Still very much in love with my soon to be former wife. It's complicated, but it's been about 16 months. I can't get over this. The only thing that "feels right" is when I am with her and the kids. Everything else, even having my kids alone is very depressing and feels incomplete. When we are all together it feels complete. What can I do. I am in therapy, not doing much for me except telling me the obvious, " it takes time". I struggle with simple tasks...the morning are the worst. I'm usually saddled with depression and anxiety. Any one out the have a book or a any useful tips.
OK, in your title the question says "when you have to see her for the kids." Which normally means picking up and dropping off the kids, in the bleachers at the ball game, stuff like that.
But the vibe I'm getting is that your kids want you to hang out at her place and pretend its like the old days. And you go along with that (maybe even encourage them to be that way) because you want to be there too. And she puts up with it because she doesn't want to be the bad guy.
Reality check: you are putting your kids in the middle, using them as pawns to get what you want. At the same time you are giving them the idea that they can make their parents decisions for them. These are both unhealthy for the kids.
You need to stop accepting invitations from your kids to come to her house. Don't say "have you checked with your mom?" Say, "no thanks." If it's supposed to be your time, you have "already made other plans" for you and the kids, out or at your place.
As long as you are spending time with her, you are extending the time it will take you to heal.You say your time with just your kids feels incomplete. Well of course it does, if you are still spending time with all of them sometimes. You and the kids have to develop your own routines together, your own "normal" without her in the picture. Otherwise you will always be comparing your time to a recent one that included her. Since you and the kids all still love her, the memory will win that competition.
Your time with the kids should follow a very regular pattern as much as possible. You should figure out your menu plan for the weekend, fit around a regular set of activities. The activities (and the food) should be picked from a short but popular list. Pizza and a DVD, stir fry and board games, whatever. Don't forget regular short intervals for completing homework.Stop hanging out at your ex's house. You don't have to beep from the driveway, but go no farther than the foyer. You can sit together at recitals or at the soccer game, but more than that is just keeping you from moving on.
Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial
planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not
intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions
expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author
alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.