divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

ADVERTISING PARTNERS

Find divorce professionals in your area

Find lawyers
Find financial professionals
Find coaches
Answers
You can search for Answers by tag here:

Invite Others
Invite friends and family to join you on d360! - Click here
where do I start
Our checklists are a great place to start. Or, get a quick review of your state's divorce laws with our Legal Cheat Sheet.
  Posted to group - Chat    <<Previous    Next>>

How do you get over your ex when you have to see her for the kids...

Still very much in love with my soon to be former wife.  It's complicated, but it's been about 16 months.  I can't get over this.  The only thing that "feels right" is when I am with her and the kids.  Everything else, even having my kids alone is very depressing and feels incomplete.  When we are all together it feels complete.  What can I do.  I am in therapy, not doing much for me except telling me the obvious, " it takes time".  I struggle with simple tasks...the morning are the worst.  I'm usually saddled with depression and anxiety.  Any one out the have a book or a any useful tips.


Thanks


by gumboman   24 Posts 
Posted on 8/23/2010 1:04 PM
Get AlertsGet Alerts!
Sent to Friendsend to friend
18

Tags:


Answers for "How do you get over your ex when you have to see her for the kids..."  (14) (You must be logged in to answer)




Well as all of you .. definately in the same boat ..but I am a few years older than my girl..15 years..and the problem rose that she looked at we we would be down the road.. She basicallt always said we wouldnt work out which was her...nor us.. and then she started to text people to the point to hook up as soon as she decided to leave, She left me high And dry ..financially  screwed and with a 18 month old...Considering I want to look like th best dad and keep my hopes alive that we would get back together...I tried everything but she wa already with another man..so it was over when she walked out the door. but everytime I get my kid ...I fall back into relapse of a broken heart...3Yrs and just dropped on a dime...She wants to be young and have her fun so I just about threatenned to take full custody which i still might do but i fear thats just cause i am heartbroken. i want to do it for the right reasons..She wants to drink ..smoke pot and just party..she even brought this new guy into my sons life like it was nothing . When I have my son, she does nothing but act klike shes in high school.. I know I have no right to say anything if we arent together but the reason for leaving was just to let loose. Sad but living like this day to day is extreemly painful. I dont know what I should do anymore...I told her I needed timje away from her altogether cause I cant stand to see her when picking my kid up...Its that bad..Throw in drinking at night just to manage my anxiety or depressed feelings..well ..lets just say..I want to move on but i work 50 hrs a week so i dont have the time..and I have the kid 3 or 4 days..even harder..so oh well
by CooJoe2012   1 Post
Posted on 3/18/2012 1:07 AM
9





I'm in the exact same boat!  Even though my stbx has torn us and our family apart, there is a HUGE part of me that wishes that we could be back together!  She's the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night.  Our 3 year old daughter is the spitting image of her, so looking at her makes me think about my wife even more.  I've done the only thing that I know of to try and get over it, and that's keeping my distance.  To me, it seems just as hard as the impending divorce, but I had to do it!  There was a while there, that I was trying to find reasons to text or call her about anything!  I know it seems kind of stalkerish, but I was miserable without her.  Then I came to the realization that I was even MORE miserable with her!  There was a reason for this divorce.  In my case, she left me for "something better"!  Our kids will always remind me of the good times that our family had, but that doesn't mean that they and I can't have even better times.  Right now, I wish I could be with my wife, but she's with her new man.  All I can do is be strong, not only for myself, but for my kids.  Remember:  They will remember all of this as well.  Do we want our kids to remember good things, or bad things?  It's up to us to make this as stress free for our children as possible.  Don't know if this helps you or not, but being a new member here myself, I've found that for the most part, there are a lot of people here that are understanding and can give some GREAT advice on how to deal with our emotions.  Now we just have to listen!
by erik2112   4 Posts
Posted on 5/31/2011 8:47 PM
13





I completely understand where you are coming from...everytime I would see my ex I just wanted to go back to when I thought I was happy. It has been a year since my separation and 6 months since my divorce and I am still working on letting go. Even this past weekend was hard with me ex. My son was starting school and we all went to his open house together. I agree with many others you need to not accept those invitations to hang out with the kids and the stbx. If the kids want to hang out see if you can take them to your place for a short time. Things do cut less deep as time goes on. Hang in there!  Smile!
by lost2009   133 Posts
Posted on 8/25/2010 9:40 AM
2





OK, in your title the question says "when you have to see her for the kids."  Which normally means picking up and dropping off the kids, in the bleachers at the ball game, stuff like that.

