selfish. I know that I'm not guilt free, and maybe that is what keep us wondering and getting us back into depression, because instead of forgiving ourself and accepting this was the other person decision of getting out the easy way, we keep truing to figure out what we did or didn't do to prevent this, this I believe will help us heal.
As for them, ususally when someone is angry at you is because of the way they you make them feel, maybe guilty or it can be that what they found outside is not what they expected (emotionally or financially) and they need someone to blame it for. 
by purple65   20 Posts
Posted on 10/2/2010 11:57 PM

That sucks man. I have a similar situation. I was with my ex for 14 years. She left me for a guy she dated for a little bit when she was in high school. He is still married with 3 kids. I keep asking her why she's leaving me for a guy that's married and hasn't even started his divorce. One day after a family BBQ at my grandparents house she told me she was done. It was a shock because I thought everything was fine. I can't understand why she left me for a jerk that's married and has been arrested in the past for assault (choking his wife), commercial burglary and drug trafficking. We are going to try and stay friends mainly because we have 3 kids of our own. Luckily they are coming with me.

The sad thing was that her mom is for the divorce and helped my ex arrange dates so I wouldn't know what was going on in the beginning.

by Dopey5150   10 Posts
Posted on 10/1/2010 1:25 PM

It is so true that the longer you have been together, the longer it takes to recover.  I was married 15 years when my ex filed for divorce, and it's been 5 years since the divorce was final.  Finally, in the last year, I am starting to feel like myself again - the person that I was before my ex started to criticize every thing about me.  It's almost like waking up from a dream.  You will feel better, but it can take a long time, and that time begins to give you perspective, and you truly start to accept that your ex is not the person you married.  Do I still miss my ex? Sometimes- but I miss the man that I married, not the selfish person he has become.  And, yes, I can finally speak to him without either becoming upset or furious, but it's because I'm healing and can detach.
by musicmom   93 Posts
Posted on 9/30/2010 1:40 PM

Even though he was selfish, I just thought he was immature and needed guidance. I probably would have never left him. Unfortunately, his infrequent rages started becoming more frequent and more violent. I still hate that it came to that. I am so angry at him for losing that control. I have dwelled on that for so long. I have lived in fear and anger.

Today, in trying to put together a page for my son's high school yearbook, I had to look through some old photos. I had forgotten some of those events. I relived some of those happy times we shared as a family and with friends. I spent the time going through albums and crying over what we had and what we lost.

He chose not to take a single picture with him. I wonder if he will forever live with the anger and bitterness or if he will one day reach inside for the memories.
by Bradylady   397 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 7:14 PM

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Right down to the part about trying to be fair and reasonable to the ex and getting nothing but abuse and greed in return. So yes, feel free to vent. I have no idea is my ex thinks the grass is greener where she is now. But I've since found out that it's greener for me. Even if this whole thing started with my being forcibly thrown over the fence.
by halfadragon   36 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 3:14 PM

Because of what I went through for the last 2 years I was married, I forgot a lot of the good.  I dwelled on the bad.  I wondered why I had stayed for so long.  It took me a long time to remember that we did have good times.  But, I had to look for those good times. 

Give it time.  Perhaps one of these days she will remember.  Maybe she does and pride keeps her from admitting it.  She has to deal with the fallout from her idiocy.  Yes, you have to deal with it, too.  But, eventually, the kids will tire of it.  And, you will be there to help them through it.
by Dactyl   5834 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 1:49 PM

Ok, first of all, you are a good looking guy. I'm not hitting on you, though, because I'm in a very "I hate all men" state of mind. Anyway, if it has been a year and you are still having a hard time with this divorce/separation/whatever you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'I can choose to feel better.' You CAN control your thoughts. It takes practice and you have to want to, but you can control your thoughts about your ex and about your circumstances and once you've done that you'll not only feel better, you can take the steps to make yourself better. It's okay to be alone. Our society tries to lie to us and say its better to be with someone, but its not entirely true. You can be just as fulfilled if not more fulfilled living solo. Quit wasting your money on alcohol/drugs/porn/whatever it is that makes you feel like you can cope...no condemnation here...and use that money to go to Vegas or buy a spiffy new wardrobe or save up for your future wife so when she comes you've got this huge nest egg and zero debt. And of course, if you haven't already, get on an anti-depressant. They're all the rave and they work like a charm.
by madmom   5 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 9:29 AM

