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Still broken hearted...life isn't worth living

The divorse was final in Oct 2009. In May of this year I found out that he remarried Jan 5, 2010. In September of last year he told me how much he loved me and didn't want anyone else. When I found out about his remarriage, I was devastated and I still am. How long will it take for me to feel better? I hate my life. I hate my job. I don't have a reason to go on. What's the point? I miss being married, I miss him and I miss my old lifestyle. Every day is just a lonely void. I am 48 and feel like I will never find love again. Please help.

by Elli   291 Posts 
Posted on 9/16/2010 1:35 PM
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Answers for "Still broken hearted...life isn't worth living"  (23) (You must be logged in to answer)

48 and worried that you are not going to find someone else that my friend is utter nonsense. Now I am not going to elaborate but if a man can jump out of a marriage and into another on in a matter of few months then God help that poor woman.

In all honesty if your so called husband can look you in the eye and tell sweet nothings to you and drop you to the curb like that has some serious issues. Plus you need to discipline yourself not to let this man and his lying ass ways affect you like that.

Oh yeah I miss being married but I dont miss the lying ass fake lifestyle I had. I am going to have a genuine relationship with someone or without but it sure as hell wont be fake and you arent going to settle for that either as you certainly deserve much more than that.

So just relax and get yourself together and enjoy the ride and understand it gets better as it goes along. :D
by gregory1969   1991 Posts
Posted on 2/14/2012 6:17 AM

Elli, part of the recovery process and letting go includes paying attention to the mind games we indulge ourselves in; fantasy and mythical thinking.  We all have had to think about what we're thinking about.  we need the truth to rely on, it helps us deal with the negative emotions-these set us free from the emotional hold an unloving ex has on us.  It also helps us to begin quieting the storm of negativity around us.
If a man professes love to you in Sept and remarries in Jan-he was lying to you.  Accept the fact that your ex is not someone with integrity, has no credibility, and definitely not someone worth being jealous or envious over... you lost your dream, not the world.
Every time you catch yourself with a negative thought counter it with the truth and the present reality.  It's a fight and not one we want anything to do with, but it needs to be done to set ourselves free from unhealthy emotional bonds to a past which is dead.  It gives us strength to pick up and move on in the present.
make a list of all the positive and negative things about your relationship.  If you're honest, there will be more you didn't like and those things weakened your relationship and helped destroy it. when down on yourself with grief and guilt and anger, go back to the list and remind yourself of why the marriage didn't work.  It takes two to make a marriage, it only takes one to make a divorce.  It takes time to come out of the victimization and learn how to become a survivor.      Remember, it hurts, it stinks, it's not right, it never should have happened, but it did.  Time to pick up the pieces, glue yourself back together again, and find the beautiful woman inside who really wants to get out and express herself and her inner beauty and competence.  No man defines you, you define yourself.  your destiny belongs to no man, it is yours to create.  get excited about the emerging new you and let the dead bury the dead.
by fra   1665 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2010 4:39 PM

I know what you mean, I feel that way sometimes too (although thankfully I like my job).

Are you seeing a therapist? Your description, what's the point—like all that's left is a succession of gray days—sounds a bit like depression. Don't ask me how I know.
by Natalie   1518 Posts
Posted on 9/18/2010 5:55 PM

A friend of mine, who's about your age, is planning on attending his mother's wedding next week...her third.  (Her 1st and 2nd husbands died.)

His mom is in her 70s.  

Love is out there...but you have to be among the living to find it.  Get busy, stay active, meet people.  It'll happen.
by bostonDad   25 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 9:18 PM

Elli, your feelings are normal. It really doesn't matter your age. I'm 32 and have just gone through my second divorce. I had sworn after my 1st marriage failed that I would never get married again, I didn't trust men. Then I meet my 2nd husband and fell madly in love, I had thought I had finally found the one. Just after our 1yr wedding anniversary he tells me he wants a divorce and has been unhappy for years. 3 months after we separated he got a girl friend and I just found out that 3 months after our divorce was finalized they are now engaged.

I don't want him back, he lied to me for almost 5yrs and I know I deserve better then that. But I can't help wondering almost a year later why he get's my happiness and I'm still alone. I have found comfort in my close friends, I've started school to finish my degree and I'm making sure that my life is going to be better. It will take time to be able to reach that level of thinking, that you deserve better and when you are ready it will happen. So please be patient and post here as much as you need to, it really does help.
by discord   72 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 1:20 PM

PM's are private messages. Look on the right hand side of your screen, right next to where the box for "Community" is. It says Welcom elli.

