IS IT CONFUSING TO THE KIDS TO STILL DO THINGS AS A "FAMILY"?

How I am handling this is upfront having the conversation with the kids about what they can expect from their new family.  Once this is established doing some things together as a family is o.k. and good for the kids to see that both of you will make some effort to be congenial with one another for the kids sake.  It's called demonstrating grace.

However, these family times should not include times together in the home other than for holidays.
This is what confuses kids.  As for your seven year-old, these comments are normal, but I sure the at-home dinners don't help as he is too young to understand.

Lisa, thanks for the objective viewpoint.

I will think hard about how it makes me feel and if I have any alterior motives for doing it.

I think the point about eating out to even out the balance is good advice.

thanks again to everyone for their views.

Hi TeTe -

am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

There is no right answer for your question. Your kids would be asking you and their Dad to get back together regardless of how you acted toward one another. It is the fantasy of every child of divorce that their parents re-unite. Some kids do some extreme things to try to get their parents to get back together.

As to doing things together as a family for the benefit of your kids... I don't see any harm in it... as long as it isn't harming you to do it. You mention that it takes all your energy to hold back your anger. Are you being harmed? If you can say you are honestly doing it from your heart... without resentment... expecting nothing in return but happiness for your children... I see no real problem. I am not really getting that feeling from your post.

Think carefully about it. There is no hard and fast rule. When parents are happy, whether together or apart, kids are happiest.

Your kid's Dad is living a double life, but that is his problem, not yours, and if the kids eventually ask him about his double life it will be his problem to explain it to them. 

When they ask you, I suggest you tell them that Mommy and Daddy don't live together anymore but that doesn't mean that we both still don't love you. The unasked question your kids have, as mentioned above by ABrenner, is whether or not you can divorce your kids too. That is their underlying fear, so if you can address it directly in age appropriate language, that might be a good idea.

The real truth is whatever suits the two of you and benefits the kids is fine as long as everyone is on the same page and no one is being hurt.

You might consider not having meals together in the home.  If you guys are going to eat together, having dinner out is much less intimate and leaves no one doing the work of preparation and clean up.  It's fairer and more balanced.  

Best - 
Lisa

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone.

I think there are several reasons for being where I am now.

One of them is that the kids have continued to beg me to go to all these things.  And for some reason, I am scared that I will look like the bad guy for not wanting to go with them.  At least that's how they make me feel.  The consequences of my husband's actions are that it only hurts them - and that is what in the end makes me go with them when they beg me to go.

All the books say - explain that we will always be a "family".  I never understood how, why the books always said to tell that to my children.   I really want to tell them that their father destroyed that.  He is no longer part of this family.  That the three of us are a family in every sense of the word....but parenting books strongly recommend against that.

Thanks for the input....I will have to do more reflection and seek my counsellors guidance as well as the children's counsellor's advice. 

I just thought I could get feedback from other parents on what things they still do together.

Enough with the family outings.  You are no longer a family because of your husbands actions.  I agree with Kevinwo on this one.

I am in a similar situation in that I caught my husband having an affair and he now doesn't have anywhere to live.  He works in Europe for twelve weeks at a time and would then be here for two weeks in between.  His affair is taking place over in Spain so when I caught him, he wasn't prepared and had no plan in place for somewhere else to live when back here.

The one and only time that he came back here since, he stayed at a hotel but came over to the house and visited with our girls here.  We even all went to Six Flags one day.  But, at the end of the three day visit, I realized that it wasn't really the healthiest arrangement because it made me highly emotional and it made the girls think that things were going to be okay.

The next time he plans to return is not until Christmas.  I had a discussion with my girls about how they feel about it.  They are 17, 11, 10 and 7.  They all agreed that things are not the same and they do not want any of us to try to pretend any different.  So he will not come over here on Christmas Eve and sleep over.  He will take them out for an early dinner, bring them back and then he can come over later on Christmas Day. 

He made the choice to do this to our family.  So now, unfortunately, the consequences have to be faced.  He is not happy about it because he truly thought that he should get to do whatever he wants and still have all of us just here at home waiting for him.  But my girls are strong, smart young ladies and they will be able to take what comes as long as it comes slowly and calmly, which I plan to do everything possible to ensure.

I think I would not do things as a family except for maybe birthdays etc. Right now you are giving your stbx stability in your family life, he has his cake and is eating it too! In order for you and your kids to start healing- stop going with them on their outings. I know of some that keep doing holidays such as Christmas together- but I would limit these activities. Maybe little by little so the kids ease into it.
If he shows no signs of coming back and working things out- you need to move on!At least that is my opinion!
Hang in there!

Here's the hardest one to learn: you are no longer a "family".  

If he's visiting your home to visit the children, let them go out to dinner or to movies without you.  Make that their time with their father and they'll begin to understand that those amazingly fun times with mom and dad are only because dad leaves at the end of the afternoon.

Good luck!!

You are supporting ridiculous endeavour.  The way we handle our problems define who we are.  Your husband has commited the worst act next to murder, adultery.  He has been unfaithfull to you and your kids.  By your actions you appear to be supporting him.

Kids (adults too) need love, security and excitement to be happy.  They are most certainly confused about this arrangment and you in fact, are placing them in the middle of this conflict of interest.  It is you who must develop values that your children can appreciate.  You must enforce the consequences of his behavior by action.  Keep your kids out of your problems, and tell them only enough their young minds can comprehend.  Donot participate as a family, because you are not a family anymore.  He can have his time with them, but you shouldnot be present.  Never trash your husband to them, as they will come to their own conclusions in time.

This present arrangement is damaging to them and to you.  You need to cut ties with him, only have discussions regarding your kids, period.  Allow your kids to see the new family structure resulting from divorce.  They will adapt as they are young and have the abilities to do so.  You must be the strong one to enforce the correct principles pertaining to these new circumstances.  If you continue to approve if what he has done by your actions, you will cause lasting harm to them and yourself.

I think that it is sweet that your 7 year old talks to you about staying with his father.  Sweet, and really, really normal.  I think that most little kids want their parents to stay together and not get divorced.

That said, it couldn't hurt to talk to your kids, at their age levels, about what divorce means in terms of marriage, and how the relationship between you and their father may change, but NEVER that the two of you are their parents and will be a family always, no matter what (sorry, but it's true).

I am a proponent of doing things together as a family once the children are told about what families can look like.  You know, the "some kids live with just their mommies, some kids with their daddies, some kids with their grandparents, some kids..." kind of talk.  But most importantly is affirming and reassuring your children that the two of you love them and that will not change, nor will you allow the fact that the two of you are no longer a couple (I told my daughter that her father wasn't going to be my "boyfriend" anymore) but will ALWAYS remain their parents.  I may be mistaken, but I believe that most child developmental specialists believe that this is what the kids are really aching to hear.  As in, if you can divorce eachother, could you divorce me?

I think it is great that you do things as a family, and hope that you are able to continue that as your children grow up.