 

But the vibe I'm getting is that your kids want you to hang out at her place and pretend its like the old days.  And you go along with that (maybe even encourage them to be that way) because you want to be there too.  And she puts up with it because she doesn't want to be the bad guy.

 

Reality check:  you are putting your kids in the middle, using them as pawns to get what you want.  At the same time you are giving them the idea that they can make their parents decisions for them.  These are both unhealthy for the kids.

 

You need to stop accepting invitations from your kids to come to her house.  Don't say "have you checked with your mom?" Say, "no thanks."  If it's supposed to be your time, you have "already made other plans" for you and the kids, out or at your place. 

by mike1493   3672 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2010 2:29 PM
5





Mike-

She can "place nice" for the sake of the kids.  It does not mean her actions in anyway remotly signal a desire for reconcilliation.  Her famous phrases are " I don't love you" and " It's not what I want"
by gumboman   24 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2010 2:00 PM
4





Mike-

She can "place nice" for the sake of the kids.  It does not mean her actions in anyway remotly signal a desire for reconcilliation.  Her famous phrases are " I don't love you" and " It's not what I want"
by gumboman   24 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2010 2:00 PM
1





Let's say you had high cholesterol, and your favorite food of all time was bacon.  Your doc says you have to give up bacon.  You say, "doc, I just can't get used to a BLT without bacon."  Well, duh.  You don't order the BLT.  Get something else.  Don't try to do your favorite family activities without your stbx--come up with new things to do.  Do the things she never liked.

Look, we don't know anything about your situation--you just said "it's complicated."  But I assume that one of you is suing the other one for divorce.   It sounds like you guys can "play nice" in front of the kids, well enough that to you it feels "complete." 

Does it feel "complete" to her?  Or is she just putting up with you for the kids' sake?  Or is she playing nice to persuade you to be generous in the settlement?
by mike1493   3672 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2010 1:54 PM
3





your post is painful to read because we have all been there in one way or another.

i wish i had the magic words to help you right this minute.

the truth is that if you are 100% positive that there is zero chance of reconciliation and that you must move on, no matter what...then you simply have to face that. you have to look at yourself in the mirror and face that while you did not want this and are not sure what to do next, you simply must forge a new life, starting right this second.

you need to start over for yourself and for your kids. they need you to be strong and have direction. they need to know they can rely on you for support now and in the future.
 
there's that saying about faking it until you make it. and frankly, sometimes thats all we can do. ...fake it.

fake that you are better and stonger and have a new direction and path in life. fake that you are okay with this divorce and that you will be fine and the kids will be happy when they are with you. fake it until you wake up one day and realize you're not faking it anymore.

while you're faking it, fake some interests and hobbies too. doesn't matter at all what they are. maybe something you've always wanted to do (hiking), or maybe something that has nothing at all to do with your past life (culinary school?). who knows. just sign up for something, anything....today.

set up your home and your kids rooms. focus on making your house a happy and comforting place to be for you and them. fill the fridge, fill the closets with clothes, paint and put up artwork.

get to know your new neigbors. invite them over to watch a game or have a few drinks.

get a pet ( a puppy will take up OODLES of your time and energy and thoughts).

start a garden in your yard, with your kids and watch them all grow.

pull out yoru calendar and make plans. call friends and book one night for dinner/movies, another night for poker, another night for the gym with the guys. something!
by paula1   24486 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2010 1:39 PM
11





The part about feeling incompete when it's parenting time is completely understandable.  What was once 24/7 is now just a few hours and that part sucks the worst.  You have got to stop spending time with the nitemare, just pick up the kids and go.
by Jamesalone   4936 Posts
Posted on 8/24/2010 1:50 AM
0





This is what I keep telling myself everyday:

It is very difficult to walk forward if you keep looking back.

