I don't want to feel this way anymore

HI Terry -

I feel sad and weepy just reading your post.  Your children's Dad is manipulative.  It is hard to get out from under the thumb of someone who is so good at manipulating our hearts. 

A counselor can really help you sort through your feelings.  That is part of the answer.  In order for you to stop letting him control you, you need to own your power.  You can do that...  with some help.

I have a suggestion.  In addition to counseling... There is a wonderful book you might like,       Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie.  You might be able to get it at the library, but if you can afford it buy your own copy.  I read my copy with a highlighter and pen so I can make notes in the margin when things really strike a chord with me (the pen) and when some parts of the book jump out at me (highlighter). 

Keep blogging.  It does help.  You are NOT a loser...  none of us here are.  We are all winners, survivors, people who have come through the rain. 

I am always here for you.
Best -
Lisa

My situation is just the oppisite of yours, my stbx walked out on a now 16 year marriage and two teenage kids.  My hate for her and her parets is beyond words.  She has become demonic possessed, there is now was on earth she can be so cruel but she is.  I have been accused of abusing her verbally and sexually.  I say bring forth the proof, this crap is being said to the judge in order to play a sympathy card.  I have proof of her yelling at my kids.  She had dug herself into a very deep hole, I hope she keeps digging that way she could meet up with her daddy Satan, the slut.  Who's your daddy?

thank you Lisa for your comments.  You are right, I cannot and will not have sex with him again.  I knew when I did it, it was a big mistake.  He left me for a woman back in March and things between them became very serious very fast.  Fortunately, I never had to see her.  I knew of her, knew her name, and knew the things that my kids did with the two of them.  However, seeing this other woman at his apartment yesterday has been haunting me ever since.  It is so incredibly hard to see him with someone else.  Every time I think about it, I start to cry - my kids don't understand why I am crying all the time.  I know that I can't say anything about what he is doing as it will cause them stress to be put in the middle.  I am really struggling - I almost feel as bad as I did 8 months ago.  I am trying so hard not to let myself go back to that really dark scary place.  How do I stop giving him control of me???  I think the hardest part is knowing that he is happy and having fun w/other women and here I sit, feeling like the world's biggest loser crying my eyes out.

Terry,

HUGS to you! You pain is real and your kids are real...take care of you & them.  They love you and you them..he has shown he is incapable of love. Find a therapist that can help you!  

STD's are real...don't jeopardise your own health.  What kind of woman are these is beyound me..you don't see it but you do have strength..
 
Keep venting here..I found an incredible group of friends who helped me.

HI Terry -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360. 

I am sorry you are in so much pain.  It is sad that your former husband is cruel to you.  I would like to suggest that you refrain from having sex with him.  Sex for him, apparently, is just about having an orgasm.  Sex for you is about much more...  connection, love, intimacy and safety.  He no longer offers any of these things. 

Continuing to engage in sex with him can only serve to open you up to futher hurt.  It also puts you at risk for contracting an STD... since he is sleeping around...  It is, of course, your choice, but I don't see any benefit for you in making the choice to allow it.

Maybe the next time one of your kids leaves something at Dad's house you can have the child call Dad and ask him to bring it by when he goes out.  He can leave it either in the mailbox or your child can answer the door and take it.  This way you won't have to subject yourself to the flavor of the day over at his place.

I also suggest you get some counseling.  It will make the emotions you are facing much easier to handle and give you the tools to set effective boundaries with your children's Dad.  If $$$ is a problem look for clinics with sliding scales or a pastoral counselor.  If you want to chat, I am here.

Best -
Lisa

I know this is hard for you, I've been where you are.

Try not to think about his "new" life.  All that will do is eat you up.  Now is the time to focus on your children and you.

You asked how it is that he doesn't care anymore?  There is no simple answer, and yet there is.  It's because right now, he's only thinking about him.

Take care of yourself.  Don't dwell on what he's doing, it's counter productive.  Take steps each day to move forward.  Focus on your kids and yourself.  It will get better.

And we're only a computer away if you need to vent.

*Hugs*

Terry, I am so sorry for your pain.  Believe me, we know this pain, too, but it will get better.  In the early part, it's all one can do to get up and face the day, but little by little, your heart and live begin to heal.  You will begin to have good days.  Please don't be upset when you have bad days, even after things seem to be getting better.  It will happen.

We can avoid the pain, but not heal, or we can work through the pain.  We're here to help.  If you can, see a counselor or therapist.  If you can't afford this, perhaps a church offers counseling.  It will help give you an unbiased, uninvolved source of support.  I don't think I could have made it through the dark days, without the help of not only family and friends, but my counselor, as well. 

Also, there are support groups, such as DivorceCare, that can give you the help in real time that this group gives you in cyberspace.

Remember, the people here not only care, we're in varying stages of the same thing.  We're here to extend a helping hand, when you feel like you've fallen into the pit of despair.  We're reaching out.  You just have to grab hold of the hands and hang on for dear life!

Hi terryabcd, I am so sorry for your pain.  I know this hurts so much.  Unfortunately, there are no answers that can make any sense of why or how our husbands, or ex-husbands have decided that another woman can replace us.  The truth is another woman cannot.  I know this does not make you feel any better.  The only thing that I can tell you is as time goes by you will begin to feel better.  You have 4 children that need you and because they do, be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.  Find family, friends, support groups such as Divorce Care, and ask for help.  What about counseling?  Have as little contact with your spouse.  I know that is difficult because of the children. Only contact him concerning the kids.  Come on this site and vent here.  Give yourself time.  8 months is not along time when you have a so many years together and 4 children.  Try reading self help books, journaling, and talking to others who can be supportive.  Most of all do not beat yourself up.  There are many people here who's words have helped me and I can honestly say that I do feel better and stronger.  Stay strong and take care.