if you marry again, what will be different?

I could maybe be married again, but the next one if there is one, better be able to see the future and not the right now.  I want someone to grow old with, not someone that just want to say they are old and still married.

I am getting married again to a wonderful man.  I decided not to hold what my ex did to me against my fiance.  And he knows that my trust was broken before and he never gives me a reason not to trust him.

On my wedding day, the priest asked my HB "why do you want to marry this person"...he replied, in front of about 200 plus guests, "I don't know."  Red flag?  I should've walked out of the church that very minute. 

Red flags were plentiful, but I thought, "aww, he loves me, he'll change." 

Will I ever marry again?  No.  Will I find love again?  Hopefully.  But a piece of paper is not necessary.

20 yrs. of control, however subtle, takes a toll on a person.  There are many ways to abuse a person without ever leaving a mark.  I will need plenty of time to recover.  He wants this all to be quick, just divorce and move on.  As he tells me he thinks he has 20 good yrs. left and wants to find a soulmate.  I want to keep myself out of horrible debt, and find some peace in time. 

Bless all of you on this site, it literally saves my sanity somedays.

If I fall in love I will mary. The question is will I fall in love again,

I will never marry again. I still believe in love, just not in finding it. And I'm finding it hard to believe in people, in the fact that there are any real, honest, good men out there. And i do know there are, some of the men on this site are the proof of it, but I've personally never met any. I will trust my instincts, and when I see one of those red flags, any of them, I will leave. I don't need that shit in my life or in my boy's lives. I'll never get married again, you don't have to be married to love eachother.

Great questions!

I have been married twice and certainly learned a lot from each.

As a 2-time loser in the marriage game, I still believe in love, just not sure I'll ever find the real thing for me.

I married way too soon each time, so if I ever think I am in love again, I have learned that I need to take my time and really know the person for a long time before even thinking about marriage.  

I would need to see how the person reacts in all situations and know everything about them - the good, the bad and the ugly before committing.  I agree with the comment about knowing someone through all 4 seasons, I think 8 is even better!

After much thought and soul searching, I do not see how marriage in this day and age really works or survives.

To me it is a civil institution--a way to keep civilians in line, maybe.

For myself, I think it won't happen again.  I'm not jaded, just sensible, educated, experienced.

A monogamous relationship someday?  Perhaps.  Who knows?

This is a great thread. I am married to a controller but I we are constantly in the throes of the big D talk. Red flags were waving like a flag in a hurricane but I didn't pay attention. He was extremely controlling, belittling, verbally abusive, incapable of demonstrating empathy, fake-nice to my family, then extremely cruel when they left, and used my most sacred secrets as ammunition in our fights. I will never tolerate this from anyone again.

Now, as far as what i'm LOOKING for, this time around, i must have a man of God, no exceptions. I want him to be my best friend and someone who I am not terrified to share my secrets with, for fear that they will "use it against me". He must love children, because I must say, my husband is a wonderful father, the best I've seen. He is just an utterly crappy husband.

I would definitely marry again. When my husband & I talk about divorce, he swears he will never marry again.

I won't say never, but right now I know I need to explore...to get out there, date and have fun.  To get involved in a committed, monogamous relationship now would be unfair to both myself and the other person...I'm nowhere near ready to be in a committed relationship.

As far as red flags go...I suppose I will be a bit more careful to look for them in myself, because those are the things that *I* can control.  Otherwise, I'm in agreement with Lisa...nobody is perfect, and the question is whether or not you can live with those imperfections or not.

I will say that one lesson that my failed marriage taught me that I will apply to every relationship in the future...I will put a lot more stock in effective communication!  We talked all the time, but not about the things that mattered...we were afraid how the other would take it...trying to save the other's feelings.  I can't afford to be afraid to speak my mind anymore because saying nothing can be just as disastrous as speaking my mind.  We both suffered in silence for a long time...I won't do that again.

IF I ever get married again, the one BIG thing I will look for is someone who allows me to be just who I am.  I am now back to being the girl I was 18 years ago and I will not go back to what I was at the end of my marriage. 

For the most part, I'm very happy being single.  I like the idea of being able to go out with different people.  I do have one friend who has become one of my very best friends and if a couple of years down the road we choose to be more than friends, I would be good with that.  And he would be, too.  However, I'm not sure I woluld take that step to marry again.  I have kids who are teens, why do I need a husband again?