I just read that you were married for 15 years.  Rick, you don't get over that in one year.  Estimates are one year healing for every 4-5 years married.  Be patient with yourself, believe in yourself, remember time and distance helps, your future is more important than your past, your children need lots of reassurance, you need to be good to yourself as well right now-hobbies, sports, etc.  Only assume responsibility for you and your children, that's enough.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 11:17 PM

I have never understood how people can be so ugly to someone they loved at one time. I initiated my divorce. And even though my stbx cheated on me and abused alcohol, I'm trying everything to be civil. It sucks that she is treating you like that. I believe in Karma. What goes around comes around. Just keep your head up.
by prs   125 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 11:00 PM

Hey man. It's ok to grieve. It's part of the process. Anger, anxiety, depression. They all have there places and times to come out. We all have our demons and they come out from time to time to make our lives miserable.

Here, there are many who want to help. We will listen, offer advice, give a figurative shoulder to cry on, etc. Divorce sucks. That's my mantra, and I'm sticking to it.

My stbx is NOT the person I married. That person died. Somewhere, somehow, and it doesn't really matter anymore.

What you need to do now is find a way to move on. But, take what time you need to get your head straight. Don't rush, don't mistake the need for company as love, don't run from relationship to relationship.

In the meantime, vent, blog, get some therapy. Whatever you need to get through the next day.

Peace if you can find it.
by worried2tears   2308 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 10:40 PM

I have to agree with FOLLOW.  You also need to focus on yourself now and no longer on your ex.  People who leave us really left us emotionally  long before we became aware of it.  Do not set yourself up for continual pain by desiring contact with her, let her go.  The past is over, your relationship is dead, your future begins now. As I once read, you can't move on if you're attempting to keep the home fires burning.  You can only control yourself, no one else (thank God), so focus on your own recovery and the future you will make with your children.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 10:19 PM

Rick, we can't make other people make the right choices in their lives, even for themselves.  It seems to be pretty standard for exes to cheat to a) blame the cheating on their spouse, b) be unable to come to terms with the consequences of their own actions.  It's far easier to be unhappy in the new life, but find that not only was it the faithful spouse's fault that they cheated, but also the faithful spouse's fault that nothing is going right in the new life.

The person you loved and married no longer exists.  Like others have said, the one we divorce, isn't the one we loved and married.  As you come to understand and accept this, you will heal.  You must also accept that she won't do what you need her to do.  The best you can do is distance yourself from the person she's become.
by stCheshirecat   2624 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 10:08 PM

Welcome! It's good to meet you - I just wish the circumstances were different.

You can post replies right here, if you'd like, or you can post them on folks' walls - just click on the little blue name of the post you'd like to respond to under the picture/avatar. You can also click on your "inbox" (upper right hand corner, under your name) if what you'd like to say is something you'd rather keep just between the two of you.
All of us have been "newbies" here - we're here for each other, regardless of tenure!
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 9:57 PM

Oh my god. Yeah I'm a guy... I'm over this I thought but then again I'd have never posted right?. But My face is streaming with tears reading your answers.... so @everyone, thank you. I never did the therapy thing, and here I am a year later. It helps.
PS I'm so new to this site I'm not even sure where to post replies.
by blondsided   19 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 9:41 PM

I agree with Iams post. My ex kept telling me that he wanted the girl he fell in love with back. I was 14 years old when we "fell in love" and stayed together for 26 years, married for 16 of them. We grew in different directions over those years and I am very glad I am not that girl any more. Of course him wanting that "girl" back explains alot of the things he liked to watch on the internet.

My point is that people are always changing, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Unfortunately, the marriage is what suffers and the kids as well, for a time anyways.

I am not that mixed up damaged desparate little girl anymore, and while it hurts immensely that I could not have the marriage I hoped for, and the family I wanted, I know that I did all I could. I would never be what he would want because I have learned integrity and morality, and not self indulgent hedonism. He will show everyone who he really is over time. That is the hard thing though, waiting.....
by MsIndependant   14 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 9:31 PM

I can certainly relate to your post.  Most of us can, actually. 

