want divorce but cannot leave kids - advice ?

Question:  Does she cook supper every night?

From experience:  working full-time and raising kids, and cooking supper every night is very draining.  She probably needs the sleep to keep herself together.

Have you tried:  At min. clean up the kitchen after supper for her, do some of the laundry and allow her to take a long hot bath?  Get the kids in bed yourself and then when your wife goes to bed at 8:00, go WITH her?

Give her a nice long massage WITHOUT any expectations sexually.  That means keep your hands away from the VaJayJay and boobs.  Don't turn it into "YOU WANT SEX!!!".  That is repulsive for a tired woman.  Really, just give her a good full body massage.  Sounds like she needs it.  After an hour, kiss her good night.  Then have breakfast ready for her and the kids in the morning while she gets ready.

Women get tired of doing everything all the time and we get worn down.  And we don't want sex because we would rather you help us with all the work we have to do every day so we can rest up.  Once we get rested up, we want to work on us.  We want to go to the gym, get our hair and nails done, go shopping... BY OURSELF!!!   Sometimes we cannot become sexual because we do not feel we are ready because we haven't devoted enough time to preparing ourselves.  If we feel confident, then we are more likely to jump your bones. 

So, step up, and let us take care of ourselves more.

I just came across your post and could have written some it myself.
My wife has a man(me) that can cook, clean, do laundry, at the drop of a hat, And i do it all the time. With not so much as a thanks. I help my son w/his homework, ride bikes with him, go to everyone of his multiple sports, volunteer w/the cub scouts, etc. All of this while she is on the phone w/her girlfriends. I will not put my sons second to anybody or anything. Am i depressed, yes. Do i miss my wife and our relationship, yes. So i do what i do for my kids.
I am 50 and she will be 44. She is regressing and acting like a high school kid w/her single friends. The only good thing about this, is that both of my boys see it and shake their heads.  The 20 yr old is pissed. cant believe how much time she spends on the phone and smoking outside..  There are times when im working late and come home to a messed up house, homework not checked, and no dinner the the kids. So i am the constant in their lives.
This is why i wont leave. And am trying to work on it. Even though she isnt. I can always say i did my best.

People here have given you a ton of good advice already.  Try some couple's counseling at least before throwing in the towel. 

If after that you find you still want to end your marriage, remember that you don't have to leave your kids in order to get a divorce. 

I would think that your wife is not the only one who could be suffering from depression.  Losing a job and going through bankruptcy must be devastating.  The financial pressure alone has pulled many marriages apart. 

Men ofter get their identity fro their jobs.  If you ask me what I am, I will say a mom---and I work as a tax specialist.  Men will say, "I'm a tax specialist."  Period.   When the job is gone, so is their sense of self.  Since you have lost your job, I would expect that you feel a loss of your masculinity as well, and may feel rejected when you try to regain it by asserting yourself as your wife's lover.  It is more damaging now than before when she said no, because now you don't have a job to feed your self worth. 

I may be all wrong, I don't know.  But it's something to think about.

She sounds very depressed.  The responsibility of a job, a household, dinner and homework is enough to push anyone over the edge. I feel overwhelmed and I have a partner that makes dinner every night. That is 1 thing less on my plate.

How about you pitch in dad. Take over the homework and dinner.

Tell you a little secret, the boyfriend once told me he expected me in the kitchen. I was about to go nuts till he finished the sentence drinking a glass of wine while he prepared dinner.... :-) 

It is the little things he does that make me want him at night. I look forward to our time alone.

You are describing me when I was married. I would crawl into bed at 8:30PM with a book and a cup of tea. The last thing on my mind was to try to be intimate with a selfish sob.
 With this guy I can be dead tired but ready for him....

Think about it.

I used to BE your wife.  I didn't have any interest in sex or plain being with my husband.  I didn't sleep all the time, I had insomnia- and he complained because I would try and go back to sleep after we got the kids off to school.  Well, HELLO!  I wasn't sleeping.  I was deeply depressed.  So much so that I quit eating and lost over 60 pounds in about 6 months.  It was a tough time in my life. 

I also carried a huge financial burden.  My ex had a business, but it was going downhill quickly.  I never knew from month to month if we would be able to pay rent.  I also hated my job. 

Finally, he fuigured out something was wrong, but by that time, I was pretty much done.  I did stick it out for awhile, but it killed me to do so.  His idea of trying to woo me again was to take me out and get me drunk.  Really?  I'm depressed and you want to throw a downer on top of that?  Needless to say, it didn't work.  Once he mentioned councelling, I was for it, but he always wanted to go to Christian councelling.  By that time, I was so over anything that had to do with his church, I rejected it. 

