Do cheaters change at some point and not cheat again?

Hello,

I believe cheaters only change when they find someone worth changing for. And in most cases, once a cheater always a cheater!

Thank you :)

http://www.attyassisted.com/w_divorceterms.aspx"

I have seen relationships that have healed, even after one person cheated.  I suspect the reason that they did and could was 1) the person who cheated was not, as has been mentioned here, a serial cheater, but a situational cheater.  It took a lot of hard work.  It took tears and anger and effort. 

However, someone who is a serial cheater does it for different reasons than a situational cheater.  This person actively seeks relationship (if it can be called that) after relationship.  This type of person will cheat again and again.  He/she is never going to change because to do so, he/she would have to look inward and fix his/her own flaws, instead of seeking the thrill or solution in a new partner.

Well, I'm not sure what to really thing about cheaters that much.

I know that I have lost all my trust for my wife because she cheated on me. I don't trust her not to cheat again no matter what she proclaims, but that's based on her cheating for 10 years with at least 3 different people. What if I fell in love with a woman who had cheated in a past relationship, but no indicators she would do it in our relationship? Would I even give her a shot at us and trust her?

Well, what if she was d.u.i in her ex's car, would I trust her driving my car without concern of d.u.i? What if she was did jail time for robbery, would i trust her in my home and house keys?

For me, I can say about my wife cause I have lived it personally, but regarding another person, it's hard. I know they have done wrong, but I don't know all the details or full story, so I can not conclude anything. I'm just not sure what to think about cheaters and if they will really change and not cheat. Maybe it depends on the person and details. Maybe, I don't know.

I find all of your opinions fascinating....

People are all individuals and their reasons and rationale for their betrayals...  which are not at all limited to cheating...  are as individual as they are.

Some folks are capable of changing after a betrayal....  some feel a sense of entitlement in their lives and don't consider consequences...   possibly due to immaturity...   possibly due to dysfuncton or disease.   

I think if someone who has betrayed can begin to feel compassion they can understand the depth of pain they have caused another and make an informed decision as to future choices.  That increases the likelihood that they will choose wisely. 

I don't think we can ever say that a person will never betray.  If the situation is right I think  almost any person might take a serious betrayal type of risk at some point in their lives. 

We all have that dark side to us...  we are all capable of yielding to temptation under the right set of circumstances...   we are all capable of murder in that same vein. 

That is what makes us all human.

Yes I think it is possible for someone that cheated never to cheat again. Who knows what change of heart they may have. 
That being said I don't know if I found out someone I was dating cheated if I could continue to date them. Right now the pain is still to raw to know.

I agree with spaz (and some others). I believe that in most instances its situational.  Yes, there are serial cheaters out there that will always be a cheater. But, I truly believe cheating is a symptom not the cause.  If they are honest with their spouse and honest with themselves they will not always be a cheater. If they figure out why they strayed and work to fix it I believe the marriage can be saved and may even be stronger because of it.  I also think that if they look at why they cheated and after counseling choose to end the marriage that they can be faithful if the right relationship presents itself.

Yes there are jerks out there that no matter how good they have it at home will always look for excitement, newness that will always be the cheater.

I think that the one-time fling people, who realize their mistake, can be trusted not to cheat again.  And a lot of them are out there, having admitted the affair to no one, or maybe to one friend who was sworn to secrecy, and not to their spouse.

There are also the serial cheaters who stop cheating.  The ones that realize their weakness and resolve never to put themselves in that situation again.  Like a recovering alcohol who avoids certain places, certain old friends, etc in order to minimize the chances of falling off the wagon.  The recovering serial cheater avoids flirting, being 1 on 1 with the opposite sex, etc.  Not that the blame is on the situation, but that avoiding the situation improves the odds of them not being tempted.

This is a little off subject but I want to address what Dactyl said.

I think there's alot of truth to what you say Dactyl, but even if you don't know someone cheated, I do believe, it there is a lapse of moral judgement then it would be perceived in other areas of their lives.

What I'm trying to say is, my ex is convinced that under different circumstances I would be friends with the OW.  I don't think so.  She has lied to people within our community why she has moved here.  She's selfish, manipulative and unbelievably insecure.  She's fake and genuinely not a good person.  She does not have a good relationship with her children.  That would be a red flag to me right away.

Friendships develop due to similar beliefs, like values and mutual respect.  I have friends that have made some HUGE mistakes.  I have as well.  It's how you handle them and overcome them that reflects who you truly are.  It's called character.

So, even if you didn't know someone was a cheater, there would be signs in other areas of their lives that would indicate if they were truly a good person who made a one-time mistake or a serial cheater.

I hope that makes sense.

I do believe that, depending on the reason for the cheating and whether or not they are willing to be totally accountable- and other factors, that someone who cheats can be trusted again to not cheat.

This requires a lot of work on both parties ends.....and, not something to be entered into lightly.  But, I do believe it CAN BE DONE!

This is why I get SOOOOOOOOOOOOO irritated when people make blanket statements that "once a cheater, always a cheater..."  How do you know?  You may be friends with someone who had an affair, put their relationship back together and never told anyone....would you up and disown that person as a friend?  (I've heard some say that they wouldn't be friends with a cheater- unless they told you, how would you know?)

Funny.  I was thinking about this just this past weekend.  It occurred to me that more than 1/2 of the relationships that I've been in during my entire life ended by the other person cheating on me.  Yup, my marriage was included in that.  I've kind of "had it" with relationships and trying to figure out other people right now.  I'm taking a sabbatical from romantic involvement from anyone because I prefer a drama-free life right now. 

