what to do

Nice to know there are men out there who consider a woman's body just a place to put a penis. An 18-month affair, with 40 minutes of physicality.

You let a customer pay you and then suck you off? You know what that makes you, right.

You didn't end it on your own. You got caught.
You don't think it was wrong.
You are so thoughtless of another person that even though you've been intimate with her, you could care less if she dies.
You blame your wife for your actions. You don't take responsibility for yourself.
Fix yourself. She has excellent reasons to not trust you.
It sounds like you tried to fix the marriage. I'm not sure you can without taking responsibility for your actions and without her wanting to make it work.

That may have sounded strong, but there's only so much a man or woman for that matter can take!!  A man needs his wife, a wife aught to need her husband.  When that dynamic doesn't exist, then couples counciling needs to take place AND FAST!!  I tried to get help for us but she turned it into, "He was an asshole!!  He didn't do anything for me!!"  I then gave her the freedom to find a couples therapist on her own and I would agree to follow, but she never took the initiative.  I recently emailed/text her and suggested that if I got a therapist, would she go?  She never even responded.  Just so rude!!  I don't repsond to her in a way that her behavior would warrant because she is so crafty and devisive that my head ends up spinning from her nasty attitude.  It has turned me passive because when I do try and discuss back (fight) I'm usually backed against a wall in defense mode.  She never considers a different perspective other than her own.  At this point, I'm living in the house and when things get bad, I go to my parents just to give us some space.  We are all suffering due to inaction on my part to do something about it... (Not tolerating her neglect of emotional support of our family.  She is not invested in US and I've had to simply accept it.  That is why I haven't felt bad about what I mentioned before.  Also, I feel she has already cheated, but I have no proof, only the feeling that she has based on years of getting home late and catching her in lies. 

Hi Lisa and Billy Boy.  Perhaps I can offer some insight into this situation.  I am having problems in my marriage of 17 years where my wife over the course of 11 years has painfully backed away from me despite my efforts to hold us together.  She has done everything in her power to tear my self esteem apart as a father, a husband and simply as a person.  She is perfectionistic over me regarding the kids and the house.  So when anything is out of place, it has been her nature to impose her wrath on me and the kids.  Consequently, because this has been going on for so long and she has rejected me physically, I have begun the thought process of separation and divorce, hence leading me to this site.  And during this process, several opportunities have presented themselves for mutual gratifications.  I took them and feel no remorse.  I've justified them because of being so rejected in front of my own friends, family and children for so many years...  I've wanted relationship with my wife, but have been consistently been minimized.  A common habit of hers is to text on her cellphone during family interaction in front of me and the kids FOR THE ENTIRE TIME WE ARE IN THE HOUSE TOGETHER!!  WTF!!

Billyboy,  did you just say that you could have missed the funereal of a person that you had an 18 month affair with and not have felt bad? What kind of person are you?  I hate cheaters, but worse than cheaters are cheaters who are really just users.  And worse than users are people who seem to feel no remorse.   I can't help but notice that not once in your post did you mention that you actually felt guilt or that you accept that you did a terrible thing.   Are you sorry that you did it or sorry that you got caught.  How do you make her "get over it"?  Have you thrown yourself and her feet and have you spent every day trying to prove that you know that you made a mistake and that she is the woman of your dreams?  I do apologize if I sound bitchy, but that line about missing the funereal really struck a chord with me.  Maybe that's really not the kind of person you are.....

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All the remorse you could show can't rebuild her self esteem.  That is something that you both will have to address with a counselor.  She will have to acknowledge to you - in a safe place, like a session - how the pain felt when she found out about the betrayal. You will have to share your shame with her in order for her to understand how you truly feel. 

This is not something to be done at home, but in a therapeutic setting where a trained professional can create a safe healing environment for you both before you leave the session so you don't go home feeling so raw.

Please take these suggestions seriously.  If you want to salvage your relationship you are going to have to do the work... both of you.  This isn't going to magically heal on its own as you have seen so far.

If you want to chat, I am here.

Best -
Lisa

HI BillyBoy -

I am a relationship counselor and divorce coach here on D360.

What I sense from your post is that you feel like you said you were sorry a whole lot over the last two years and your expectation was that she would have forgotten about it and moved on by now.    

My experience in couples counseling is that saying you are sorry is not the same as making amends.  Making amends involves not only an apology but also a change in behavior that indicates your intention to do something about why the betrayal occurred in the first place to prevent it from happening again.  That probably includes a bit of work with a couples counselor so that you two can get to the root of your issues.

It appears from your wife's attitude that she is determined to punish you for your betrayal. I read your story and it seem as though you didn't feel getting a bunch of blow jobs from a client was such a big deal. 

Maybe you could access more compassion if you thought about it from another point of view.
Would it have been a deal breaker for your if she was receiving oral sex from someone?  Someone she really didn't love, but enjoyed getting head from them.  Would you have been able to just forget about it? 

Dealing with your own expectations is large part of the issue.  The fact that you think your wife should have moved on by now isn't her problem...   it's yours.  You can't control what she thinks or how long it takes for her to get past her pain from your betrayal.  

Your wife will move on when she feels safe again. That may happen with counseling.  The painful part of this equation for her is wondering why you needed to go outside the relationship for sexual gratification.  What she thinks is that she wasn't enough.  That is crippling to her self esteem.  That is the real source of her pain and it's something that needs attention by a counselor.

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