feeling sad most of the time

it takes two to make a marriage work.  no matter how hard one works, it still takes two.  a lesson hard learned by myself.  don't beat yourself up... like i did for toooooo long.  obviously you were the one that was committed.  and now you are the one who mourns the lose of the marriage more.  get into divorce care.  it was good for me, and there are good people there going threw what you are.  start thinking about tomorrow more, and less about yesterday.  and enjoy every minute you can with your kids.  my one is 20 the other 16,  it comes too fast.  don't waste time worriing about the what ifs in life.  learn what you can from this and make up your mind it will make you a stronger and better person.  live, and start looking for the joy in each day.  make that your focus.  i know.  easier said then done.  baby steps.. like in the movie "what about bob".  which if you haven't seen, rent it , its good for several laughs.  and that is what you need now.  more laughs, more joy.  let the pain of the past go, and start getting excited about tomorrow.  i have been slowly getting my act together.  but i am genuinely excited about tomorrow, and all the others to follow.   i wish you good luck, and am sorry for the pain you are in.  it will lesson with time.  gl

Hi Lisa -

I got mixed up in my post and wrote to Kitty thinking it was you.  I didn't scroll far enough up the screen to get the name correctly.  I apologize.  The post should have been written to you, Lisa. 

Best -
Lisa

(continued...)

In the process the prey ends up believing all the things said by the abuser because over time they have become the enabler... allowing the abuse to continue. Why does the prey become the enabler?  Because they are so shamed by what is happening to them...  they are often too ashamed to tell anyone what is happening or how they feel.  Their silence becomes a trap for themselves.  When the relationship ends, folks are shocked to find out the truth.  Some even refuse to believe it. 

So, Kitty...  the story ends here and the final answer is...  find a counselor with whom you feel comfortable and can share all the shame of what you endured so you can rebuild your self esteem and begin to feel like a whole person once again. 

This is a recovery path that takes a great deal of work and time.  I have been on this path for over 10 years already so I walk the walk, not just talk the talk.  If I can do it...  you can too.

Have faith and take it one day at a time.

If you want to chat, I am here.

Best -
Lisa

Hi Kitty -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

First an aside to BillyBoy -
people shy away from a person who seems like they have nothing but problems but they are attracted to a person that looks like they have their shit together. its your choice sit there and complain or do something about it
This site is a safe place for folks to be vulnerable and vent. They can be strong "out there" in the real world, but here they can be weak, hurt and fallible. It is okay for Kitty to come here and say whatever she needs to say to get it off her chest and feel better. That is why we are all here... same goes for you. You can come here, vent, be weak, complain and be fallible too ...and we will offer you support and love as well.

Kitty - I imagine after finding the stuff about your stbx on the internet you felt terrible. Please understand that you had no choice but to leave. A man who batters you, whether it's physical, emotional, financial or psychological has already broken his vows when he does those things.

Your relationship was over a long time ago. The effect abuse has on your self esteem over time is shattering. Abusers take great pride in their ability to manipulate their prey. They can convince the person they are abusing that they (the prey) are at fault and if they would only (fill in the blank - clean the house, cook dinner, have sex) then the abuser would not have had to (fill in the blank - hit, curse out, take $$ away, stonewall).

Over time the abuser convinces the prey that they are at fault... and that they did everything wrong causing all the problems. Once the abuser moves on to new prey he/she has to convince everyone else that the last partner was defective in some way to cover their abuse.

(continued...)

The other posters are right. Make yourself stop looking for things you don't want to see. It is a waste of your energy and you need your energy to heal and start your new and improved life.
My ex used to love to email me about his wonderful new life and his fabulous girlfriend who was so much prettier, thinner, more fun, and didn't have all the "excess baggage" that I did. She was a much better mother and made a lot more money that I would ever make because she was so much smarter than me.  What a dream girl.  He told me daily how great his new life was and how he didn't miss me and wished I would have left him years before because now he was soooo free.  I never responded except to ask if his new life was so great, why was he always on the computer emailing me about it rather than be off living it. 
Anyway, after about 6 months, the new gf started showing her true colors and boy did she end up having a lot of baggage after all.  He eventually had to get a restraining order against her because she kept coming to his work and causing a scene. She wrecked his car (the one that he cashed in his 401K to buy) and stole all kinds of stuff from his house.  Too funny.
My point is, don't always think that he's got this fabulous carefree life full of love and fun and sex.  You really don't know.  And if he does, who cares.  You live your life and don't worry about his.
Hang in there.  It won't last forever.

How did you find this information about the two of them?  I know this sounds harsh, and truly I don't mean it to be, but don't ask the question if you don't want to know the answer.

It doesn't matter what he thinks about you, or what she thinks for that matter.  You have to decide if you want to live your life thinking about what happened and being sad, or figuring out what will make you happy and move forward.  I know it's not easy, but I know it can be done.

I wish you well.

I see the direction the current is taking the rowboat, but I sense a lot of undertow and cross currents below the surface.

It sounds like you had good reasons for divorce, but a lousy reason for putting it off so long. The best way to get a better life for you and the kids was probably to leave him and move on. Whether you deserved it or not, a better life with him wasn't in the cards. You managed the first part, so now go and succeed on the second part!

I wonder how merely "surfing the internet" took you to this information and his blog? I suspect you were "searching the internet for information about him and his current woman". Is that closer to the truth?

If so, why? Did you honestly expect to find only information that would make you happy and wonderful? I doubt it. So don't be surprised that what you found leaves you feeling bad/horrible.

So, why look? That is not an easy question to answer. But try to be honest with yourself. What feelings drive you to care about how he makes things seem, who he is with, what lies he is telling his friends?

I suspect those feelings (or perhaps some related unresolved issues) are the "bogeymen" keeping you from moving on. I suggest doing counseling for a while to identify and resolve these things. But if that is not practical for cost reasons, there are many on this site capable of offering useful advice and opinions, but you need to identify a "bogeyman" to discuss.

If he truly has an abusive bent, it will rear its ugly head again sometime in the future. Let that be your revenge on his new woman.

As to "why me?", I'd say because he's a jerk, yet you picked him anyway, and then put up with him for too long. Me saying that is the pot calling the kettle black, though (i.e. "ditto").

Please think about the underlying feelings about him and the divorce that are contributing to how you visibly feel. And ask about them; we're here to help.

Take care.

i wouldn't worry about the kids being taken the judge sides with the mother 99% of the time unless he proves you unfit.  you say he does not help you - financially?  State child support offices are ruthless these days.  if not finacially you are on your own, you have to fend for yourself and make it anyway you can..  your children will grow up to know the truth.  if he is living with this woman he has taken the step of no return the more time you spend hoping he comes back or thinking of him at all is wasted time, he is where he wants to be.  people shy away from a person who seems like they have nothing but problems but they are attracted to a person that looks like they have their shit together.  its your choice  sit there and complain or do something about it