I have noticed that several of the girls I dated who cheated on me are happily married (at least as far as can be seen on the outside) or in long-term relationships, so doesn't look like the cheating is an ongoing thing. 

I was married for 30+ years. For the last 51/2 years of his life he was a serial cheater. We knew nothing about his double life until he died. Which he did before the divorce became final. He died of a massive heart attack at the ripe old age of 55.
Via his papers and emails, he was living with a gal for close to 2 years, she died, and 4 days later he was setting up a new lady. At the time of his death he was living with a gal younger than his son and seeing others. All the while he was involved with another lady for 5 years. There were many others--seems he slept with over 750 different gals in 51/2 years.
BTW, he was paying for this life style by forging his way into my family's accounts and not working (although he was an attorney). He would leave the house in morning and come home on the same train in the evenings. Never spent a night away for the house--thus the double life.
I had been wanting a divorce for 22 years and all I got when I mentioned it was abuse.
By reading his emails and posts --yes there are cheater sites out there--He was emotionally and mentally (and for all I know physically as well) abusing these OW  too.

So not only do serial cheaters never change, neither do abusers!

I agree with donw, iam and spaz....

I think of them as in two groups, situational cheater and serial cheaters. 

In a situational cheater, it happens with one person, and the affair either brings divorce or therapeutic structure to the marriage. 

The serial cheater, is concerned on the conquest of the next affair and feels justified in their actions.  Marriage is not the central theme in their lives or mind.

So my answer is situational cheater will change given the chance but a serial cheater is true to their colors, stripes or what have you.

 1st question
I really do not think you can answer that question until you know the reason it happened to start with
 yes it would depend upon true motivations.

 remorse??? leave off that part of the equation, i really do not believe that there is any true remorse, ( just my opinion)
 Doesn't cheat again ? that is perpetual, the end is not here yet.

 You both have to make it not happen again, that will take work, but i do believe it can be done

good luck to you

 

I agree with Spaz.  I never thought of it as entitlement, but that's what it is.  The old "you drove me to it, therefore, it's okay" mentality.  Those cheaters never take responsibility for their actions, never face their role in it, or put themselves through the rigors of change. 

I have seen people make incredible changes in their lives, so I do think it is possible.  For my ex?  It wasn't a possibility with me, since everything wrong in our lives was "my" fault.  I know that when he marries again, he will cheat again, because no marriage is ever perfection after the honeymoon is over. 

I think it's the exception, not the rule. 

cheater can change, and the only way they will change, when there is no more fun, they realize that the only person they are hurting is themselves, cheater don't commit to anything, but lies, lies keeps cheater going, eventually the cheater, will get tired, see! these people only let them do what you allow them to do, and some and thats when cheating comes in, an yes they gets away it big time, but yes later there conscience will eat them up, but it's up me and you are we really going to let this man/woman back into our live? thats a question we have to ask ourselve over over again, so, do cheater change? can a zebra change his stripes? a cheater will not change, it the lies.

My sister has been married a little longer than I have...

about 15 years ago, she had a brief affair. My BIL was pressuring her to have a family, she wasn't ready, they, in her mind, were still in the let's have fun and do things together phase of the marriage...one of his friends was in the same situation, his wife wanted kids...he wasn't ready...they confided in each other...and that comfort obviously went too far.

When I found out I gave my sister a week to end it and come clean to her hubs, otherwise I was going to seriously upset her apple cart.

She did, they went to marital counseling, they talked about the issues they weren't talking about before the affair happened. They learned how to talk to each other...they forgave each other for the wrongs and committed to working on their marriage...

that was 15 years ago, they now have three adorable boys and a very happy life...she never cheated again...

so can it happen? can marriages survive cheating and can it never happen again? Sure...but it takes a whole lot of hard work, and yes, true remorse for what was done wrong.

There is a difference between the ones who feel entitield to cheat, and those that just find themselves in a situation where it just happens due to the circumstances, and a level of immaturity I'd imagine....(and generally alcohol)

the ones who feel entitlement, I think wind up serial cheaters...when they realize it was their mistake, not something the spouse drove them to - it's salvageable if the wronged spouse wants it to work.

I doubt that the majority of cheaters WANT to change.  The payoff for them is too exciting--they are incentivized by their behavior and by much of society today.  Yes, I know we all here pretty much denigrate cheating behavior but it seems that the whole cheating scenario is glorified in the TV and film industry. 

Yesterday I watched "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin.  It was cheating-on-cheating payback time in this film.  Some funny and poignant parts to the film, but wrapped up in there were subliminal  (and some more covert) messages that the whole cheating thing is just sort of a funny, off-beat romp.  Kind of off-putting.

I don't think cheaters can be trusted EVER AGAIN! Once they cheat it makes it easier to do it again. Cheating is a character flaw. It's very hard to change your inner character.

I believe that cheaters can change, just like I believe that miracles happen. That miracle, however, will take a whole lot of difficult work on the cheater's part - looking into why they did it, and changing their attitudes. If they're not willing to do the work, it won't happen.

I think that they may appear to change.  Because they blame their affair on their partner I didn't get enough affection, or for whatever reason.  They don't look at what possibly they could have done to change their partners attitude toward them.  They don't look at why they really cheated.  Basically they don't fix their issues and they get excited by the quick fix...  The rush of a new relationship and the excitement of getting to know someone then when the newness wears off.  They start to look for that fix again.

I've never cheated, and can tell you it's just not in my character to cheat.  I could never.  I'd leave the marriage/relationship before it got to that point.  My conscience would eat me up!

What does that say about the flip side?  I can't comment on that.  But, I do believe people can change, they just have to have the desire to do so.

they never change, once a cheater always especially if they got away with it the first time.