Right under that it says inbox and sign out. Click on inbox. then you will see a box with incoming private messages. Just open by clicking on the one from me.  (and the rest if you have them!) There will be options to reply, delete. It'll open up another box so you can read them.
by worried2tears   2308 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 9:38 AM

Dear Worried2 Tears...I don't know where or what PM is?
by Elli   291 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 9:34 AM

I think it was in May or June, I was leaving one of my lawyers' offices and I must have looked really angry. An elderly gentleman stopped me in the parking lot and asked what the matter was. I told this stranger a shortened version of what the late stxb did.  The man looked at me and said something like, you can feel the sun on your face and he is dead, you should be enjoying the nice weather, not worrying about his actions.. So true.

I don't have to imagine what he did. I have seen the XXX rated pictures on the internet as well as the private ones. I read all the posts, blogs, emails and texts. How do you know he "found her so fast". She could have been around for a long time.

Maybe you are just aren't ready for the dating scene yet. Remember that song ""You Can't Hurry Love.". I know I am not and I have a few years on you. I learned that you have to re-find your self before you can even start to find someone else.

You can be alone, without being lonely. It's actually nice. I am reading the new Peter Robinson mystery. Tonight I am going to watch baseball from 7 till probably after 1. I am a baseball junkie. I will try a new wine reduction sauce for dinner. I am going to walk the dogs and brush the cats. Oh yeah in between, I will be talking to at least one lawyer and my PI trying to right what the late stbx did.

Life is always worth living. My mom (died in May 2009) who went blind in 2002, and hadn't spoken since 2008 and could no longer walk plus a whole lot of other things still smiled when she heard a Yankee game.

Use this time to re-get to know yourself. You will like her a whole lot. If you are having a hard time, make an appointment with a therapist, find a support group, talk to your clergy, post here. Volunteer at a pet shelter, library, nursing home. There are lots of people waiting for you.

I am sure when you got married, you never expected to end up here. Life is full of surprises. You may get a "love"ly one when you least expect it.

by ak7   640 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 8:12 AM

Elli: Read your PM. Just click on "Inbox" under your welcome elli on the right hand side.
by worried2tears   2308 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 8:00 AM

Aw, Sweetie, I think the first step is to realize what you're feeling is normal.  No matter what our age, when divorce hits we think we are washed up and unlovable.  It's NORMAL and it is TEMPORARY.  It will take time to go away.  Sometimes years.  But it WILL go away.

I'm 45 and I remember thinking no one would ever love me again.  I'm old, fat, and have plenty of scars, cellulite, and baggage.  Honey, you would be surprised.  A good woman with a big heart is in huge demand out there. 

Keep blogging and hang in there.
by Iam   7316 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 6:27 AM

I will go to the bookstore and start reading.  I tried therapy but it didn't help.  I guess slog on forward whether i like it or not is the best advice out there.  I will put one foot in front of the other and not try to find anything.  I expect too much of myself.  You all really are better than any therapist or drug.  Thank you all so much.
by Elli   291 Posts
Posted on 9/17/2010 6:24 AM

I don't think I have much to add that hasn't already been said.  He's History You're Not was a great book, that lead me to this site, where I have made the most awesome cyber friends that I will meet in person one day.  Counseling and short term antidepressants were a huge help.  For some of us, we have been granted a favor in not spending any more time with someone who was so selfish, uncaring..the list can go on.  It will just take time, and that you just can't fast forward through, as much as we wish we could.
by PamA   672 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 7:04 PM

Well how lucky for you. Imagine that you have so much time to indulge a pity party. Me? yeah, I have them too. We're all human after all. I call them armpit lickin' days. It's like being a dog and the only thing you can do to soothe yourself is to lick yourself.

Just curious Elli, for how long will you wallow in this until you realize that the scum sucking gutter slug isn't worth it?

What I'm really asking you Elli, is when do you let YOU and not him or some imaginary idea of us, come first?

