My very controlling husband won't leave

my husband of 15 + years has decided that I am to FAT for him, I 'don't do it' for him andmore, and I ' No longer trip my trigger' oh, and he doesn't think I help out enough/keep the house dust free to his standards and does not like the way I parent OUR children ( even though I am usually the only parent they see except for weekends) SO, He wants us to Seperate/divorce, but co -exist in the same house for another 10 years until our youngest is 18, then sell the house, split the $$ and start our own lives. He wants me to pay more attention to him and still have marital relations with him, because if I refuse, he will be FORCED to find it elsewhere because he is that type of person, He 'needs someone to take care of me' as he says. Well, he has been NASTY, childish and downright hurtful, and I have not, I have been very respectful and mature about this all things considered. But I have refuses to have warm and fuzzy loving moments with him when he feels that way about me.......To this ofcourse i get the ' oh you blow things out of porportion' If I hurt your feelings, then get over it' I am 'Over it' I am OVER being manipulated and controlled by his threats of leaving and finding someone new. The last straws were the " Stop at half' remark he made about me loosing weight ( I am only a 16/18 ) , the comment that I dont want any of his sugar to the kids, ( WHO pulls kids into this kind of junk??!!) and then the Threat about going over the finances, and that he is starting his OWN little savings account. ( I am a SAHM, I had left work because he made life absolutly UNBEARABLE when I was working, I was told leave the job, or I am leaving you. I should have just let him leave. Oh, and when he said it was an ultimate show of DISRESPECT when I colored my hair brown from Blonde with out ASKING him what he thought. " I knew the day you colored your hair we would be ending soon' What an ass. How did I let myself get wrapped

ions regarding my own life.  I've taken a part-time job (against his will) and have now, just TODAY, retained an attorney.  I've asked him over and over to separate and he continues to claim this is MY house, these are MY kids.. You are unhappy, YOU MOVE.  The pressure is unbearable, I'm about to burst, I'm so ready to be out from under him.  I just found out he's ordered my cell bills from the last year, and may be even having me followed.  Uggggh, who needs this???
So yes, I feel for you. .I'm right there with you. .but I took a step TODAY.. and it was sooooo scary, but I felt a huge sigh of relief after I left the attorney's office.  In our state, there is a petition you can sign "Divorce From Bed and Board" it gives him 30 days to move.  If he doesn't it goes before a judge to decide which one of you has to move out.  I haven't filed that yet, I'm gonna ask him one more time for my space, to move out till I can get enough money to get a new house for me and the kids, if that's what it takes.  I'm only a part-time worker, but I don't care if I hafta live in a shack, I don't wanna be married to this many anymore.  Hold tight to your thoughts, stay the path, and continue to be strong.  It's taken me over a year since I first told him, to finally get the guts to start the wheels of progress.  He's angry, resentful, bitter ~ he says I'm mentally unstable, that all women over 40 either crumble or break out.. and that I'm trying to break out. .and with meds, I'll see how wrong I've been.  Ugggh, he's so thickheaded. I wish this could be a civil separation and I despise that once again he's trying to control me and my life by not helping me with this.  Good luck to you, I'll keep you posted and look forward to hearing your updates.

Kinda eerie how similar our situations are... my husband of 22 years and I are in the throes of separation dilemma.  He's very very controlling and no, I have no clue of our accounts and only one credit card that he scrutinizes each month.  I have no access to cash etc.  Last January (2007) I explained to him I had been unhappy for 4-5 years and was ready to change the way we were living.  At the time our 3 kids were 9, 12, 15...and I had given up my career at the birth of our first child to raise them.  He was angry at me, furious and when I explained that I wanted to be known as something outside of wife of... and mother of... that I wanted to bloom and grow as a person.. and shine.  His response was,"There's plenty for you to shine around here.. you can start with that chandelier and then the silver and the countertops."... I was crushed that once again my voice was stepped on.  It goes waaay in depth.  But I've been under his thumb for 22 married years and 5 years previous to that.  I was not allowed to be with friends, never allowed to shop alone, had to meeet him for lunch every single day for 17 years, he scoured my phone bills and questioned why I talked to so and so for this amount of time.. or why I spoke to the same friend twice in a day... after all 3 kids were in school, he began leaving me typewritten notes or handwritten ones with a schedule of what I should get done each day.  He' d call midmorning and say.. "Just calling to remind you to walk the dog." etc.. All my friends told me how bizarre I lived.. and they'd never put up with it.. but truly, I loved him and I'm a peacemaker.  I started seeing the light a few years ago, and tried endlessly to get him to give in a little.  He was always headstrong, and "you can marry someone else if you wanna live like that."... Well guess what?  I finally told him last April I wanted out of this marriage.  We've been to counseling and the sad fact is, I just want OUT.. I want to breathe, I want to make the decis

Many people like to write about their experience - it feels good to get it out, you know?  i would start a journal on this site - just start writing...  it will help, i think!

Thank you so much, pinkribbongirl, for responding and giving me confidence in myself and my lawyer. I am glad to know I am not the only one who has to deal with a wierd separation/divorce.

Dear Cagebird; I hear your song.I too have a very controlling husband and he refused to leave after i had ask him several times. We also have 3 kids, and his excuse was he didn't want to leave his kids.I threatened to go to the judge and get a court order to remove him from the house on the grounds that his presence there was causing extreme anxiety and tension in the home that was not in the kids best interest.I think he thought that i was bluffing but he must have checked with his lawyer and found out it was possible.My soon to be ex is also extemely controlling and very manipulative. He was constantly pushing me to go straight to mediatian, even to by pass using lawyers until the very end. My gut said don't do it girl he is trying to rip you off. He thought he was so suave,so convinvincing that i would go along with it. No way, it took me 19 years of marriage to finally understand i could not trust a word he says.Esp. when it comes to money.We live in fl which is a 50/50 state. But he wants his fifty to be alot fatter than my fifty.That's why it is absolutely critical that you have someone representing you that strong and won't back down. In fact, in our cases we need an attorney who is like a pit bull when it comes to standing up for her clients rights.My husband was also infuriated when he found out what my attorneys retainer fee was.But I knew I would need someone smart and tough on my side.If you really want out of the cage you will have to be strong, and tough even if its not in your nature.Once you do get him out of the house,only talk with him when it has something to do with the kids,period. Other wise he will do everything make sure he gets you to do things his way.He will even tell you how much he loves you and what a fool he has been! My husband has tried it all, unfortunately its more about losing half of HIS money than losing the best wife and mother he could ever hope for. I wish U luck, and strength and a way out of the cage .