Mediation Date Finally?

My husband sent me an email today telling me his former attorney sent him an email telling him a mediation date has been scheduled. I'm the one that filed but my attorney doesn't keep me up to date on anything. I find out from my husband.

I was going to fire my attorney but with the ball rolling now I guess I should keep him.

I have been trying to sit down with my husband for over a year to write down what we want out of the divorce together and work this out before we go to court.

In the email today, he asked me to write down everything I was wanting to take to mediation. He is trying to trick me isn't he? He wouldn't do this with me privately before or after I filed. He told me he wanted to be friends last fall when I told him I wanted the divorce and he was going to work things out with me before we got lawyers. Then he said we can't do it during the holidays. I waited the holidays out and he didn't try to work out anything with our relationship except make me feel bad. Well, that was a year ago. I filed finally in April because he wouldn't work with me and he has been moved out of the house for over a year. Here we are again during the holidays going to mediation.

I'm going to tell him, that is what mediation is for. We pay $2700 for setting up mediation. $200 for his attorney. Then $400 for paperwork that gets filled out. I think we need to use all our time at the mediation. We paid for it. We get all afternoon if we want. Been there once already but I had put paperwork in from my attorney weeks before the last mediation stating no further actions were to be taken on this divorce because my husband wanted to work it out. They wouldn't cancel the mediation in July for us so we went and did nothing because we wanted to reconcile. I got the same behavior from him when we were trying to work out our relationship so I went back to my attorney. He took my 2500 this time and pushed me out the door. Said it was going to court. I told him I wanted it to go back to mediation. He wouldn't listen to me. Just before I was going to the mailbox with my letter of questions for my attorney since he wouldn't make an appointment with me I got the email from my husband. This time I am not going to back down. Too much stress on the family and my husbands behavior doesn't change. He says he loves me but his actions speak louder. I have been told he is narissistic? He likes to talk about himself and boast how good he is. He doesn't see when things are wrong outside his world. So therefore there isn't a problem. He says this is my problem. Well, my problem...I need to deal with this the best I can. I feel I am doing the right thing. Anyone disagree?

by Jenny38 18 Posts
Posted on 11/3/2009 6:26 PM

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Answers for "Mediation Date Finally?" (1) (You must be logged in to answer)

Jenny, you are absolutely right for saying that this is "your problem," in that you can't control his behavior but you can control yours, and that gives you the power to create a settlement that achieves your goals. Even though your husband won't agree to work with you to define your goals for mediation before you go to your session, you definitely need to do this for yourself. I'm writing a book right now based on my experience as a divorce mediator, and I'll tell you the key to coming out of mediation successfully: decide beforehand what is most important to you, and what you can let go of. Create a "Divorce Mission Statement" where you write down the top three things you want to be true after your divorce ( for example: you have a cooperative, respectful relationship with your ex-husband, you held onto the sentimental items most important to you, you did not go to court), what you will do to make those things true (avoiding self-destructive behavior, changing your behavior instead of manipulating your husband, focusing on your own goals instead of punishing others), and how you want to feel (excited about your new single life, comfortable with mutual friends, being happier after the divorce than before.) Also, think more specifically about your vision of your life after your divorce - your goals for your relationships, your finances, your health? Think about the really big picture...what will matter 10 years from now. That will help you stay focused on a settlement that will stick instead of getting mired in the details.

by PeaceTalksMediation 3 Posts
Posted on 11/4/2009 7:57 PM

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