You really do owe it to yourself to put you and just you first.
by brad   322 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 7:02 PM

We know the pain of a broken heart.  You are not alone in feeling empty.  You are not alone in thoughts that you will be single for your remaining days.  If you are anything like me, the thought of rebuilding with some a stranger is a combination of scary and repulsive.  Anyway, how can you even find someone when you’ve been so hurt that you’ll not trust again?  The marriage, for all its faults, was a big part of your life.  I know you didn’t want any of this, but to paraphrase Bonnie Raitt, you can’t make him love you

How long will it take to feel better?  Who knows; it is different for every person and every situation.  But to a person, everyone says it gets better.  You have to believe that everyone is telling the truth.  Honestly, you’ll probably never be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy in a different way.

It’s a sad truth that time only goes one way, and for the most part we’re all better looking when we are young.  But wishing it were different will not change the fact that we’ve played the hand we were dealt in life.  We made the best decision we could in choosing a life partner, but that gamble didn’t pay off.

I’ll tell you what I told myself.  Don’t try to live.  Don’t try to be happy.  Don’t try to find a new love.  Cry, scream, punch the walls, see a psychologist (I tried it, and found that the only thing that helped me was time) and do whatever you have to.  Right now just survive.  Just put one foot in front of another and keep going.  Just slog through the sh*t and the pain.  You don’t have to like it, but keep going.  You don’t know where you are going to end up, but given how bad things are now, it is likely that it’ll be a better place.

by CoyersecNuncio   75 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 6:09 PM

W2T said the things I'd tell you in his next to the last paragraph, and I echo Catherder - counseling can help you get through this tough time. Sometimes the unhappiness of divorce spills over onto everything else, and it's easy to get overwhelmed when that happens. 

I'm a little older than you, and I have one more suggestion for you - Erica Manfred's book "He's History, You're Not!" The book really helped me, as it's aimed towards those of us who have "been around the block a time or two" when we divorce. 

There was a post on this site last week from a woman who wondered if she'd ever fall in love again. I think it's in the question section. There's a lot of good comments there.

There's a lot of support on this site - I've made cyberfriends I'd love to meet in real life. Though were in different ages and stages of life, we all share the experience of divorce, and some things are the same, no matter the gender or age. 
After reading Manfred's book and the adventures of the folks who are really living after divorce, I've come to see my divorce as the opportunity for a do-over of some parts of my life. I'm making moves to go back to the path I stepped off when I decided to marry, and even though I'm older, I'm looking forward to the future!

We're here for you!
by JulieG   5759 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 5:40 PM

I wasn't going to write or post anything anymore after my last post about what I did Tuesday, but right as I was about to sign off here for good, I seen and read your blog.I think I understand a little about how you feel. There is many days that go by so lonely and empty that I feel like I just want to die. I'm alone in life and there are so many issues I just don't know how to make go away. This is not the life I wanted and there are alot of times I don't think I'll ever get the life I wanted because that person is not out there for me. I know how I feel and why I did what I did Tuesday, but I know a few other things to. One, 48 is not an age that rules love out. Love, real love has no age limit. The only limit to love is a persons heart. 48 is young and possible. Two, do not make the mistakes I just made. They come with huge back lash that is even worse than what you are deal with right now. I swear, doing what I did does not help. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Last, regardless of who it is, talk to someone. Get someone in your corner. From this site or anywhere you can. Don't stand alone in this. One friend does make the difference. Reach out to someone, some will reach back and hold you strong. Please don't do what I did. You deserve better.
by PHOENIX_ROAS   1052 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 5:23 PM

Well, since W2T invoked my name (Ruby) as the senior vixen of this website, I feel it incumbent I respond and I shall:

Honey, I am 56 years old.  I have been married and divorced twice--I tried to stay married but my second husband, the evil ex, was hell-bent on killing me and I just could not give him that satisfaction.

So, a short 4 months after our divorce he married, AND PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, his FIFTH wife!!!!!

Frankly, the thought of it makes me delirious with laughter!  What a colossal horse's ass he is!! 

Remember this:  IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.   He has a problem and be overjoyed you no longer have to deal with him.

And that, my fair younger lady, is your truth as it is my truth.  You have only good times ahead without a bad man.
by rubyslippers   2625 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 4:42 PM

Elli, I suspect part of the reason this is so traumatic is that his remarriage meant there was no more hope that he would come back. As someone who has struggled with clinical depression, I’m very concerned by the phrase “I don’t have a reason to go on.” Have you considered therapy to help you through this? A divorce support group or a therapist might be very helpful for you. And you may want to talk with your doctor about trying an antidepressant. You are grieving the death of your marriage, and it takes time. There is no shame in asking for professional help to assist you through this.