I really haven't even thought about getting married again.  I don't have much time to think of myself.  My 10 year old keeps me extremely busy.

The "lists" of red flags to avoid and "things to look for" in a potential future partner scare me....because anybody can change.  My ex was everything I was looking for in a partner; I didn't "settle".  AND he was everything that I might look for in a future spouse....Unfortunately 5 years after we were married he made some very poor choices and for the next 20 years he became more involved in activities which eventually led to an addiction.  He is now a mere "skeleton" of the man he once was.  Life does not offer and "guarantees", no matter how badly we would like it to.  Prenuptial agreements, modifiable marriage agreements, none of it means anything.  God gave us all a free will to make choices, both good and bad.  Unfortunately sometimes those choices have a devastating effect, not only on ourselves, but also on those we share/shared our lives with.  There is no "heaven here on earth"......AND we cannot trust anyone other than Him, the one who created us.

When I first became separated I said I would never marry again. Now, I don't think I will, but I don't know what God has in store for me.
I want to be friends first, and let the relationship go from there. Intimacy will wait for awhile. I will get to know who that person is before I commit to a sexual relationship. I think if you become intimate to soon you are focusing on the wrong issues. 
I still don't think I will marry. I am not even ready to date. I'm working on myself and enjoying the process.

well, if i get married i will make sure its for all the right reasons. my marriage was not real for 14 years. i want to marry for real love. i know that marriage is a union and both must want the same thing out of that union. i want to marry again and i hope i will..

cherbear

I'm not divorced yet, but should be soon.  Our marriage ended due to his infidelity so trust is obviously an issue I'm working on.  I hope to have a relationship again but not so sure about the marriage.  I could see having a relationship and keeping our own places, but I'm early in the process.  In time my thoughts may change, but I'm 47, so who knows??

I don't think I will ever marry again. I suspect that marriage is not necessary, that society has outgrown that heretofore excellent institution, and that marriage carries some sort of a curse, since it tends to make the spouses take each other for granted and not stay on their toes to make the relationship work, spot trouble early, and take corrective measures.
That said, never say never. Should I get married again, I would wait perhaps 7 years before committing. I would make it a duty to study the woman in great detail, especially in her interactions with friends, with relatives, in adverse situations, and draw conclusions as to her reliability, her stability, her steadfastness, etc... Of course, everybody changes and that would not be any guarantee that things would turn out fine. That's why I would make certain that I have a prenup before the marriage, in case things do not turn out well despite all those precautions.

Yes...I would make sure that I would I would get as much love back from my husband as I would give.

I certainly don't discount getting married in the future, though I have to have gone through some possible candidates, first!  There are all the things that are important to me, like trust, integrity, mutual interests and compatability.  The only thing that may be a deal breaker for Mr. Right, whoever he is, is that I don't intend to ever change my name again.  I will be happy to be Mrs. Right personally, but my birth name is staying on all my legal documents.  I know it might sound silly, but I lost my 'self' somewhere in all those years, and it was very hard to regain that sense of self again.  I'm not changing my name, though I might change my status.

If I married again?  I wouldn't settle, and I would be open and honest.  I can't control the other person.  My first marriage was about him, what he wanted and needed.  I allowed myself to change to please him, which in the end didn't work.  What would I change I would change myself in marriage.  I won't let things go just to make things easier.  I will trust until the person proves they no longer deserve my trust.  I won't change that about myself, I care deeply about the people in my life, my mistake was giving that caring and love to someone who didn't appreciate me.  I will never settle again.

I love these thought provoking questions. I wish my therapist would get me to think like this!
Honestly, I am jaded, cynical, and bitter over my divorce. I am happy on my own ( I think). I do miss sex, miss checking in with someone, miss bouncing things off someone, but for that I paid a huge price! Alcohol, jail, gambling , infidelity, foreclosure and the poor house.
So ,to answer, what would be different?... ME.

I married quickly, because that's how I'd always imagined I'd find someone. Mistake. Need spend more less-than-ideal time with person.

I would look for someone who is happy with herself. When I met stbx she was living with a guy she cared nothing about. I thought I was different.. better. But everyone eventually comes back to who they are..

