Confused/Insecure?

My wife and I have been together for 16 years - married for 11 of it.  For my part, it's been great - up to the last year.  I know all of this is told from my perspective and hers is likely very different, but equaly valid.  We have 3 wonderful children.  Their ages are:  9, 6, and 4.  So just over one year ago, my wife asked me if I would mind if she went to Europe (where she is originally from) by herself for a family wedding.  She hasn't kept close contact with her extended family, so I was supportive.  I asked if she would like for me to go (since I had never been), but she said she wanted to go alone.  So she went, and came back a different person.  When she came back she acted distant.  She spent hours on facebook and chat programs.  She started staying up late at night.  She didn't want to do anything together.  All the signs were there right in front of me, but I either didn't want to - or couldn't see them.  She told me she wasn't "in love with me".  Asked me to stop telling her that I love her.  Then - the laundry list of things I did or didn't do.  I was confused and terrified.   Then, the day before my now 4 year old turned 3, I found out that she had been exchanging explicit emails with an ex-boyfriend - even before going to Europe.  I confronted her and at first she denied it.  Eventually she admitted it, and sent him an email saying should could have no contact with him.  Unfortunately, I now know this was just a show for my benefit.  During all of this time, this was the worst pain I've ever had to deal with.   It felt compounded because my job requires me to travel.  Spending nights alone in a hotel while you ponder why the person you dedicated 16 years of your life to seems to not care if you even come home (which she in fact told me once) has got to be worse than any torture ever conceived.   By this time I had already lost plenty of weight, sleep, and sanity.  Before I found out the truth, my wife had been saying she needed to move out.  Her reasoning was that she loves me - but not like she should love a "husband".  I was lost. Once I found out the truth, to my surprise she became more insistent on moving out.  Then, I was devastated.  I begged her not to leave.  She said she was too ashamed to face me.  I dutifully played the part of the fool and supported her.  Even bought her a mattress.  The kids were predictably very upset and sad.  We told them together that she would be moving out.  Everyone was upset except for her.  Recently I found a letter my oldest son (9 yrs) wrote back then where he pointed out that very thing.  "Everyone was crying", he wrote.  "But mom just sat there".  She moved to a nearby apartment.  And 2 to 3 weeks later, I discovered that she continued to talk to her ex-BF everyday.  Finally seeing that the line between a great husband and a sucker is measured in hairs, I contacted her to let her know we needed to talk.  I confronted her - again.  Calmly told her it was over.  I knew she had been talking to him still everyday.  I told her I suspected she had even gone to see him while in Europe.  At this point she broke down and had a change of heart.  She admitted to seeing him in Europe and having a sexual affair.  She said she was tired of lying to me.  She wanted to work it out.  She wishes I would give her "one more chance".  I love her so, and my kids... I agreed to give her one more chance and work it out.  I forgave her.  The coming months were very rocky.  In fact, she moved back to her apartment one more time because of shame and tension around us working through and talking about what happened - which she didn't want to do.  She would much rather I just forget it all happened.  However, she only stayed a week.  She refused to see a counselor with me.  She believes this is a private matter and no one should know.  Slowly, things have gotten better.  She moved back in - cancelled the lease on the apartment.  Yet things still haunt me.  In the midst of all of this, my wife found other friends she had fallen out of touch with through the years.  A large portion of these friends are men.  I'd like to think that wouldn't normally bother me, but after what I've gone through it does.  She thinks that is ridiculous.  But I try to be understanding.  In fact, I've gone to Europe with her twice in the last year and met some of the friends.  They are all good people.  I still deal with two primary issues.  I don't know that I'll ever trust her as much as I once did.  She expects me to just forget it.  Right now, I still like to know what she is doing sometimes.  I feel this is normal in any relationship.  I want to be a part of her life.  I try to give her "space" - but it's hard.  That brings me to the part I have the biggest problem with... After all I've been through - I would have expected her to be considerate to me.  She has changed in some ways, but when things bother me - I know I can't talk to her about it.  It may be that I see it as I have healing to do and need her help.  I think she feels I just need to "get over it".  Little things bother me.  Recently, she posted lyrics to a song in her language that translate roughly to "You never loved me like he loved me".  I think it is quite understandable I found this disturbing.  I know you should choose your battles carefully.  I chose this one.  It blew up into a huge fight.  She is tired of me "checking up" on her like she is a kid.  I really don't feel as though I do this.  This was on her public Facebook page.  I don't read her email, check her phone - anything (but yes, I used to).  I do ask her from time to time.  But I just asked her what that was about.  I told her I would think she could be a little more considerate with things like this...  Her reply, I don't feel the need to explain myself to you.  It escalated and she hung up, and refuses to talk to me.  I know I'm not perfect.   I would have thought that if you truly loved someone, you would be considerate of how your actions make that person feel.  You would want to make them happy.  At times I wonder if she stayed with me because she loves me, or because the other guy decided he couldn't leave his family for her (which I know from her emails/chats was what he said).  It's little consolation that I am better than being alone.  I don't know what to do.  She wants everything kept private.  But I can't talk to her.  she is tired of me checking up on her - which I don't think I do - and even now she goes out with friends at night, chats and talks with friends, etc... I have NEVER tried to tell her what she can or can't do - even before all of this.  I just want some help.  Ironically, she has no problem showing emotions and feelings of love to her friends that she hasn't even seen for 15 years.  I feel like their was a game or contest going on that I was unaware of, I lost and got sent home with a consolation prize in place of what was a wonderful marriage.  I love my wife and though I can imagine life without her - I don't want to.  Yet, I can't imagine living like I am walking on eggshells.  At times I think no matter what I do, I'll be miserable.  I hope all of you that have worked it out are happier than you have ever been.  It's what I was hoping for...