I can't explain why your stbx did the things she did any more than I can explain why my stbx chose to do the things he did.  Mid life crisis, maybe. 

In October, we will have been married 20 years.  Our divorce will be final in November.  Mine left me for a woman who is controlling and abusive.  He never had to deal with that when we were together, nor did I.  I will never understand why he chose her.  I doubt he will either. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It's hard.  I've been in the divorce process for almost 3 years.  I have mostly good days, with the occasional bad day thrown into the mix.  I'd rather be where I am right this moment than with a husband who cheated.  I deserved far better than that, and so do you.

Keep posting.  It helps.

by Kitty7470   3803 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 9:20 PM

Rick, a person's character is revealed in the tough times, not when we're on the mountaintop.  Your ex, I believe, got the scare of her life when she got diagnosed with cancer.  Add to that the age of 40, which is always surprising to a woman, and you can easily see a person who is now driven by fear.  Why didn't she trust your love?  I ask the same question of my ex...I think part of the reason is they are afraid they might be missing out on something and time is not on their side for much longer to make a change in their life if that's what they want.  Add poor communication to that and a beckoning from someone who is self-centered, and you have a recipe for disaster for everyone involved.  Fear always makes us irrational.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 9:16 PM

Rick...you will never 'understand' what possessed her and caused her to turn away from you.  Feelings are not logical.  Nothing that she could say or do, including being nicer to you, will change the events that brought you here, that caused the demise of your marriage, that caused her to take up with, as you say, a dirtball.

I will never understand what caused my evil ex to beat me so that I incurred a skull fracture and damage to my optic nerve.  I will never understand his last words to me, "Good luck, bitch.  You're 55yo and no one will want you!"  But I still walked out that door, away from him and his evilness and have never once looked back.

Telling your story here will help in untying the knots in your heart and letting it beat again at a normal rate.  It will take some time.  Time is your friend.  Understanding is not.

by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 8:58 PM

Rick...you will never 'understand' what possessed her and caused her to turn away from you.  Feelings are not logical.  Nothing that she could say or do, including being nicer to you, will change the events that brought you here, that caused the demise of your marriage, that caused her to take up with, as you say, a dirtball.

I will never understand what caused my evil ex to beat me so that I incurred a skull fracture and damage to my optic nerve.  I will never understand his last words to me, "Good luck, bitch.  You're 55yo and no one will want you!"  But I still walked out that door, away from him and his evilness and have never once looked back.

Telling your story here will help in untying the knots in your heart and letting it beat again at a normal rate.  It will take some time.  Time is your friend.  Understanding is not.

by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 8:57 PM

Rick, we have several things that are similar, my ex is very pretty and I too did things for her that I thought were over and beyond in order to prevent the divorce but she wanted him instead.  I'm still shocked as is much of the people who tell me "she left you for him", the few things that make me feel happy, he is ugly as sin.  Sorry for your pain and thanks for sharing.  Many blessings.
by Betrayedforaram   642 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 8:39 PM

It's been 2 1/2 years since the x left and never gave a reason. He still hasn't.

I thought last night of how much I'd like to just say 'do you remember when.' I felt like I fell into that deep dark hole again. He will never talk to me like a normal person again.

A lot of us can relate. My therapist told me that in order to understand why he acts like that I'd have to be a sociopath.

Most of the time now it's better. Time does not heal it. Hard work and effort heals the pain. I still have bad days, but they are fewer and I recover faster. So will you but you have to work at it.

I have made a blueprint for my life. I get motivated, do a little, and then fall back, but at least I am moving in the right direction. I found that making a plan that didn't include him works well for me. It makes me focus. It is mostly about my career and travel plans, but it includes a man. I don't know if that will ever happen again for me, either, but I don't want to live the rest of my life without a man. With all of their faults, there is no substitute. I went to a therapist for a time, stopped and am now returning. It helps a lot to have the perspective of someone who is not your friend and not worried about hurting your feelings, who can see things from a different perspective.
by bluebird   3248 Posts
Posted on 9/28/2010 6:29 PM

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