This might sound odd.. but I would like to find someone who doesn't throw things away right off the bat. My stbx was always ready to go out with the old and in with the new. This applies on small things in life.. clothes or foods.. but then it got applied to me. Suddenly I was the cause of unhappiness and two days after she first said the word divorce her ring was off. I thought: so that's what it's like to be a box of Luna Bars that gets tossed after only two bars are eaten.

Even though my EX promised the kids she wouldn't re-marry, I can't wait. I throughly enjoyed being married. My ex changed her values, goals, and morals from what I married and she was just staying with me for the money. So when she refused to seek help with me for the 5th time, I pulled the ring off. The back bone of a relationship is shared goals, priorities, interests, and most of all....RESPECT! I have found that and I am excited for my future.

Hi Paula -

Yes... 

I enjoyed being married.  Though I didn't enjoy being married to my son's Dad all the time, there were good times to be remembered.  Those are the one's I choose to recall these days.

Personally, I enjoy the security of a committed monogamous relationship and the company of a "best friend".  Although I might be able to get both of those things with someone and not be married, I find I like the idea of marriage.  It works in our society for health and financial benefit for both parties parts as well.  Married persons tend to live longer healthier lives.

I think it's a personal choice at this stage of life.  I am not having children any longer so there is no reason to consider parenting issues.  We keep our finances separate except for our one bill paying account, so money isn't an issue either. 

Red flags...   when we are working on recovery for ourselves there are red flags apparent in virtually everyone.  However, we learn  discernment...  which red flags matter most to us... which one's we can live with and which one's we can't.  

Looking for someone without issues of their own is fantasy.  The real solution is getting to know ourselves so well that we know what issues we can tolerate and what we can't.  

Best - 
Lisa

I am 2 years post divorce and now engaged to my fiance and will marry at the end of the summer.    We have known each other for about 1 1/2 years.

I am a very good judge of character so I'm not worried I fell in love with the wrong guy or made a bad decision to remarry (my ex is a great guy and fabulous dad).   This time around though I have a 7 year old daughter so I have to balance her, my ex's co-parenting efforts and my a new husband so things will be very different.   My first marriage was very mine, his and ours.   We were both very independent and very busy with our own careers so our marriage was at a center of a tornado at times. 

This 2nd marriage will be different in that I plan to slow down on my career goals and travels and be more concerned with our day to day life.   He is very laid back and supportive and very very smart and grounded so I think I need to live more in the moment with him than at lightning speed of my previous marriage.   

We have relaxed into a slow dance during our courtship and I like the feeling of enjoying the day rather than racing to get through it.    He keeps me grounded and I throw spontaneity and creative whimsy into his so its been a nice mix so far.   

What I have noticed is I take much more time and patience in communicating this time around.    Both my ex and my fiance are very down to earth, straight talk kind of guys so I have definitely learned to keep my communication clear and consistent.    But this time around I have the benefit of experience that should serve me well.

I am older and wiser this time around and hopefully can do a better job of addressing issues before they do damage.  I can't have more kids due to my old age (:-) and my fiance doesn't want any so blending families won't be a problem but I am sensitive to the fact that my daughter will be the center of our life and that will present challenges I'm sure but he loves her to death so we're off to a great start.

The x asked me to marry him after we dated for three days. We got married less than 4 months later. 
My friend married her high school sweetheart. They had known each other since childhood. They dated through college, then married.
In both our cases, the x got up one day and left. Both of us were totally shocked.
There are no guarantees in life. You can live with someone and still not know him. In both our cases, our marriages were very happy in the beginning. Then everyone commented on how much he must love me because of the way he looked at me and the way he talked about me.
I had no idea who he was. It wasn't lack of time. There weren't any red flags. She knew hers for a long, long time, all his friends and family as well.
You don't know. You can take a chance and possibly be happy and in love, or you can chose that you will definitely be alone. You could be happy alone. Most of us won't since had we been the alone type we would not have gotten married in the first place. 
My friend's mother finally left her husband in her late 50's. He'd cheated throughout their marriage. She found someone else and is now happier than she has ever been. May this be the story of all of us who are willing to face life as it is with no illusions and brave enough to take a chance.