Anyway, I'm just saying, I know where your wife is.  And, it's not going to be an easy road if you are both willing to work and get back to where you once were.  Like others have said, don't make your kids your whole life.  Staying together just for the sake of the kids is not the answer (i know some would disagree).  For one thing, your kids will live with that tension, and that's never good.  For another, kids will internalize this and think they are being a burden to their parents.  Unfortunately- if you divorce, you are going to lose time with your kids.  But, please, don't use that as an excuse to stay in a situation where you are both so miserable you can't be there for those kids.  Did this make any sense?

Your wife is carrying a huge burden. There is no room in her life for happiness with all the problems you are describing., and on top of this you want out of the marriage. You are really describing a woman that you should be proud of.......full time job , 2 children , dinner on the table ,then 2 hours of homework with the kids.  STOP chasing her around the room with a boner............you help the kids with the homework and tell her to go get a manicure , do something to help her,  and give her some verbal support. Build your relationship back up. Your wife is a good partner.

You did not mention whether alcohol by either party is a factor here, or whether or not you still love her.
If you've been together 15 years, it is worth saving. Work harder at it. If she starts saying she wants
a divorce, wait until she asks for one at least 6 times before you cave in. But try to make it amicable.
Otherwise, its going to cost you a fortune in money, and with your relationships with
your kids, relatives and mutual friends. Do not ask any of her relatives to get involved. Even though
your intentions are worthy, it will only create rifts that you might not expect to see.

i'm so glad you posted this....welcome to jumping in at last...i hope everyone here can help.

you didn't say you were no longer in love with your wife.

are you?

what you are describing here can easily be attributed to depression, being overwhelmed with work, school, kids, finanical burdens, fear and exhaustion.  

so many parents stuggle with just plain old child rearing...but you've added on some of lives biggest stressors....moving, job loss, bankruptcy.  all that is missing is illness and death of parent.  when you are facing that many stressors in life, it is expected to be living a dysfunctional day to day life.

my suggestion is to get to the core of this situation...maybe with therapy....together and apart.

are you disliking your current situation or are you really out of love for your wife and life?

if this afternoon someone handed you five million dollars and all of your family burdens were wiped away in minutes, would you stay and see what happens?

do you think money / security would make your wife stay up a little later at night.....have more energy.....have less worries?

would you still be in love?

Hi LV -

I am a relationship counslor and divorce coach here on D360.

I am sorry to hear that you and your wife have grown apart.  It sounds to me like your wife is suffering from depression.  In depression sleep functions as an escape from the sadness of reality.

It is understandable that she might be depressed since you relate that you are currently unemployed and going through bankrupcy proceedings. 

It is likely that she feels overwhelmed by the need to be the sole breadwinner in the home.  This may not be the vision she had of her life when you and she married and she is having trouble coping with these changes. 

Those facts coupled with the bankrupcy proceedings are alot to deal with.  I don't know how long you have been out of work, but you mention that this has been going on for the last year with you two.  I assume that the financial difficulties didn't arrive overnight.  Apparently she has been greatly affected by the collapse of your joint lives. 

Women value safety and security highly in their personal lives.  It is likely that she feels emotionally abandoned in this situation and is hiding within herself. 

I suggest that you and she avail yourselves of counseling.  She needs a place to vent her anger and disappointment at what has transpired over the last years and you need to learn how to provide her with empathy.

I understand your husbandly needs...  but for now I recommend that you focus on other areas of your marriage first.  Your sexual relationship is a reflection of your overall relationship.  When you repair the underlying problems, the sexual arena will improve.

Best -
Lisa

If Divorce = leaving your kids to you then you do have a dilemma on your hands.   I for one do not agree with your view of Divorce (just for the record) but that's just me.  

Fun, laughter, companionship and happiness may still be possible with a lot of work from you.    Since per your post your wife is not interested in any of these things (which is extremely hard to believe but that's another response for another day), you'll have to build yourself a life that keeps you where you want to be (which is at home with the kids and your wife) but much more engaged in life.    

You can cultivate friendships with others by way of hobbies, sports, activities that involve other fathers (coaching kids' sports teams, volunteering at your kids' school, building box cars, leading scout troops, etc) and activities that involve family outings with other families.   Hiking with your kids and others and camping with other families are all very common and fun activities that families often enjoy together.    

There is much that you can do to expand your world (kids cannot and should not be your entire life) and create deeper adult bonds, improve your parenting (since you adore your kids this would definitely add greatly to your life experience) and add a whole lot of happiness and fun to your life. 

If you CHOOSE to remain married so as not to disrupt your kids' lives and keep them with you everyday then you forgo sex and female companionship until the kids are up and out.      Unfortunately life is full of compromise and sacrifice and you can choose to make these choices in the name of your kids and being a great father.  That's a noble and honorable choice to make.

Ask her to go to the doctor and get a complete blood screen, especially checking for Lyme disease. That's a lot of sleep.