The past is gone.  Neither one of us can change that fact.
We lost something that meant a great deal to us.  It will take
time for the pain of loss to soften.  Instead of obsessing over
what is lost, look to what lies ahead of us.  Fill the emptiness
with new sensations and soon your thoughts will dwell on
today instead of yesterday.
by WearyBear   12 Posts
Posted on 8/23/2010 7:26 PM
3





Mike- You are very right.  The only problem is I cannot resist the short term tmporary relief from pain that I get when we are all together.  It's the only thing that feels natural and alive.  There isn't anything else in my life I get that kind of satisfaction from.  Not even being with my kids.  I know it sounds strange and maybe even hard to believe.  Don't know how to get past this is all.
by gumboman   24 Posts
Posted on 8/23/2010 4:10 PM
3





As long as you are spending time with her, you are extending the time it will take you to heal.

You say your time with just your kids feels incomplete.  Well of course it does, if you are still spending time with all of them sometimes.  You and the kids have to develop your own routines together, your own "normal" without her in the picture.  Otherwise you will always be comparing your time to a recent one that included her.  Since you and the kids all still love her, the memory will win that competition.

 

Your time with the kids should follow a very regular pattern as much as possible.  You should figure out your menu plan for the weekend, fit around a regular set of activities. The activities (and the food) should be picked from a short but popular list.  Pizza and a DVD, stir fry and board games, whatever.  Don't forget regular short intervals for completing homework.

Stop hanging out at your ex's house.  You don't have to beep from the driveway, but go no farther than the foyer.  You can sit together at recitals or at the soccer game, but more than that is just keeping you from moving on.

by mike1493   3672 Posts
Posted on 8/23/2010 1:29 PM
3





I got over mine by remembering why we're getting divorced.

It may help to remember that somebody was sued here, and in my book, that's just about as close to as unfriendly as it gets.
 
Depending upon how long you've been in therapy, you may need to switch therapists. It happens. Also, try a DivorceCare group. You can find one near you online.

We're here for you!
by JulieG   5763 Posts
Posted on 8/23/2010 1:21 PM
1





I dont know if you do get completely over it. You still have a connection for many years to come and they are all reminders of what could have been, what should have been and what it wasn't. Just after a while you get tired of hurting or its like cutting yourself. After a while, the cuts dont hurt as bad as they did before and you almost grow numb, but then you cut yourself a little deeper this time and the pains come back. A part of you slowly dies until you just dont hurt like you did before. The scars get tougher. Its rough.
by Heartbrokepicker   683 Posts
Posted on 8/23/2010 1:15 PM
4







Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.

 
divorce Community::
popular blogs
I'm frustrated with the offer .. don't feel like I have a choice
Ok .. I need some honest feedback on these issues .. I don't trust my atty, not...read more 

Apparently I'm stupid .. yah ..
I'll let you know how that's working for my STBX .. LOL .. it's not. I...read more 

get/give answers
How do you deal with health insurance? Do you pay your former spouse for kids' coverage?
So my employer's insurance offerings are changing. They used to pay 100% of the...Read Answers/share yours 

Ex-husbands girlfriend is a sociopath
I have to ask how do you deal with a person who is evil and has changed my...Read Answers/share yours 

Advice please on how to address this situation with my ex
I will say up front that my ex and I don't get along.  At all.   We have...Read Answers/share yours 

expert Q&As
Faith Therapy : Does a Separation Work?
My Husband and I Are Having Trouble. Is It a Good Idea for Us to Separate?...read more 

Stress Relief: Tips to Help after Separation
Mental Health: Overwhelmed by Changes in Household Routine. What Should I do?...read more 

About Law: Do Divorce Kits Work?
Legal: What You Should Consider When You Think About Divorcing Using a Kit...read more 

expand information center
divorce360.com's ecards
divorce focused content ::
divorce most popular ::
1. Are You Reading Your Spouses Text Messages?
Stop! It May Be Illegal & May Hurt Your Case

2. Eager To Check Those Texts?
Think your Spouse is Cheating? Professionals Can Check Text Messages

3. 8 Things No One Ever Tells You about Divorce
Number Three May Surprise You

4. They Won't Leave? Now What?
You Want a Divorce, but Your Spouse Won’t Leave. Here’s How to Get 'em out

5. When Is a Marriage Worth Saving?
10 Things to Think About When Considering Whether to Stick with a Relationship