By the way, I am 51 and I think the same things that you do - that no one will ever want to date me because I’m too old. But in my heart I know I am a good person, that I was popular before I married the stbx, and that I *will* find someone again.

Good luck and {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}.
by Catherder   41 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 4:32 PM

I just picked up a book called "How to Fall Out of Love" by Dr. Debora Phillips.  It teaches you behavioral therapy tricks to help you forget your ex for good.  I am only a couple days into it but it seems to have helped me a great deal.  I am hoping it lasts for good this time.  I know all of us just want to put this pain behind us.  The book was only $6.99 at Barnes and Noble.  It could maybe help you too.  Best regards
by light   27 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 4:04 PM

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low, because I know those feelings well myself.  For months and months all I could do was imagine my husband with his new girlfriend, think about the happy times we had together, etc ,etc.  Then, about 3 weeks ago, it's like a light switch went off.  I realized how much of myself I had given over to this man, how all my happy memories were from years ago, nothing recent, how he neglected me and our kids for years to pursue his own interest, etc.  Suddenly, I'm feeling much better.  The advise about remembering what you were like before you met your husband is great.  I started remembering that I was popular, that men thought I was attractive, that I had tons of friends and was always doing something fun, and I can be and do all of that again.  It put a new perspective on "being single" again.
by pford   57 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 3:06 PM

Why was he able to find someone so fast?

Isn't that the million dollar question we all ask ourselves?  Elli...would it be any consolation for me to tell you that his relationship will never last?  I know that  the uncertainty of what the future holds is what scare the ba-jezeez out of us, but as everybody who has given us (D360'ers) advice has said..."time heals all wounds",  time is a luxury that we have.  We can use it to heal, live and enjoy life as singles and even find the right one.  Just take your time and try to live through the fear.  I know the loneliness can be mind-numbing sometimes but as the Yoda-esque (no insult intended) Worried2Tears has said...you just need to keep busy and keep your mind occupied.  What has helped me is re-connecting with my past.  Remember your life before him.  Try to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones.   What you need to do is establish the mind set that if there was life before him, then there will be life after him.  Good luck and we are here for you.

by Rick900572   551 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 2:45 PM

Thank you Worried2Tears!!
I only have one good friend and one family member (my son who is 26) who I can truly rely on.  I joined a ladies golf club, went on a date from someone I met on a dating site, and even had some cosmetic surgery!  Everyone says how lucky i am and how good I look but all i do is cry and feel lonely.  When I go on dating sites, it is scary and I am not attracted to the men there.  All the ones my age are fat and bald.  It seems that my only options are to be alone or hook up with one of those...I don't like either option.  Where is the happy ending?  Why was he able to find someone so fast?
by Elli   291 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 2:25 PM

Elli: My heart goes out to you. I know people say that all the time, but when so many of us on this site are in a similar situation, you can be assured that we really mean it.

You are ONLY 48. Look at Ruby! She is older than you, and is looking forward to the future. I am 49, with a son who I provide almost everything except money for, and I was not looking forward to spending the rest of my life alone either.

But you know what? I won't be alone! I have many new friends, some from this very site, that we talk on the phone, chat on Yahoo, text, whatever. We support each other BECAUSE we know how the other feels. There are even a couple that I feel an especial connection to. Like my new "brother" Rick.

You post here because you know, somewhere inside of you, that you need support. Well, we are here for you! We will give you the advice you need, support, and a shoulder to cry on (figuratively) for as long as you need it. If nothing else, you will always know that WE care.

Do go seek something to occupy your time, whether volunteering somewhere, or a divorce support group, or heck, a D&D game at your local comic book store. Something, ANYTHING, to keep you occupied.

And don't forget to take care of YOURSELF. Excersize, eat right, get plenty of rest, find a hobby, make some new friends! There are several of us on Facebook. PM us and join us!

In the meantime Zen hugs! {{{{{{{{{{{Elli}}}}}}}}}}} feel better, and keep talking. It helps

by worried2tears   2308 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2010 2:18 PM

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