international custody dispute, feel hopeless

Husband is sitting in next room, i'm typing trying not to cry. I feel like giving up, and I've barely started.

A month ago he suddenly demanded a divorce and full custody of our 2yr old & 3 yr old, leaving me with nothing. I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child, which we both had wanted and knowingly planned, though now he could care less and doesn't care what I do with this baby/where I take it. I'm still living in our house, as I have no where to go, no money, barely enough money to buy food, and most importantly, he refuses to let me move out with our toddlers even locally. He is completely alienating me from our kids.

I'm not in the US, but living in his country, and I still am trying desperately to find a local attorney who can help me in court. A month of mediation was him demanding me to agree to what he wanted, and threatening me with court. He's alternatively nice to me, then treats me like the worst mother ever, but tolerates me mostly as he has to.

I just feel like giving up, he's already won. I'm the foreigner in his country, and he is already getting exactly what he wants, even without going to court, which I am trying to do but can't represent myself.

I feel so alone here, an American mom who just needs to hear that fighting for my kids is the right thing to do in this situation.

I've done nothing wrong, but he's making me feel so worthless. A court date will probably be 5 months away. By then this baby will be born, and maybe he'll try to take it too. I don't know what to do.

Before this he encouraged me to take the kids to the US, up to 8 months at a time as he was working on our house. Before this I was the exclusive child care provider, now he barely lets me see them keeping them in preschool from 7am til 5pm.

I just want to be able to bring the kids back to the US so all 3 can be raised together by me most of the year, with summers to him if I could trust him to not prevent the kids from going back to the US.

I feel he's overwhelmed, but he refused marriage counseling and every other compromise w the kids I tried to make, such as my living in his country w custody. I can't make excuses for him any more.

today I started crying as I couldn't afford to buy anything to make a Thanksgiving dinner, which upset me as it will be the last time as a 'family' for the kids even if it's strained.

by 2Dinosaurs 7 Posts
Posted on 11/6/2009 2:33 PM

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Answers for "international custody dispute, feel hopeless" (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

Ok first off, on the advice of the attorney, it's actually valid. There is NOTHING in the courts yet. You have just as much legal right to the kids as he does - you can take them anywhere right now and he really can't say boo about it. So if you can find a way to move out locally with the kids to have care and control of them - do it. Only allow him supervised visits with them and file for custody and child support with the courts immediately. He has no right to say you can't leave with the kids. None. Understand that. Find your backbone.

I get that you want to come back to the US, but right now, getting it via your initial divorce is probably not a possibility and you really only will have one realistic shot at it. You have to be strategic. You get custody with the provision you get the right to take them to the US on extended vacation to be able to have access to your extended family, then while on vacation you find a way to better your and your kids situation by living in the US then file for the change.

Document everything, his controlling ways, if he truly treats the new baby with contempt, that will go a long way in your favor. Start journaling (handwritten in a notebook - and dated) like a diary. No detail is too small.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2009 11:31 AM

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PS. I've tried so hard to live here and I've had some very extreme things here to deal with before this, including neighbors who hate Americans so much they've threatened me and tried to hurt me; and our house/property has been in a constant state of renovations, which was supposed to be only 6 months. Now this. While pregnant. While completely cut off from those who love me/this baby and our kids.

I don't want this unborn child being raised here in Norway, as neither my husband or his family seem to want anything to do with it, even though it is my husband's child. I don't want our kids split up; and I really do, for numerous reasons, feel that the best thing for our kids are my raising them together in the US.

I'm not trying to cut their father out of their life, I would hope he and his family will take the interest to call, visit, keep in touch via internet as much as possible. I had suggested he get summers, esp as he's let me take the kids to the US for up to 8 months at a time each year, before this. He is a good father, but this is not how to show it--treating me as if they'd be better off without me, when I've done everything from breastfeed to care for them most of their life, up until now, and only because he's put them in preschool 7am-5pm every day, etc. so that I can't watch them.

by 2Dinosaurs 7 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2009 5:16 AM

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I'm in the country Norway, in the city Bergen, county Hordaland.

The scariest thing is that I just can't find a type of local lawyer I need for this case (international child custody) so that I have any hope of being allowed to bring our 2 and 3 yr old back to America.

since I can't find that, I am assuming that finding a good local trial attorney is my best hope? That is what I am trying to find now. (local= this city).

I did find one attorney, and I like him, but I'm a little worried w some of the advice he gave me. Since my husband wouldn't let me move out w our toddlers even if I moved in the same area, this attorney told me to take the kids when my husband was gone one night. As a foreigner, imho, that puts me one step from looking as if I would kidnap them to the US. The attorney also would rather focus on my living in Norway where I would probably get full custody--but I want to come home to the US and be honest w the court up front. Even if I get full custody in Norway, it only applies *within* Norway, I would have to get a court order from Norwegian court to even take the kids for visits abroad. So it's not easy, whatever happens.

Esp that my husband is usually outwardly nice, polite, honest, a good parent etc. No one sees how he's treating me out of view (no he's never hit me, never cheated, isn't an alcoholic, he's just alienating me from the kids, and similar things).

by 2Dinosaurs 7 Posts
Posted on 11/10/2009 5:01 AM

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2D - it's hard to give you any advice or other options/help when I don't know where, exactly, you are....

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 11/9/2009 4:11 PM

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No, they won't help, I've already asked. They were nice, but they can't help. Thanks though. I am trying to find a good trial attorney locally, and doing everything else I can, but some days I just feel like it's hopeless.

by 2Dinosaurs 7 Posts
Posted on 11/9/2009 3:50 PM

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call or go to the american embassy in the country you are in, they have legal resources to help.

by spaznskitz 7745 Posts
Posted on 11/7/2009 12:02 PM

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